Krissy, Unbridled...

Onward. Upward.

2011-12-20T17:13:00.001-06:00

Transition: process of change: a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I’ve learned that all seasons are seasons of transition, and in no other season of my life have I experienced transition like this current one. Not just in my own heart and life, but in the lives of those close to me.

God is moving people forward, pulling people back, and often those two things coincide, in a way only God can orchestrate.

Tomorrow, I transition from my 20’s in age to my 30’s.

Six months ago, I completely dreaded turning 30. From where I was, I only saw the gap,on the "map" between "You Are Here" and the “you should be” at 29, and it was painful. But God has led me through a process in these past 6 months, where I have closed a lot of that gap, but no longer let it dictate my value. In that, and through that, I can now embrace turning 30, as a pivotal day in my life, and my walk, believing that the very best in my life is still ahead.

I’m sure there are those who can look back on their 20’s with either a sense of deep loss or great nostalgia, or a combination. I can recall memories, and blessings, easily. But if I had to sum up this entire past decade of my life, as a whole, it would be one of tremendous struggle and loss. Even good struggles – the kind that comes with carrying our own cross, and the loss of our own lives in order to gain true life in the Lord. The good and the bad are both painful, and ultimately, are all used for my good {because that’s the kind of God I serve}.

There are certain graces of God that can only be experienced in great trials and suffering, and being aware of that grace, though most often in hindsight, is what makes anything behind us feel that it was not wasted. I have been made aware of so much of that grace in this season.

In reflection of the past decade, there’s a quiet sadness, some questions, some revelation, and a lot of recognizing the hand of God on me, even when my hands didn’t reach for Him.

I can’t look at my 20’s with total regret, because it was in them, that I finally laid my life down at the feet of Jesus, and asked Him to come and be Mine, and let me be His. I’ll never forget the night He responded, and I’ll never be the same. But, if I could, I’d go back to a lot of moments and seasons and do things differently, I think we all would.

If I could go back to the girl I was in my 20’s, maybe I’d give that girl a big hug, and tell her that being controlled and abused did not equal love. I’d share with her instead, the gentleness, the compassion, the love of Christ, and I’d tell her just how valuable she was to Him.

Maybe I’d tell her that throughout the next decade, and in fact her whole life, countless friendships would be lost and broken. Some would mend. Some would not. But I would tell her to love wholeheartedly and to the best of her ability, regardless, in each one of them. Because people will leave. People will betray us. We will give our absolute best to people, and build memories, love, and make enormous investments in their heart, but that does not “buy” any guarantees that they won’t walk away. And maybe I'd tell her that goes both ways, so be aware of how she responds to people that love her wholeheartedly.

Maybe I’d tell her that she’d lose people because of who she was without Jesus in her life and then I’d tell her that she’d lose more because one day she would choose Jesus as Lord of her life, and people wouldn’t like it. I’d tell her that’s okay, and that she would heal, and there would be grace to walk through that.

Maybe I’d tell her that worse than the pain of broken friendship, is the pain and regret of knowing you didn’t love someone with all you had, and the best you could.

I’d tell her to save more money. Spend less money, and stop spending it on things that don’t matter.

I’d tell her to let God “number her days”, and to make the most of every moment. {I’m still working on this, even as I type it..} To learn to live in the “right now”: trust God with the future, learn from the past, but be fully present where she is right now.

I’d tell her to be very careful with people’s hearts. Don’t deceive them, and don’t break them. But if she does break one, be quick to repent, and quick to apologize.

I'd warn her that the marks that we leave on people, as I have learned so profoundly, don’t’ go away just because we go away, or because we forget that we hurt someone.

Maybe I'd tell her to take care of peoples’ hearts, because every one of them matters to God.

Maybe.

{Or maybe I wouldn’t tell her}. Maybe if I had the chance to go back and help her “undo” it all, I would decide not to.. Knowing that if God allowed all those things to pass through her life and experience, He had good reason for it. He loves her so much more than I do. He’s so much more capable of teaching and speaking than I am.

Maybe it’s mosaics that the Creator enjoys creating more than anything. Maybe in those broken pieces, mistakes, losses, failures, and wrong turns, the Lord saw Himself – not that He has broken pieces, but that I was His, and therefore He was in them all along. Maybe it’s the broken pieces that make the best mosaics. The ones made by the God of heaven and earth, Who promises to use all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. {I love Him.} And {maybe} where I was going with this blog totally took a different turn as I typed out those words, and He was speaking to my heart. {I love Him. So much.}

So. As I transition over “the hill”.. which is, by the way, not true. I refuse to go over any kind of hill unless I’m on a horse {thank you very much.} There will be more pieces to what God created and saw in His heart when He made me, and neither He or I are in a hurry to get to the end of the process. He’s teaching me how to enjoy the ride.

Hellen Keller is quoted to say, “life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all”. I’ve always loved that quote, and I intend to live it as I move forward in my life.

There will be loss, and heartache, and tragedy. But there will be more than enough grace to walk through them.

There will be joy, , and moments where I laugh so hard it hurts. {Many of them tonight, in fact}. ;)

There will always be transitions. Always be struggles and victories. Valleys of the shadow of death, and green pasture, still waters. There will be more lessons I will learn the hard way, probably repeatedly, and there will be celebrations, love, ministry, and dreams that God’s breathes His life into. There will be new mercies, and new layers of dying to myself. There will be tears, and battles, and bills to pay. There will be loss and also incredible blessings. And as I say goodbye to my 20’s, everything in me is ecstatic about embracing all of those things that are “now”, and the ones that are to come, with all of my heart, knowing that my God is with me, and He has called me to live like I know that.

20’s were about losing me, and finding Him.

30’s are going to be about knowing Him, and finding myself in His story, while living the life of purpose, peace, joy, and adventure that He’s laid in front of me. {I think I’ll finally take it.} A life that reflects Him, and one that gets as close as possible to being worthy of the blood He shed on the cross, for me.

Yeehaw.
:)

Starving Snake, Loving Father.

2011-12-19T12:55:00.001-06:00

She still takes my breath away sometimes.

{Like she did the first moments I held her.}

She’s growing up, into this crazy-brown-curls-covered blessing, with her own opinions and dreams, neon colored gloves, and oh-so-dramatic storylines flowing throughout her 10 year old social life..

And often, I catch a glimpse of myself in her. When she’s coloring, or creating, or laying on the couch, feet propped up on the back of it, lost in a book she’s reading. I also see me in her little nose, and in her hands. I love her innocence, and her contagious laugh. I love the real person that’s emerging from that little bundle of sweetness that came into my life ten years ago.

She’s taught me so much.. At 19, unmarried, and in an ungodly, extremely difficult and hostile relationship, I became a mommy, and I had to learn to grow up. {I’m still learning..} Obviously if I could go back and do it right, I would, but I’m so thankful for the mercy of God that came then, even when I wasn’t living for Him, and hadn’t even really thought of Him much since children’s’ church. That mercy came into this world and changed me forever.

She’s still changing me, and the funny thing is, that it’s still through the very same mercy and grace of God that she’s doing so.

{Truth} My flesh doesn’t want to share this with anyone, because its just too personal – too close to my heart. I'm not proud of some things. But what God did through it is worth of praise and testimony, so I’m willing.

A couple weeks ago, my 10 year old got a little frustrated and immediately got overwhelmed with anxiety, and in turn, I followed suit. I used to experience anxiety attacks, and kinda just accepted them as something I do when I’m overwhelmed, but as I watched it come over my daughter, I wasn’t as accepting. I prayed. I rebuked. I cast out demonic spirits and lying thoughts, and prayed peace over her, begging Jesus to come and put His hand on her. I say this in humility, I got really frustrated with her, when I couldn’t make it stop, and I expected her to make it stop..

Eventually, it subsided, but obviously I’ve stayed concerned over it, and apologized to her for getting frustrated and insinuating at one point (20 minutes in) that she was faking it. {I know.. deduct 300 mommy points..}

Last night, as I’m making dinner and she’s at the table doing her homework, the anxiety attack came back, and that fierce frustration immediately tried to rise up inside me. She went to the bathroom and I took a deep breath and prayed out loud, “Father.. what do I do?”

I’m struggling to really describe how aware I became of His immediate response to my prayer, and how aware of Him leading me I was in the moments that followed.

He led me to parent her the way He parents me. He showed me things I know, things I read in my bible, but He knows that for me, true revelation comes most often by experiencing those things, and He allows me to learn that way.

It was intense. With 2 elbows on the table {we aren’t real big on dining etiquette at our house} and her little hands cupped her forehead, she kinda lost it at one point and had 2 handfuls of her own hair. {yikes} My flesh wanted to come through the roof. It scared me to see her like that.

She was crying, and freaking out, saying “help me”. {gut wrenching}. Instead of getting frustrated this time though, I felt the leading of the Spirit, and I sat down in front of her and waited.. {what?.. I know right..} I calmly asked her some questions, leading her to explain to me how she was feeling and the thoughts that she was having. She’d get better for a minute, and then get overwhelmed again. And then I felt like the Lord was revealing to me that this is becoming a coping method – a pattern that’s becoming how she deals with frustration, and He gave me some wisdom that was hard to walk out, and analogy to share with her.

I explained to her that what we were dealing with wasn’t of her, but it was an attack, and we know it wasn’t from God because His Word says to “not be anxious about anything”, so anxiety was an attack of the enemy.

It sounds harsh, but I felt led to explain to her that our home was to be a place of peace, so we had to get the anxiety out of our home, and to do so, we had to go and stand outside until it subsided. She was scared, assuming I was going to put her outside alone, but as I went with her, and she clung to me, I felt the grace on me. I stayed calm and patient. Waiting with her, holding her hand. We stood in the cold for about ten minutes, and when she was calm, we went back inside, and the storm was over.

I shared the analogy with her that the Lord had given me, that there are two things we "feed" with our words, emotions, and actions - the snake and the horse. The snake is evil, and the horse is good. And the anxiety comes from the snake, so we have to be careful not to feed it. If we make it starve, it will die. But in those moments when the snake is trying to bite us, if we'll try to feed the horse instead, using God's Words, we can climb up on His back and be up high off the ground where the snake cant get us.

{genius right.. I know that was from God, because its far too simple to be from me}

We did her homework, and ate dinner in peace, and as the night went on, the Lord reflected His light on the events that had occurred, and showed me that as He was teaching me how to handle the situation in His love, not of my own flesh, He was also showing me how He parents me as well.

The irony, is that I was the one He taught the feed the horse, starve the snake principle too, and He led me to walk it out with her, and then teach it. That's so how He is. I thought of her sitting there, totally overwhelmed, literally pulling her own hair out. The intensity and terror of that sight; the tears and swollen, red eyes from crying so hard that she had in that moment, and once again – I saw myself. I saw what my own anxiety looks like, and the compassion and patience that overcame me at the moment I prayed for help, was the same compassion and patience the Lord bestows on me when I allow anxiety to beat me down.

The Holy Spirit walked me through the ordeal in my heart, showing me how He asks me questions as well, prompting my heart to pull away from anxiety and push into His peace. He showed me that often, He has to lead me away, into another place, sometimes where it seems cold and uncomfortable, so there’s more incentive to calm down. He pointed out that He never gets angry at me or frustrated, and I thought of how I’d reacted before, and repented {again} for getting frustrated with her. Once again, His kindness led me to repentance. Once again, what the enemy meant for evil, the Lord worked for good both between me and my daughter, and me and my Father.

It’s a hard thing to admit that I’m not a perfect parent, especially in a blog, where I know people will read it and think of how much better they would have handled things..

It’s a hard thing to ask for help, especially from a Father that you can’t see, and a Father who’s silence has often resounded loudly in various seasons. But I’m learning more and more, than its even harder to try to do it on my own.

Seeing my daughter in that light, and receiving His help to parent her His way and handle it His way, showed me that in the same way I look at her, He looks at me.

I still take His breath away sometimes.

Just like I did when He first created me, before He finished knitting me together.

Often, He catches glimpses of Himself in me. When I’m creating.. when I’m loving.. and I have to believe that something in His own heart reacts, in the same way mine does when I see myself in my child.

I cant decide if the revelation of His voice and leading, moment by moment through that was the best part, or if the calm trust and closeness that I felt afterwards from my daughter was the best part. Probably both. And just as beautiful, was recognizing that those feelings in the natural were reflections of my relationship with Him.. And I too, get to choose, moment by moment, whether I will feed the snake or feed the horse.

What About You.. Are You Feeding the Snake, or Feeding the Horse?

I dont know if snakes are more prominent in the winter than summer, probably not, but in the spirit, they sure seem to be more obvious in the winter. Maybe because there's less camoflauge. Maybe their attacks are more intense, because they're more desperate for food. Who knows. But with the cold and shortened daylight, there always seems to be a surge in snake encounters, at least spiritually speaking.

Your snake may not be anxiety attacks.. but it's fear of some kind. It's lies of all kinds. That's all the snake knows how to do, is lie, and they are always attached to fear. Always. And he's good at it, that's all the loser knows how to do, and all he has had to do since he got cast out from heaven for being a prideful idiot. What's your snake saying? What's God's truth about it?

We can choose to just get eaten alive {I know, thats disgusting} by snakes in this winter season, or, we can see it as a blessing.. if there's more snakes coming out, more snakes coming at us, that means they're exposed and we dont have to dig to find them first to make them die. They just come right up. And we choose to feed the horse, speak the Word, trust that He's gonna stoop down and allow us to climb up on His back. Horses can get spooked by snakes in the natural, but not This Horse. In fact, even if the serpent should get a lick in on His heel, He's still gonna crush the snake with His might. A snake is no match for a horse. Especially not this Horse.

Let me save you some time and trouble, in case you're unaware, the snake is not threatened by me, or you. He's threatened by Who I belong to. We argue with him often, and assume he's scared of us because we are Christians. Believe me, he's eaten Christians just like you alive, many times. He is ONLY intimidated by Who you belong to, if you are in Christ.

I've often lost battles with the snake because I was assuming he would back off because I know Jesus. I had to speak Jesus {the Word, who became flesh and dwelt among us} I had to use that which was in me in the battle.. that's the stuff that makes him spoil his snakeskin.. so to speak. ;)

Dont have conversations with the snake. {just ask Eve, this doesn't bid well, ever.}

Don't invite him in, or leave doors open for him to invade through.

Spend time with the Horse even when the snakes arent around, so you'll learn what He likes to eat. ;)

When the snakes do come around, dont give it attention, dont feed it food. Just feed the Horse, and He will gladly lower to lift you up out of harm's way.

2011-11-09T11:53:00.001-06:00

“So.. let me ask you, where are you at with God?”

It’s like chapter 4 in the book of How to Speak Christianese, right.. ? It’s the bridge from which we walk from casual conversation into a deeper thing, hoping to be able to speak life into someone, or lead them to the love of Christ if they don’t know Him.. Or sadly, in some cases, to interject our dumb, unbiblical opinions on them to to try to manipulate a change.. {but that’s a whole other blog}

{dare you: take a brutally honest inventory of what your heart’s response was to that question. Maybe even write it down. Who did you see, where were you, physically, what were your first thoughts and answers. Whats cool about this, is if you already forgot, you can just read it again. God will help. Hang onto that, you’ll wanna know later.}

Nothing wrong with that question.. but..God showed me something wrong about the internal response to that question, that I think is pretty profound, and like with everything else He reveals to me, He starts with revealing what’s in my heart before He leads me to share it with others.

{get real}. Let’s not pretend that most of us real Christians aren’t kinda (maybe silently or subtly) offended when another person asks us where we’re at with God, specifically a stranger. Not all, I’m sure there are some people that are totally holy and perfect, and have this thing figured all out and do it perfectly, never feel insecure about anything, but I’m not one of them. {shrug}

Recently I went down to the altar to get prayer at a church I visit on Sunday nights, and one of the people that prayed for me asked me where I was at with the Lord, and if I wanted to give my life to Him. I laughed and said I’m already saved, and I try to give my life to Him again daily, and she prayed for me and it was awesome, but.. subtly, somewhere way down deep, under the surface, God put His finger on something in my heart in that moment.. {crap..}

I’ve been wrestling with the Holy Spirit since then, trying to flick His finger off that spot in my heart, saying, “quit Jesus!.. there’s nothing there”.

{ps..that never works. When He says love is patient, He ain’t kiddin’.. He’ll wait.. }

The truth is, my response on the outside was a little laugh, a reassurance to that person that I was already saved.. but here’s what the reality was of what was going on in my heart:

1.“What? What the crap do you mean do I wanna give my life to the Lord lady? Have you mistaken me for one of the lost?” {seriously, i'm just being honest. }

2.“Me?? Isn’t it obvious that I’m a believer? Can’t you see it in my eyes? Because I can see it in other people’s eyes, or the absence of it. Why can’t you see that?”

3.Then my heart goes down the list of people that I’m not quite where they’re at spiritually.

4.Then it recites the ones that I feel way ahead of spiritually. {again.. just bein honest.}

5. Cue the movie screen of scenes of my life where I’ve had really intense experiences in the Lord - Oh there it is, that good ol’ comparison to where I’ve been lately or in the past. I saw myself pouring out, praying for people, handing sandwiches to homeless people, encouraging people in past moments. I saw myself on my face, in what seemed like puddles of tears, totally broken at the cross. I saw myself trying to walk down the hall at work with some kind of composure, while being completely drunk in the Holy Spirit. I saw myself in the season where I spent literally days at a time, completely overwhelmed and captivated by the tangible love of God and His sweet presence on me.. Not one of them answering the question of where i am right now, all of them seeming to taunt me, declaring that somehow I've become less than who I was in those moments.

Pride. Insecurity. More pride. Fear. Gang's all here. That's what God has had His finger on since I left that altar that night, trying to show me, trying to heal those tiny little places.

Truth: my heart should’ve responded with “right here at this altar, overwhelmed by His presence”, because that’s where I was with God, exactly.

Instead, I got prideful, I got defensive, I got critical first of someone else, and then of myself. I compared myself to other people, make assumptions and exalting them above myself, and then I go to the other extreme, and compare myself with people who aren’t where I’m at, exalting myself above them. {all pride. all sin.}

Before you form an opinion, consider how alike my heart’s responses might be to yours. Because I feel like the Lord showed me what was in my heart, to heal and encourage me and then to pass it along, because I’m maybe not the only one.. {maybe.}

What did your heart do in response to that question? What images did you see, what thoughts, what people, what past experiences went through your mind?

Here’s what it comes down to, and it’s really deep, {but that’s how I roll} but this is a big deal to God..

If you are a believer (like you really believe the gospel, and therefore your life actually reflects that all 7 days a week, not just on Sunday, or just on Easter..) if that is you, than the answer to “so where are you at with God” should be simple, sweet, peaceful, whatever that looks like for you, even if the answer is “struggling”.. at least that’s about YOU and in the here, now, the present. It shouldn’t be about someone else, or compared to anyone else.

If you are at least, whatever the circumstances, wholeheartedly and humble, in the “right now” and most importantly “with” God, then be encouraged, you’re at a good place with God. {You may submit all objections and arguments to that to the cross of Jesus Christ.}

I personally struggle with this comparison thing a lot, and God is just reaching down and extracting it from deep places.

{Caution: sharp left turn} Going on a rabbit trail from what I’ve been talking about, but I feel like I’m supposed to say this, maybe it will help someone else like it’s helped me lately..

Don’t compare yourself, your walk with the Lord, your value, your worth, to a single thing outside of the living Word of God. Where you are with God, has nothing to do with anyone else, or any other day than today, this day. We so often measure ourselves by others value in us, or lack thereof, or “what that church is doing” or where we used to be, or where we want to be. I feel like the Lord wants to say to His Bride, His people:

"Stop.. the only comparison that should be happening in your heart, is where you are right now, and what’s in my Word. Do you look like me? Do you walk like me? Do you talk like me? Do you turn the other cheek when others harm you? Do you live a life of repentance and praise? Are you humble? Are you willing to lay down everything you care for at My feet, and trust Me? Fully, with joy and excitement, not despair and rebellion? Do you take care of the needs of people inside and outside of the Body? Do you extend mercy to others, and grace to those that are so undeserving? Do you work hard to refuse temptations as they come, and speak My Holy word so that both the heavens and the gates of hell are aware of where you stand, and Who you stand with? Do you love when it hurts? Do you trust when you don’t see? Do you give freely, and obey the call on your heart to do My will? Do you lean on Me instead of your simple understanding and sight? Do you love me with all of your heart? Do you seek me, spend time with me, live to please me? Not one of these things is dependent upon any other person, or any other day or place.”

His Word, and His heart, that’s all we have to compare ourselves to. And what’s amazing about Jesus, is that He knows, as simple as He makes it, we still fall short, we still let fear win, and we still make mistakes. So for whoever that is for besides me, decide today that you’re done comparing yourself with other people, even yourself in the past, or yourself in the future. It’s exhausting, unnecessary, and invites defeat and hopelessness. Stay with God, in today, and you will remain in an unquestionable good place with God. Whatever may come.

xoxo -
Krissy

Game On.

2011-11-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

“The enemy of great vision is survival mode”. – Pastor Steven Furtick

His words it me like a ton of bricks.. (but less messy.. and more gently.. like one brick at a time, but they were packed in bubble wrap..same impact, without the injuries ) I’m learning that even His convictions, though heavy, are always gentle..

It was a heart check, an answer to the many prayers of “God what do you want me to do, what’s your plan for my life..” A moment of humility that unveiled a reigniting of a hope for something bigger, something with depth and joy and purpose.

In my defenses and difficult circumstances, I like to pretend that I don’t know what He wants me to do, or what His plan is for my life, because I’m still walking down In Between Street.. Personally, for me, one of my many ways of falling short of the glory of God (we all sin and fall short of the glory of God..Romans 3:23) is playing dumb with God.. like He hasn’t already shown me.. Considering more the whens and whys than the Who.. Asking more questions than singing more praises..

That’s where I’ve been.. playing dumb. Playing passive.

Simply surviving.

Its interesting that when I read that quote today, I went to look up a definition of “survival mode”, and didn’t really find a good explanation, so God gave me one.. “it’s playing Defense only.”

This is the kind of stuff that cracks me up about God.. I’m a college football fan.. an OU fan at that, so I understand the analogy He gave me completely.. I’ve seen the offense not show up at times, and I’ve seen it cost the team the game, and I’ve also seen the Defense step up and unfairly carry the weight of the whole team, barely surviving with a win, but too exhausted & beat up to celebrate.

Sure, its possible that a win can be achieved solely by the Defense.. but it’s a slow, brutal game, and requires tremendous vigor, drive, and strength. It’s fighting just to survive, and maybe occasionally making a play that gets points on the board. Its one yard gained, then pushed back 5.. if we’re going with the OU analogy still, we’ll say its because there’s been a penalty at some point.. most likely false start. ;)

Boomer Sooner.. now lets move on..

Playing defense only is robbing the team of its full potential.. just like simply surviving is depriving the world of the glory of God that the world so desperately needs to see through us as we live in the purpose we were created for.

I say humbly that I’ve been playing dumb, because its easier to think that what God has shown me in vision, dream, and spoken through His Word and still, small voice is actually possible.. because my flesh knows that its not.. but my spirit says, “no, that’s what makes it beautiful – because only God can do it”.

John Bevere said once, “imagination is not flesh, it’s where God paints the pictures and the visions that He gives us and longs for us to pursue by faith”.

Mine looks like a friggin’ art gallery. That’s just how I was made. I see things, I have been to places in my heart that I’ve never seen in the natural. Walked on the grass, smelled the smells, felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I have been there, yet I have never seen it with my eyes.

I have loved people there, I have not yet met. I’ve dried their tears and made them laugh and spoke the words of God into their heart that He knew they needed, right then, and right there. Yet today I don’t even know their names.

I have seen people walk that can’t walk right now.

I’ve felt the rush of amazement of hearts that have just felt the grace and salvation of God for the first time, who today look like they’ll never choose Jesus..

I’ve seen a family free from the deep, deep curses of abuse, poverty, and bitterness, and wholeheartedly serving Jesus Christ, testifying to other broken families about what God did in them.. but in the natural, there’s no sign of that at all.

I annoy myself often, at how “deep” I see and am. And the closer I get to the Lord, the deeper my perceptions, emotions, insights and thoughts go.

And today, when I read Pastor Steven’s quote, all of these deep visions came up in my heart, like a movie trailer..

And from that, I felt led to share this:

Habakkuk 2:2 says, “write the vision and make it known, so that those that run may read it”.

What does the playbook say? What has the Coach told you to do, whats your role in this? If you don’t know, ask Him. And then take a deep breath. Take the next right step onto the field, and run the ball.. run it hard, and with all you have, executing what you know, perfectly.

(I know, I know, this football analogy is getting outta hand.. I told you, I’m a vision person..) ;)

Followers of Christ are not meant to be on the Defense. Special teams? Yes. ;) But offense is where we belong. We’re not helpless. We’re the ones with the hope, the ability to push forward through obstacles (big sweaty guys on the other team = tough finances, sickness, loneliness, depression, hopelessness, defeat, fear, anxiety.. those guys are big, and there’s lots more of them on the sidelines waiting to play).

Remember your vision.. and write it down. Pray over it. Stand with it. Prepare for it. (we miss that one a lot.. but faith without works is dead.. James 2:17) And then maybe we get our butts up off the bench and join the Offensive Line.

Seriously. Get up. Put your dang helmet on. Go.Go.. Go!! The playclock is winding down dude. (“Then the angel said to him, "Put on your clothes and sandals." And Peter did so. "Wrap your cloak around you and follow me," the angel told him.- Acts 12:8).

It just now connected, but the other night, I went down to the altar at Victory for prayer, and Sharon spoke this over me:

“From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it” – Matthew 11:12

Forcefully advancing is not simply surviving.

People are going to hell.. lots of them.. most of them. (Save the hate mail, it’s the Truth). People can argue that, people can disagree.. it doesn’t change it.

People are without hope, and if our job is anything at all, it is simply to give them the hope that we have. The one that came down, touched our hearts, showed us what He’s done, taught us how to walk with Him, and asks us to give it away to others.

For me, I cant sit here anymore and ask God all the questions He’s already answered. I’m chasing the vision, and when I get there, you’re all welcome to come hear me tell about how God made the sun stand still for me too.

Xoxo

I'm Going In.

2011-09-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

When strong waves come up from the ocean to meet the land, they take little pieces of the earth back when they retreat. Its amazing to watch the tiny little details that are revealed as the tide pulls back the layers of sand, and leaves deposits of other things.. new things.

That’s a picture of what God has been doing in my heart.. day after day, month after month, the tides have come in, sometimes gently, sometimes strong, and there have been some days that have felt like full on tsunamis.. but each time, the hardened parts of my heart have been worn down by the current, and as the waves retreat, its taken those little pieces with it, uncovering new ground, and revealing little treasures that have been buried deep underneath it all.

For months after the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, there were these little gobs of nastiness all along the coast. Some of it was gooey, some of it was hardened, but it all stank.. and it looked like poop. ;) A very dark, ugly contrast from the incredible beauty of the sand, the sea, and big blue skies.

That’s what my soul looked like. And little by little, day by day, the Lord has been sending these waves, controlling the tides, even sometimes allowing for massive storms to blow in, for the purpose of giving me a new heart, and restoring my soul. (Unintentional but funny reference to Psalm 23..)

Today, totally unexpectedly and by grace alone, I can literally feel the places in my heart and soul where the Lord has slowly peeled back the layers of sand and hardened ground by His gentle waves and ferocious storms.. and there are all these little places where shame, bitterness, envy, insecurity, and fear used to live, and they are all empty, like abandoned rooms. It doesn’t mean I’m in some euphoric place where I’ll never have to battle to keep them clean again, but now I know exactly what I’m fighting for.

That’s interesting that I said it that way.. because not too long ago, I was in tears, asking God to answer that very specific question.. “what am I fighting for?”.

His love is ridiculous. His love is precise, relentless and specific.

I am expecting, waiting, excited to see what He fills those empty places with, one by one, redeeming and reclaiming parts of my heart and soul that the enemy had overtaken for so long. I am pulling daggers outta my back, with a smile, extending mercy and forgiveness even before they’re thrown. I am immersed in the most delicious peace, and I can feel the hand of the Lord on my life.

A clean soul is the most incredible feeling.. And in that, I see part of my purpose and His plan.. to someday help lead others to know what it feels like to be healed and whole.

I am so excited about what God is doing, and in my life and in the Body of Christ. I believe Him, every word, and I believe now more than ever, that these signs shall follow them that believe.. I believe.

I’m ready to see bondage fall off of people, and people get up out of wheelchairs.. I’m ready to see and be part of the raising up of a generation of young people who look like Jesus, not the American culture, and who know freedom, and their identity in Christ.

I’m ready to see and do everything the Lord has set before me, so don’t mistake my focus for coldness. I am aware of all that’s going on behind me.. but my face is set like flint upon the One I love, and I have come too far, fought too hard, and been in this fire for way too long to turn back and be consumed by distractions of strife and hatred. It’s not for me that I keep pressing forward, my gaze fixed upon the Kingdom.. its for those that I’m called to lead through the valleys of the shadow of death. They can not afford for me to waste anymore time tormented, afraid, or bitter, or caught up in darkness. I am at war against legions of demons, I don’t have time to play games. I am not invincible, thing sent forth to pierce sting immensely when they hit me, but those weapons will not prosper, in Jesus' name.

In this season I can identify with Joshua in countless ways. I didn’t come all this way to stop at the edge of the river. It doesn't mean I dont love people who choose to stay in the wilderness or are okay with dying there, it just means I refuse to do so. I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, relentlessly, because I am going to make it, and no devil in hell is gonna stop me.

“Now give me this mountain that the Lord promised me..” (Josh 14:12).

I’m going in.

This day.

The Ark of the Covenant has gone before me, and I'm going in.

Feeding The Demon

2011-08-05T10:32:00.002-05:00

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do..

My heart weighs a thousand pounds right now.. Brokenness and sorrow has totally overwhelmed my heart, and seemingly reached beyond that and filled up the whole room where I’m typing this.

Settling into my morning routine of coffee and Yahoo news, there is yet another news story of another person, committing awful, heinous crimes against children, and then using God’s name to endorse it.

{Read the story here..}

I think we sing the words “break my heart for what breaks Yours” sometimes, and there’s no real way to prepare for when He answers that prayer. The air in here is so thick with His sorrow.

It’s the girls whose innocence and dignity have been not just taken, but demanded, and at the hand of a vicious lie, that it was God who was demanding it. I can feel their shame, because I’ve had my innocence and dignity stripped from me. But I can’t even fathom growing up believing that it was God who willed that to happen to me.

It’s the tragedy that people are so bound by deception and manipulation by the enemy, that they are capable of doing these horrible things, and truly believe that it’s God’s way and will. Deception has thousands of years of practice, and apart from the real Jesus, we don’t stand a chance. In the flesh, it’s hard for me to look upon this man and have compassion, but reading his words, I find that the most tragedy in this story lies in the obvious truth that he doesn’t really know the Lord at all.

It’s the thousands of comments on this news story about Christians, religion and God.. Man, if they only knew Him.. If they only knew the Holy God that they are disrespecting, or the loving Father that they’re missing out on. I pray the fear of the Lord over every person who made a comment on this story that took aim at Jesus, God, or Christianity.. in fact, I pray that over ever heart that shares those opinions.

On top of all of the sorrow, there’s a spirit of repentance that has fallen on me, and a weight of truth that I don’t know how to explain, but I do know it’s probably not going to be received by some very well.

I’ve never bought a child, sold a child, raped or molested a child, but I have to be real about just how responsible I am, and we all are, for the perversions like this that are running rampant in our cities, our nation, and our world.

Maybe we don’t directly harm a child, but all of us are playing a part in feeding the perversion that does.

The magazines with 11 year olds that are barely dressed, in clothing ads. {uh.... bc that makes sense..} We accept it and just make passing comments about it being wrong or our society falling apart. But then we still buy the magazine and the things they exploit children and women to sell.

*I'm talking about myself too.. I'm so guilty of this.*

The tv shows with little 4 year olds with false eyelashes and teeth whitening, We watch those.

The music.. (oh boy.. ) that we allow in our cars, homes, and even our churches.. (yes, churches..) that glorifies perversion and sex, and we look the other way. Most of our children know who Lady Gaga is, and can even say what songs she sings, even not being allowed to listen to that kind of music. Spend a day at the mall, listen to what’s playing in every single store you walk in – actually listen to the words – and notice the songs that get stuck in your head that you don’t even know. My spirit was so grieved by the music playing in every store last time I went to the mall, that it literally made me nauseous. So subtle, and so blatant, and so evil. And we just shrug it off like it’s no big deal, because nobody wants to seem religious or uncool.

It might not be clear where I’m coming from on this, or how a story about a Polygamist child molester in the news could be related to songs playing over the speakers in the mall.. so I’ll say it as simply as I can.. (I’ll “twitter it”) ;)..

We, Christian or not, “religious” or not, have no real right to be harsh or outraged against a person who is being controlled by the same perversion that we feed every single day.

As Christians, as hard as it may be, we need to extend mercy towards people like that, and pray that they cry out to the Lord for mercy and repentance, and we need to be repenting on their behalf. (I didn’t say that was easy, I said that’s what we need to be doing when we read stuff like this..) We need to be standing in prayer for our nation and on our faces asking God to tear down the strongholds of perversion in our country.. (“If My people, called by My name, will humble themselves, and pray, seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from Heaven, and forgive their sin, and will heal their land”.. – 2 Cor 7:14)

Those who don’t know Christ have a part to play as well. Don’t buy magazines, watch tv shows, or allow media in your life, or your childrens’ lives, that glorifies sex and perversion, even in the smallest way. Don’t feed the monster. Don’t tolerate or overlook sex slavery in our own country, or in others.

It’s so crazy to me how thousands of people are commenting on stories like this, on Yahoo, but nobody wants to acknowledge that we all allow the same perversion to roam free, we just don’t like it when it “goes too far”. Rape or molestation, or child pornography, or a cult that demands children have sex and make babies.. That’s when someone wants to voice an opinion or defend the rights of these innocent girls and women, and the only thing being said is either bashing God or trashing the person behind the perversion…

But nobody wants to be legalistic enough, or uncool enough to cut the throat of that spirit long before it ever manifests into tragedy.

I don’t really know how to end a blog like this.. except “*drops mic on the stage and exits the building*..

Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.. Help us, humble us.. Forgive us for all of the ways that we’ve all contributed to the perversion and tragedy that’s made a home here in the place you made for Your glory. I pray boldness, courage, and Your grace over those of us who are willing to stand for Your truth and Your name in this land, and thank You, God, that You’ve already overcome this spirit at the cross. Give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and empower us to be different.

Because He Said So.

2011-06-12T16:53:00.001-05:00

“The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance.” - Acts 12:5

It’s always been amusing to me to read in this passage that Peter was asleep. Lately, this scripture has been kinda gently nudging me, and I became intrigued.

For context purposes, it’s important to point out that Peter wasn’t just temporarily behind bars for unpaid parking tickets, or awaiting bail. Peter was in prison, about to be tortured and murdered for the gospel, quite possibly the very next day.

And… he was sleeping.

Just… chillin’.

The intrigue of that started to outweigh the humor I’ve always seen in it. I can’t honestly say that sleeping is what I would be doing if I were in Peter’s predicament. It’s easy to assume that Peter had some kind of Divine difference in him that we don’t have, or that he was truly just content with dying for the sake of the message of Christ, and the latter could be part of his peaceful sleep, but I found something deeper in this account that I never connected before.

Now, I wasn’t there, and I don’t pretend to know how Peter was feeling or what the details were, but I’m confident in sharing this, because the imagery that I’ve seen about this story in my spirit only the Holy Spirit could recall.

At some point in that prison cell, with his body bound by heavy chains, and adversaries all around him, who were most likely not exactly a joy to be around, to say the least - some interesting thoughts must have crossed Peter’s mind.

You absolutely have to believe that the enemy was trying to whisper fear and confusion into Peter, because how pleased would he have been if at what seemed to be the last moments of Peter’s life, he changed his mind about Jesus and denied him.. (again).

It’s probably also safe to assume that his own flesh and thoughts were things he was having to battle. John, brother of James, had just been put to death by the sword, for the same reason, by the evil of the same king, who had seized Peter and ordered him to stand trial. That probably crossed his mind. He probably thought about death. He probably had a few moments of being afraid. He was probably frustrated and annoyed.

But he made a choice.

And I think God is calling so many of us to make the same one.

Out of all the thoughts, fears, whispers of the enemy, and frustrations that Peter must’ve experienced in that prison cell, he chose to cling to one thing.. I believe that Peter pushed past all of the struggle with circumstance, and found himself at that crossroad, and he held onto the words of Jesus..

In John 21, we read the account of when Jesus purposefully paints a picture of redemption and grace for all of us, with His words to Peter, but He also lays down a subtle promise, and this time, Peter doesn’t miss it.

“.. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” - John 21:18

Jesus had told Peter that he was going to die for the gospel, but he had also told him that he would die an old man. So Peter had to believe that God would show up somehow, in order for that to be true.

I don’t believe that Peter was sleeping that night in that prison cell out of just being exhausted. I believe his sleep was deep, and peaceful. I believe he was more than sleeping, he was resting..

I think that was possible because at some point in that prison cell, amidst the enemy’s lies, and the sneers of the prison guards, or the agony of the chains, I believe that Peter made a choice..

That choice was to believe Jesus.

The circumstances were screaming. The anguish must have been never ceasing to talk too. But that man had looked upon the face of Jesus, and had been deeply touched by not just His miracles, or His power, but by His love, and His redemptive grace, and He did it all face to face with Him. That relationship laid the foundation, and when He no longer had the comfort of seeing Jesus in the natural, He never let go of His words, or His promise, and with every thought and whisper of the enemy, He chose to believe again.

That’s the kind of faith that gets chains broken.

That’s the kind of faith that gets obstacles removed.

That’s the kind of faith that gets locked gates opened by pure grace.

I have yet to find one person that God has ever used mightily who has just had some immunity necklace that let them walk right past that place of crossroads and testing and into the Promised Land. See, the details change, and it might not be a literal prison cell, or physical chains, but we are all there, or have been, and will continue to be at different times.

Sometimes that prison cell is an ICU, where a loved one is beyond hope in the natural.
Sometimes it’s in our marriages or families.
Sometimes it’s inside an unfulfilled dream or desire.
Sometimes it’s just getting our car to start.
Sometimes it’s writing a check for tithes knowing if God doesn’t keep His promise, we’re in big trouble.

This journey following Christ, if it’s authentic and we’ve really laid down our lives and picked up our cross to follow Him, is a never ending cycle of those crossroad moments, when we have to choose whether we’re gonna believe Jesus or not.

What would our world look like, if we chose, every single day, to believe Jesus, over every circumstance, every chain, every obstacle, and truly walk by faith and not by sight? That’s been part of my journey, and it has been humbling at times, but also full of joy and intrigue.

I think we all have to put ourselves in Peter’s shoes (or “put them on“.. Haha. God is funny).. And choose now, are we going to believe that every word that Jesus said is the truth, unquenchable, unbendable, unyielding? Or, wait until we’re in that prison cell, and that choice gets much harder.

I’ll end with this.. I have been in some of those kinds of really dark prison cells myself, and many times I have chosen to give into my fears, or emotions, and not believe Jesus.. And the suffering worsened, yet somehow by His incredible grace and mercy, and just because He is good, He was still faithful, and loved me anyway.

But the times when I have fought through all of that and chose to believe Jesus, when it was only by sheer grace that I could even choose that, the suffering may not have gone away, but His love and peace has always, always obliterated it all eventually. It’s not an instant thing very often, but it is always worth it, because God doesn’t know how to forget to be faithful.

He really is all He says He is.

His Word really is truth, and it can’t lie.

I pray that we all become more like Peter - able by grace to truly rest in dark places, just because we believe what Jesus said more than what we see.

Turn Or Burn!!! (Just Kidding) :)

2011-05-23T16:26:00.002-05:00

I was reading news stories this morning about reactions all over the globe over the world not ending this weekend.

Can I be honest?

I kinda felt more embarrassed and ashamed of the Christians who were reacting without mercy than the ones who went to crazy lengths to convince the world they knew when the world was ending.

Were the claims of this man and his followers ignorant and ridiculous?

Were their claims easily deflected with just one scripture?

Were their theories contradictory to what Jesus teaches?

(Yes to all of those).

But to call ourselves the “real Christians” and blast this dude with names and insults – I guess I just don’t think that makes “us” any better and it made my heart heavy.

Just like how the words Jesus spoke in Matthew 24:36 divide very simply, (and very sharply) between truth and false prophecies (related to this scripture, those claiming to know when the end of the world is), we can’t overlook the truth that the Word also divides between taking aim at people and battling the spirit behind their actions, in Ephesians 6:12.

Don’t get me wrong, some of the stuff I read was hilarious. I’m not talking about jokes, or funny tweets about the end of the world. I’m talking about the anger, the interviews of people chastising the man who came up with the theory of rapture this past weekend, calling him names and an embarrassment to Christianity. The irony was sad.

I have no idea where this guy stands with God. I could easily draw my own conclusions, and they wouldn’t be wrong necessarily, but my point is that it needs to be said, that wherever he stands, saved or unsaved, sane or nuttier than a fruitcake – he displayed more humility when interviewed today than I’ve seen in many angry “Christians” that are so offended “on God’s behalf”.

God doesn’t need us to defend Him, He needs us to treat people with mercy, and compassion, and live like Jesus told us to.

My heart is just saddened by how something evil (not a person, a deceptive spirit) can start a work and sometimes the face of American Christianity can help it succeed, because we always want to try to express ourselves.

I’m all about expression, that’s what I’m doing right now, and haven’t always done it with the right heart, but I pray that the only thing I’m truly passionate about expressing is Jesus – not myself.

I don’t say any of this with a bullhorn and anger, I say it with love and gentleness, let’s remember that God loves that man and every one of those people just as much as He loves us, and it’s His will that none of them should perish. So let’s intercede, and bind the lying spirits that have drowned these people in deception and loose the spirit of Truth on their hearts.

I get that it’s annoying for people to “make us look bad”.. It is. But I’m watching this and maybe it’s just a different perspective, but you know that old saying about the kettle and teapot? That’s what it looks like from where I’m standing, when we’re discussing these events and attacking the people involved instead of the evil.

The outcry and frustration that’s being expressed is that this false prophecy about the rapture this past weekend has “caused damage to the Kingdom”. *puzzled look* Who’s Kingdom has taken such a beating from these events??

Because the Kingdom I live in, the one that belongs to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is a lot bigger than a bunch of billboards. The Kingdom I live in has a King that uses all things for the good, and everything the devil means for evil He can turn into His glory.

Let’s not underestimate this King.. not this One.

This King can handle some false prophecies being used for exploitation, financial gain, and media attention. That stuff doesn’t even phase this King – it might hurt His heart – but it by no means damages Him.

Maybe it’s not the Kingdom we’re upset about, it’s our reputation, as Believers. So somehow calling those people names and making sure the world knows they are different than us – maybe it kinda makes us exactly the same..

And ya know, maybe it that makes them exactly the same as us too -

People in desperate need of mercy and grace.

Here’s a humbling truth..

The deception those people fell into, and spread, has caused no more damage to the Kingdom, or to the reputation of Christianity / Christians than my own sin and hypocrisy in my life has.

There haven’t been billboards that have told about the times I’ve done or said something that reflected badly on my God, but there are people who probably think of it every time they read or think something about God and put up that wall towards it, because of a mistake maybe I made.

I’m not talking anything specific, but this is a journey, and if you’ve been the perfect Christian from birth and never done or said something that made someone think “see Christians are such hypocrites”.. well, awesome – but I know that’s not been the case with me.

So I won’t be ranting and insulting a group of people, led by a “self appointed prophet” (whatever that means), that desperately needs the same mercy, correction, and truth that came along and walked beside me through the love of the real, true, Jesus Christ.

Let’s just remember what He calls us to walk out, as this whole thing dies out in our lives and culture.. and again when the next silly event happens.. (;

Psalm 67:6

2011-05-03T15:01:00.000-05:00

The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us. - Psalm 67:6

There’s something about a huge, open field, crops or not, that does something for my heart, and always has. My very earliest childhood memory, actually, was in a field, out in the sunshine – its part of my foundation, only I’m just now learning how deep it goes, and how much this facet of me was hand designed. He’s used that part of me to teach me so much, and every day He shows me another beautiful thing through the wonder of His creation.

When God gets on a roll with a point, He keeps speaking it in all kinds of ways until it’s laced like ribbon all through our identity. He’s been doing that with plants – crops, roots, trees, growth, depths, soil, stumps, leaves, and more – that’s the roll He’s been on in my life and those who I’m sharing this journey with.

So, I saw this picture, and the crops intrigued me.. the alignment.. the splendor of the color and I know I’m easily amused, but this is just how I see things anymore – I see His fingerprints, not just plants. I’m finding a “pattern” (ha) built in between me and Jesus, where every time I find myself captivated by His creation, I can hear nothing but His voice. Even if I’m not looking for it. I think for me and Him, it just might be our meeting place. But I see Him everywhere, and this picture brought me to that place of sitting at His feet, and gleaning from Him.

I was trying to decide which of the tons of definitions of “crops” to use to explain this, and He spoke to my heart and made it very simple..

“something produced.”

At first glance, I thought, well, that’s too simple, but that’s just me being human, complicating things. That’s actually the best definition ever.. because He’s God.

The very first, and most important thing we need to know about crops, or something(s) produced, is that He’s the one that produces them. Period.

I think until we get a true revelation of grace, defined best in my opinion by John Bevere, as “God’s imparted ability in us and through us”, it’s very easy to look at crops and give the credit to the farmer, or sometimes even the tractor. It’s very easy to consider the days of labor in the field, the sweat and the work of human hands that did the planting, sowing, the taking care, and all the other things that lead to having “something produced”.

It’s very easy to see the crops, and forget God. In context of you and me, and our lives, we’re the farmers and the tractors. We look at our choices that planted the seeds. We remember the storms that we withstood, and the days the heat was so scorching, it was miserable to stand, when we really just wanted to burn the whole thing to the ground and start over next year. We see the blisters on our hands, and feel the fatigue in our souls, from the work we put into the harvest. We remember the foxes we chased off and the wild birds that we protected the fields from. We often look at the crops and say, “yay us”.

It’s even more easy to let our perspective be consumed by all the “we dids” when life happens in a way that we are the farmer whose field dies, or who’s field isn’t yielding those crops as we expected, and instead, we’re looking at a barren field, full of nothing but “our” hard work, tears, and broken dreams. It is nearly automatic that we exalt ourselves above Him in this field, making sure He knows all the things “we” did to produce those crops, and how unfair it is that we aren’t seeing “something produced”.

This is why remembering that God is the only One who has the power to create, and therefore He’s the only one that produces anything.

Everyday He takes me deeper into an understanding of His grace, His ability that doesn’t need my approval, or my assistance, just my surrendered heart.

Now that I’ve given you the most important thing, I’ll share what He showed me today.

When I was looking at this picture of these crops, I heard two words – “precision” and “intention”.

(Sidenote: In my mind, I know I’ve heard that, or said that, or prayed those words at different times somewhere, but I have racked my brain, and my brain got bored and went off somewhere else before I figured it out)..

Precision is defined as, “allowing for, made with, or requiring great exactness or accuracy

Intention is defined as: “the quality or state of having purpose in mind”

(Go ahead and soak that in.. I’ll wait for you here… )

What seeds are you planting today? Where is your labor, and what are your hands sowing into? Who are you holding accountable for being the one who produces something – yourself? Someone else? Or God?

The seeds I’m planting, are the words that come outta my mouth, and the ones I let enter my heart and soul. They are my choices, one by one, to cast down every single thought that tries to exalt itself against the Word of God. My smiles are seeds. My texts to and from friends are seeds, theirs and mine. My laughter with others is seed. My sleep is even seed, as I learned yesterday. (thanks Em, for that “perspective”.) What I choose to wear is a seed. Where I go.. this is gonna be a very long list, unless I just stop there, and say, you get where I’m going. What I’m learning, is that every second, every word, every choice, every action, every day we’re planting seeds. They’re either good or bad, I don’t think there’s anything in between anymore, and I don’t think we can chalk things up to coincidence anymore. So between those two things, I have to reevaluate some thing, and make some changes to the seeds I’m choosing, and remix my farming techniques, so to speak..

But more than anything, I have to remember that following the instructions of the only One who can produce, my seeds and crops will surely benefit, but I can never forget that it’s only His breath that breathes life into anything. I should absolutely be out there planting and doing, and then resting, but what I can never do is think my labor is what ultimately produces. It has nothing to do with my labor, it’s just His goodness and faithfulness.

We need to get our overalls a little dirty, first with our faces to the ground, thanking and praising the God of all who allows us to breathe, gives us the seeds, teaches us to sow, and brings the harvest. Then while we’re planting, tilling, or harvesting, either in a barren field, a growing field, or one that’s at full harvest, it should still start with praise, and then with works. And through that, it’s always beautiful – regardless of long rains or scorching heat, foxes or birds, or the finest harvests and seasons of rest.

I'm gonna give you guys some of the scriptures that God has used to teach me some things with this whole agriculture kick He's on. ;)

Father, I thank You, knowing You will continue to show us all, one by one, amazing things through Your creation and fingerprints. Thank You that You are willing to teach us who You are, but also to make it so beautiful, so intricate, with precision and intention. The works of Your hands blow me away, and this day, in this season, I pray that every person encounters one of them, be it in a barren field, a dark place, or in the midst of harvest and joy. Thank You for this day, Your voice, and Your Son, who gave it all so we can have amazing relationships with You, and be able to be molded and grown in grace, as "something produced" by Your hands.

We love you, Lord!

Amen

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest - Psalm 85:12

Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. - John 4:35

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. - 2 Corinthians 9:10

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. - James 3:18

"I Am Willing" - Jesus

2011-05-01T15:14:00.002-05:00

A man with leprosy came and knelt before Him and said, “Lord, if You are willing, you can make me clean”. Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. “I am willing”, He said. “Be clean!” And immediately, the man was cured of leprosy.- Matthew 8:2-3

Before I go any further into this, I think it’s important to share some irony I found while I was learning about leprosy:

- It is an internal infection
- It is capable of extremely long incubation times, meaning, outward symptoms may not surface for many years
- It most commonly begins in childhood
- It causes long term effects of damage, including weakness & loss of senses

Any bells ringing yet? Just sayin’.. Maybe it's just me..

I’ve learned that the way I see everything spiritually lately is not me being “hyper spiritual”, whatever that means, it’s me being who I was created to be, so bare with me if this is totally going over your head. I see through faith not by sight, and it’s a whole new world.. So I’m studying all this, and kind of laughing to myself at the irony, and then I read the following, and I’m not gonna lie, it hit me like..hmm.. well, like the scene in the Wizard of Oz, where the house lands on the chick.. Like that, except I’m not a witch.. I just laid there, with the weight of this on me, with my feet hanging out..

"Leprosy is so often considered a skin disease. That’s not true, it’s actually an internal disease of the central nervous system - it’s a core disease, not a surface one. So often, we try to medicate the surface symptoms for sickness that’s in the core, and we get frustrated, and discouraged, because the surface symptoms always reappear"..

Ouch..

Anyone else realizing that we are lepers ourselves yet.. Or is it just me?

No.. nobody wants to picture themselves with gross wounds and ugliness on the surface, or sickness in their body or soul. Especially those of us who have laid down our lives to live for God - how could we be lepers?

We’re Christians, we can’t be lepers, or sick, or have demonic strongholds or unhealed souls.. Right?

Nobody wants to try to understand that, or at least I didn’t. Maybe I’m the only one who struggled with the shame and anger. Maybe I’m the only one who mentally went through the list of all the ways and things I have turned over to live a lifestyle of purity, Godliness and holiness. Maybe I’m the only one who cried out, “God, I thought I was forgiven, why are all these things still having to be dealt with?”

My friend and “spiritual cool uncle”, Ben Watts, addressed this so brilliantly in an article he wrote:

“God didn’t simply erase all of my old hurts, habits, and thought processes the moment I met Jesus. My spirit was made alive in Christ and I was delivered from the power of fear, sin, and death, but there’s nowhere in the Bible where it says our souls are made perfect when we finally decide to submit to the lordship of Christ. In fact, it’s very clear in the New Testament that even after salvation, we’re in a process.”

There’s some good news that goes with this, and in fact it's all great news.. it's just not always easy to receive.

The best news I found when studying healing were three words that rocked my heart and made me feel safe inside the storm, “I am willing”. I felt even safer when I read so many times that in one breath or one touch, Jesus healed “immediately”.

The truth is, we’re all lepers, but some of us are becoming used-to-be-lepers who were healed because we knelt before our Lord and asked, and He reached out, touched us, and said, “I am willing.”

It’s a lie that just because I‘m a Christian, I got a free gift with my free salvation of some immunity necklace I could wear around and not ever have to deal with anything. It’s actually the opposite. It demanded that I deal with those things, because it's after all, "not about me".. See, hurt people hurt people, and brokenness for God can reach the world, but to be broken trying to reach the world will just break people more. Huge difference, and I’m already seeing the difference in my own life and relationships.

God can use me, but to the degree that my passion for Him and His Kingdom demands, I have to be whole, and I have to be healed, and He is willing. We just have to come to Him. And then we have to kneel, and let everything bow down to Him, and just ask, believing that He can, just like we see in Matthew 8:1-3.

My soul could’ve stayed sick and wounded for the rest of my life. Sadly, most people will carry brokenness, wounds, pain, and a very long list of other things that I carried, forever. But I won’t, because I met the One who washed my heart and soul with His Word, and gave me a new heart.

I won’t, because I refuse to pass those things along to the next generation, and to my children. I refuse to let hurt and sickness of my soul be the legacy I leave behind. That's what really matters in the long run, and me getting to wake up in the morning with joy, unafraid, and feeling my soul clean and pure is just an amazing bonus.

Ready for the raw part? The “oh my gosh, Christians can’t say stuff like that” part… ?

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.” I’ll be honest. I never really embraced that. I talk all the time about all the ways God’s Word has come to life and changed things, and how using the Sword is so powerful - but I say this in complete transparency, I would read that and know the condition of my heart and soul, and I just didn’t really believe it.

That scripture didn’t ever feel good to me, because I only felt new on the outside, my whole life changed. So changing things on the outside is where I strived so hard to grow; I guess I thought I would reach a point doing that where the inside of me would begin to feel new..if I "did" enough..

But I never felt new on the inside. I lived a life of purity, for years, but I’ve never felt pure. My patterns, my habits, my friends and family changed, but my heart still held all the hurt, and my mind still remembered the girl who I was before I laid down my life for Christ.

I hated that girl.. And all this time, I could list the outward differences between her and me, but in my heart, I couldn’t separate the two, and so I hated myself as a result.

The battle between that scripture and my soul and has raged on for three years now, with a storm of confusion, joy, frustration, deep pain, deep roots, past mistakes, failures, insecurities, all screaming at my heart and thoughts, and then pointing a finger at 2 Corinthians 5:17, saying, “really??

On a side note, I think the verse right before this scripture is significant, seeing as how it starts off “therefore”.. but I’ll leave that open to interpretation. (: (raw.. Honest.. Love.. Don’t shank me. He connected it to our conversation this morning..) *subliminal message* haha

So, when I talk about the season I’ve been walking through of healing, and God pulling up roots, making me that new creation in Christ, most of the time I’ve resented that scripture, because my prideful heart made some assumptions. Somehow I inserted the word “immediately” into a scripture that didn’t belong there.

My healing started with the love of God. And I’m convinced, that’s the only place true healing can start. Just like in Matthew 8, the leper’s healing started because Jesus touched him.

I don’t hate that girl anymore. I felt the compassion my Heavenly Father has for me, and I can look at her through His eyes, and see her brokenness, which I’ve said before but I think it was only in my mind, not through His Spirit. I can’t hate her, because He loved her just as much as He loves the girl I am now. His love didn’t waiver, or grow for her when she laid down her life to become me. So how can I hate her, who am I to resent her, if He didn’t.

I know that’s deep. Everything is deep for me now. I’m okay with it, I understand who He says I am and that’s all that matters to me anymore.

I just wanna end with this, though there’s so much more I have to say about healing, and I didn’t even get to forgiveness yet..

When Jesus says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible”, He didn’t say, “except..” And I’ve learned just how impossible it is with man - meaning myself, except ad a “wo” in front of that.

God showed me a year ago that I was in need of some deep healing. I got mad. I got prideful, and gave myself and God the list of all my good works, and He just waited for me to surrender so He could give me all the amazing things He’s given me now, mostly healing and wholeness. But between then and now, I’ve done a lot of trying to heal myself - Dr Phil style. Thinking about things, figuring them out, forgiving in my mind, but not my heart.. It didn’t really help. It didn’t bring healing. It stirred up a lot of shame and pain though. I highly recommend just letting Him do it right the first time.

For years and years, I carried deep roots of betrayal, rejection, abandonment, pain, molestation, rape, fear, loss, insecurity, bad self image, loss of dignity..

I know.. This is all pretty blunt.. (shrug) It’s about to get a lot more blunt. It’s not easy. But it’s not about me.

My biggest root (and most likely my most powerful testimony) was the easiest for the Holy Spirit to rip out, but the most painful for me to let go of and let Him, and it was the root of past sexual sin. I told you it was gonna get a lot more blunt.

(As I started typing this part, Healer came on my ipod..ha..)

I kept a white-knuckle grip on that one. The irony is I hated it, but God has shown me how I also loved it.. I’ll explain.

It wasn’t the memory of the sexual sin of my past, because God’s grace removed all that a long time ago. It was the shame. It was the frustration of living a pure life, no sexual anything, for years now, but still feeling defiled. It was the huge weight of guilt that came with that, and never left, no matter how close to Jesus I was.

In this season of healing, God has shown me how deep that root went, past the rape and molestation, past the loss of dignity or searching for love in the counterfeits of it..

But one by one He has changed each thing on that list into a testimony.. He has turned each one of those awful roots that the devil meant to take me out into something that can be used to grab someone else’s hand and say, “me too.. And here is what God did with it.”

Restored. I just had to stretch forth my hand, so to speak..

The most painful and heavy revelation I’ve received in this healing process is why I held on so tightly to that root, and why I refused to let Him pull it out of me, though I was desperate for freedom from the pain of it..

The enemy constantly reminded me, through all kinds of ways, of the girl I used to be - only like he does with everything, he manipulated and distorted it so it felt and appeared much worse. I fell so in love with the freedom from sexual sin, that I despised the thought or reminder that I hadn’t always been free from it. It stung deep, and satan knows that. It was my weak spot. It very realistically had the power not to just discourage me, or hurt me, but to take me out. Many, many times, I became so broken by that shame and frustration, and angry at God because I didn’t “feel” new like His Word said, that it came very close to me giving into the temptation to walk away from Jesus. I’m just being honest. That root was satan’s only hope of taking me out of the game. He used my love and desire of purity to twist my heart and shred my identity into pieces, daily.

Instead of letting God heal those hurts, my resentment for the old me grew stronger and more fierce. I did, I hated her. I hated her lifestyle, I hated to look at her in old pictures. I criticized everything she ever did. Somehow, in my immaturity and lack of revelation, I measured my current purity by how much I hated her impurity.

Then God’s love showed up and obliterated me, and when He does that, it just changes how you see everyone. Suddenly there is compassion and mercy, and you’re extending grace and seeing past faces and into hearts, and despite my own effort to hold on, I had to do that with the “pre-Jesus” me too.

She was the hardest to forgive. She had made so many wrong choices. In my heart, it wasn’t the person that molested me when I was little that had stolen my innocence, or even the person that raped me and took my virginity when I was 14. It was her. She put herself in the wrong places. She “allowed” it. (lies I’ve been tormented with my whole life..) And I hated her so much, because I felt like I could never get back what she had given away. Then I saw her through His eyes.. And I saw the truth. I my heart broke for her, the walls came down, and that root got yanked up, and the pain was so agonizing, there aren’t any words.. And now my purity rests in not just that truth that I live a sexually and otherwise pure life out of love for God, it’s more importantly that He says I am pure. He’s shown me how He sees me, without one blemish, without spot or stain from my past. His love truly does obliterate every single thing that has come against me.

If He can do that in me, and give me the grace to put it out here just because He said to, I hope that “shines a light into the cell” of someone else who is bound by chains and doesn’t see a way out.

He really is who He says He is.. and He is Healer.. Redeemer.. Refuge and rest.. He is Everything.

God.. thank You for the grace to use everything for Your glory, even the stuff that's not easy. My prayer is that everyone comes to know Your love, Your sovereignty, Your grace and power, long before every knee bows, because the real tragedy of this life is not death, it's not knowing what life abundantly, in You, is like. I pray Your touch, Your healing, and Your perspective of all things over the Body of Christ, and over the lost. Thank You for healing me. Thank You for restoring my soul and giving me a new heart. Thank You that I can see the new creation You have made in me, and at the same time, love the old one through Your eyes of compassion and grace. You are so amazing.. You are so faithful. Thank You..

In Jesus name..

Amen

Acts, Yokes, & Pastures (:

2011-04-30T16:45:00.004-05:00

There’s no way I’m gonna be able to take weeks of revelation about rest and grace and put it into one message, but this is too powerful to keep to myself, this is life changing, so I’m gonna give it my best shot.

Sheperds and rest, and storms and trust, we’ve been trading heavy revys in my crew of Jesus girls like baseball cards in this season - except they’re so much cooler, and all tied together. In the words of Katy Watts, we’re learning just how true it is, that “it’s all connected”.

I mentioned in an earlier blog, that in this season I’ve walked through of crazy transition, healing, and pursuit of wholeness with just me and Jesus, all I’ve done is nothing.

I’m gonna give you some context.. In Acts 12, God showed me some things last fall about “putting our shoes on”.. *head nod at Monty Pate* (:

Acts 12:5-11:

“So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him. The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound by two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance.”

Bound.. No way out. Unfair. Unjustified. Persecuted for his love for Jesus..

“Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. “Quick! Get up!”, he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists.”

That’ll preach a whole message in itself..

“The angel said to him, “put on your clothes and sandals”. And Peter did so.

Put your shoes on.. The paraphrase God spoke to me last fall when studied this.

“Wrap your cloak around you and follow me”, the angel told him. Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea what the angel was doing was really happening, he thought he was seeing a vision. They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself., and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him.”

Honestly, there’s so much in that, I could go a thousand directions with it, but I’ll try to stay on point with rest.. ;)

“Then Peter came to himself and said, “now I know without a doubt that the Lord sent his angel and rescued me..”

Holler. (: Anyone in this season know now the freedom of knowing His love and grace, without a doubt? Because I do..

The first time I studied this and got revelation from God about “putting on our shoes”, I understood the principle of being faithful in all we can, doing all we can, and trusting God with the results. It was amazing.

God took me to a higher perspective with the same part of His Word - in that way only He can do..

This season has been more about the sleeping between the two guards, bound by chains, held captive behind walls I couldn’t tear down than the act of putting on my shoes.

I’ve been sleeping.
That’s right where he wanted me. In fact, just like Peter, the very prison where I was sleeping I was in because of my love for Jesus. Because I prayed, “God.. I want to be all you want me to be. Heal me. Redeem me.”

So I’ve been sleeping in the place of isolation and not knowing how or why, or when..

There’s something so powerful to me in the truth that Peter was asleep. No matter how tired we are, in order to sleep, there has to come a moment of comfort on some level, and anyone who has laid awake all night knows what I mean.

The focus of this season between me and Him was not me, or me putting on my shoes or wrapping my cloak around myself.

It was Him showing up. - “Suddenly”.

It was Him shining a light into my cell.

It was Him striking me.

It was Him waking me up.

It was Him speaking to me.

It was Him breaking off every chain.

It was Him telling me what to do, and then leading me, even though I had no idea what He was up to.

It was me passing through the first and second guards.

It was me coming to gates that opened “by themselves”

It was me walking through it.

It was me getting to a place where I knew He was leading and rescuing me, “without a doubt”.

It had nothing to do with me.

I’m not trying, in any way, to insinuate that being a follower of Christ is cake. It is brutal. It hurts. It is denial of ourselves and carrying a heavy cross, but also taking upon us His yoke, that is easy, and light.

The most practical way I can explain it, is when Adrianna was little bitty, putting her and keeping her in timeout was like pulling teeth.. I mean, she is my kid.. She’s probably a little hard-head.. ;)

I’d tell her to sit. She’d throw a fit. There would be some back and forth, and she would sit. But she wouldn’t take a time out. She asked me over and over and over if time out was over. She got up, got disciplined, and got sat back down. She threw some more fits. Cried some more tears. Told me it wasn’t fair. Protested. Got up some more. And we repeated that a lot, until she finally just conceded, and when time out came, she just learned to go to time out and get it over with.

I never got angry at her - frustrated, maybe - but not angry. I love her, so I had to take into consideration her age, and her immaturity. God does that with us too. Not that He’s okay with disobedience, but He is gracious and patient, and He wants us to learn.

Through Adi’s time outs, she learned a lot of things. I taught her that hands are for helping, not hurting. I taught her that we don’t say certain things to people, or talk back. She learned discipline, and she learned how to just chill out and take a minute to rest.

God has been trying to put me in time out for a long time. He’s been trying to teach me, give me rest, discipline me and give me healing and restoration I desperately needed, and He longed for me to have, because He’s my Dad, and loves me - just like the time outs with Adi.

The same grace of Acts 12, the chain breaking, the gates opening, the obstacles being removed - gave me grace to learn to rest. No more tantrums or protests. No more getting back up before I was ready.

Ironically, I’m not sure I want Him to ever not want me to be resting, because I love it here. It’s so peaceful, and He is here with me literally ever moment, loving me, talking to me, changing me. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful. It’s contentment with Godliness, which is great gain. (1 Timothy 6:6)

Godly discipline starts with love, not at discipline, and I think I had that backwards. I think I thought if I was disciplined enough, if I read my Bible enough, and lived how He wants me to enough, I would know His love more. He loved me first (John 3:16) and I just needed to really know that for myself - that made the discipline easy, it made the burden light.

It made the rest so beautiful.

It obliterated the longing to run.. And for a girl with a heart of a mustang, that’s grace.. ;)

Last summer, Ben Watts spoke about Psalm 23, and broke it down for us all verse by verse. It came then with great revelation, but in this season God has brought it into my heart and out into the natural in so many ways. Because God is everything He says He is, and is always the same, even Psalms 23 starts with a picture of His love, showing us who He is first, and then leading us into a place of rest. Then comes restoration and leading into the right paths. There’s some dark things we walk through, but we don’t fear evil, and have comfort from Him. Then the good stuff comes. (That’s all paraphrased, I totally encourage you guys to read those scriptures and let Him write them on your hearts and show you..)

In this season of rest, I found an article about Psalm 23, and it was so right on with what I’ve been going through, and where I’ve walked, and even where I’m going, that I could barely breathe reading it. You can find it here:

http://restoringthegenerations.com/wpcontent/uploads/2011/04/110308_Ps23.pdf

Where God totally brought it all home for me, and completely overwhelmed me, was reading it, I thought, “Ben wrote this”.. and then learned that he had.

Cuuuu-razzzy..

(:
Don’t misunderstand me, God doesn’t want us to be lazy. God wants us to rest - and there’s a huge difference. We’ve got to get a reveleation of the Sheperd, and when that happens, we just follow Him to the still waters and when He says lie down, we are cool with it, and we just enjoy the green pastures we’re layin’ in.

It’s not just old words.

It’s life. It’s truth. It’s life and truth changing.

It’s not about us.

It’s not about me doing, or me reaching, or me striving.

It’s about God being the God who makes us lay down in green pastures and beside still waters being the very same God who led Peter into the place where he slept in Acts 12. It’s about the God who restores our soul and shows us He’s our shepherd, being the same God who rescued Peter in such a powerful way, he had no doubt.

God wants us to rest, and sometimes that’s sleep - the deep, peaceful, beautiful kind where He lays down beside you - but He also wants us to rest when we’re awake, as we do life and serve Him, by loving Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, and trusting Him with the details.

God wants us to be with Him, just to be with Him, not because we’re striving or searching or straining. All those things are the opposite of rest. When we’re resting, we’re trusting. When we’re not trusting, we’re doing, and it’s a common but kinda arrogant and prideful, pretty self reliant place to try to seek God from.

God wants us to know who He is, before we walk through the valleys of the shadow of death.. And by the way, a few weeks ago I shared on Twitter a heavy revy He spoke to my heart, that the Bible says we will walk “through” the valley of the shadow of death, not “to” it.. It doesn’t end there. It actually ends at a beautiful place that He prepared, with anointing, joy, fulfillment, goodness, and love, and most importantly forever being with Him..

Take His yoke.. Rest. His burden, no matter how dark and difficult it looks in the natural, is so light, and so beautiful..

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light”. - Jesus (Matthew 11:28)

Father, I ask You to open hearts to your call to rest and trust, and open eyes and ears to hear You, over the business and distractions of this world. Your Word says that your sheep know Your voice, and we thank You for that gift, and cast aside anything that hinders, any noise that distracts, and ask You, by grace, to remove any gates, any guards, and break the chains that keep us from following You into the places of green pastures and still waters. Thank You, God for restoration, rest, and grace to trust You. Thank You for peace that surpasses all understanding, peace we can’t give ourselves or get from the world, but only from You. Help us to be more like You, and see You rightly, as our shepherd. Provider and protector.. We love You, Lord..

In the mighty name above all names, Jesus, I pray and decree these things.

Amen

Ezekiel 34

2011-04-30T02:04:00.000-05:00

I'm studying rest.. and the Lord led me to Ezekiel 34, and I'm totally blown away by it.. It connected first to an interpretation of a dream that I'm going to be praying over, seemingly almost as immediate confirmation, and then God does that thing He always does where He doesn't just do the thing, He does the thing and then some.. (rest, trees, protection, He basically confirms in one chapter everything some of us have been enduring in this season..) This was way too much for a status update, so I'm sharing it as a note. Oasis family, I love you guys and I'm missing ya like crazy tonight, but I know I needed to stay in and receive His rest and get well.. Praying ya'll are havin' an incredible time in His presence as I type this, and so thankful that I'm doing the same. (love that.)

I included some of my notes, so the stuff in italics is what I felt the Lord was revealing/confirming to me as I was reading this, obviously without the interpretation of the dream because I have to seek some more revelation on that. I pray that the Lord will speak to you guys through this too, and I'd love to hear what He's speaking to your hearts. (:

Shepherds and Sheep
1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? 3 You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. 4 You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. 5 So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. 6 My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them. 7 " 'Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: 8 As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, 9 therefore, O shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: 10 This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.

(though this seems pretty harsh, when we understand the love of God for us, His sheep, it's a wake up call as leadership and also comforting as a daughter of God.. In reference to the shepherd, it seemed to reinherate to my heart the message that God has been jackin' us up with at Nurture - "it's not about me..", causing us to take our eyes of of us, seek His kingdom and let Him prepare us and form new wineskins out of us so that we can be used to the degree He wants to use us - for His sheep.. And the following, the image I saw was Daddy stepping in and sayin, "I got this.. move.. these are my kids.."

11 " 'For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.

Freedom.... Savior..

13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land.

He is leading.. and He knows where He's taking us.. And this gave me those fireflys in my tummy, but that's just me, bc I love pastures.. ha.. "I will pasture them on the mountains".. Anybody on a mountain? ;) I've never pictured a pasture on a mountain.. but I've never been to Israel, and He's God.. so if He says He can pasture on a mountain, well I just think that's an awesome little "perspective".. ;)

14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel.

"the lie down in good grazing land, connected to me to 'I will make them lie down in green pastures', which is a promise of true rest.."; A good pasture, and grazing land, both brought me images of provision, (not richness.. provision..) A good place, a safe place, where every need is met.."

15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD.

This one said so much more than I can even give words to right now, but for those of us in a season of rest and healing that seems painful, but we know the Lord has led us into.. it might let the love of God wrap you up like it did me when I read it. :)

16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.

and use us/me to do it.. intercession.. He's putting us all in specific places for specific seasons, to be a light. I've already seen this firsthand.. it also reminded me that He's the one that's leading that, and it's not my job to "figure out" who He's called me to influence..

I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Humility.. We're all learning a whole new level of humility, pain, weakness.. More promises from a loving Father..

17 " 'As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. 18 Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? 19 Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet? 20 " 'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep.21 Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, 22 I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another. 23 I will place over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he will tend them; he will tend them and be their shepherd. 24 I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David will be prince among them. I the LORD have spoken.

God has recently delivered me from a critical spirit, and me personally, this was a reminder of that, because even though I believe I was delivered of that, it's still a battle to keep it out of my heart. So to me, that's what this spoke of, a reminder to worry about me and Him, and enjoy the season He has me in, and the crazy blessings and provision He's pouring out on me, and just be obedient. And obviously, to me, when I saw "David", it was symbolic for Jesus.

This part, covenant of peace, is what I was studying when all of this other stuff came raining down on my heart.. (:

25 " 'I will make a covenant of peace with them and rid the land of wild beasts so that they may live in the desert and sleep in the forests in safety.

Surroundings / circumstances may not be comfortable, but He has removed certain evils, and we can rest, and feel safe and secure.

26 I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing.

Again, there's so much to this one.. we are blessed, and everywhere we tread is blessed, and I say that bc symbolically, the hill to me is the secret place with the Lord - where we pray, where we worship, and He even says the places around us and the hill He has blessed. I've seen this in fruition as well.

and the showers in season - (Channing.!!) let.. it.. rain.. (: And I receive those showers of blessing in Jesus name. ;)

27 The trees of the field will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them.

My first thought: "really, another tree/plant scripture?" haha.. What God showed me as I read this, is He's saying, it's gonna happen, the trees are gonna yield fruit, the ground is gonna produce crops, My people will be secure in their land.. Not like farmers say they hope the trees and ground will produce what they are designed to, God is saying, "will yield fruit.. will yield crops.. will be secure".. Promises He doesn't have to make! This connected tmy heart with Galatians 6:9, which says, "let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Friends, all of these trials and fires are producing love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, kindness, goodness, and long suffering.. Don't get discouraged.

"I will break the bars of their yoke and rescue them.." dude.. Deliverance and healing! (: This is a promise, my friends, so when the enemy says it's impossible, let's go back to this part of the Word and speak it over ourselves and others.

28 They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid.

Evil we've been tormented by most of our lives have been removed, or will be. (Demonic, fear, anger, depression, lust, criticism, insecurity..)

29 I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops, and they will no longer be victims of famine in the land or bear the scorn of the nations. 30 Then they will know that I, the LORD their God, am with them and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Sovereign LORD. 31 You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD.' "

He's taking care of us.. He's been with us every step of the way, and provided, sometimes barely, sometimes scarcely, for good purpose, but the land we're headed to bares much fruit and prosperity, whatever that means in His way. And... the end to me, was like, "Love you.. Dad."

(:

I totally just had church up in here typing this all out.. I love my Jesus.

To Let Go

2011-04-29T19:20:00.002-05:00

Edit

To Let Go

by Krissy Morrison on Friday, January 22, 2010 at 8:21pm

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.

It doesn't breed feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.

Letting go isn't about
winning or losing.

It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.

Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave
emptiness, hurt, or sadness.

Its not about giving in or giving up.

Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.

To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.

It is having an open mind and confidence in God alone, to write your story better than you could ever hope to.

Letting go is learning, experiencing,and growing.

To let go is to be thankful for the
experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.

It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.

Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.

Letting go is growing up.

It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.

To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

To let go is to accept that the right or wrong is irrelevant, that what you invested was not wasted, because someone will make you glad you perfected the act of loving fearlessly, and in that, you'll be thankful for the times it wasn't enough.

Letting go isn't tears, letting go is trusting God. Letting go is finding joy in adventure of what's to come, instead of finding comfort in pain because it's familiar.

- anonymous

Valuable

2011-04-05T14:50:00.001-05:00

Hide your valuables.. God hides His too, tucked closely by His side while His hands and strong arms work in our lives..

My value has been in the hands of all the wrong people and places, and in hands that didn't ask for it, but somehow they were thrown into these places, by me, and I didn't even realize it until recently, despite many, many signs that I should have caught on way before..

Even good things, even great hands, have held a my sense of value, like Godly friendships and ministries I'm involved in.. My value as a person, as a daughter, as a woman, has been perceived and received wrongly by me through so many things, and when the Lord showed me this, I just wept in sorrow - that good kind, where you know your soul is being washed by His grace.

So my simple prayer was this, "Lord, change my heart, and cleanse it. Heal every wound of rejection that has stayed there because of the value and worth I placed in hands it didn't belong to, all of my life, starting with my dad. Then change me, however You will, because I have no clue, so that my value and worth will be only through You, and nobody, and no thing or circumstance can dictate how much I am worth, or how much I should be valued in all of these areas."

All I was asking for was for Him to change my heart so that my sense of value is based on NOTHING except Him, and His love for me. And He started here.. And I’m not sure my heart is big enough to handle any further revelation.. because He has SO answered that prayer, or at least shown me some things that we're about to walk through and why.. and I'm already freakin' wrecked. (good wrecked.) Here's what He said.

He gave me His best.. He did then, before creation, He did it at Calvary, and He did it in this life, and He's not going to stop and decide to give me less..

I know that when He's spoken that to me before, it was a comfort and a request for me to walk in faith, and instead, my pride took it and turned it into something not holy, more of a demand or manipulation than a promise between God and I..

Lately all the things I’ve been hearing from the Lord and all the revelations He’s speaking and showing me are in those deep places of very simple and common truths. Like how I just made that (or maybe He did) very simple sentence go way deep – yeah.. that’s exactly what He’s been doing to me.

Today was the same, and again, I can barely even type. I spent my lunch hour outside, hearing from Him and receiving from Him, and He’s just been here all day with me. As if saving me from hell, unworthy, messy, and broken wasn’t more than I could ask for.. He’s here, listening, teaching, and speaking to me. Holding me when I cry, putting things in my path that He knows will make me laugh, and it seems like I’m either at a very dark place or I am overcome by His light and can see or feel no darkness, and there is no in between – there’s no transportation from one place to the other, I’m just either there or here. I like here best, but I’m learning that those dark places are the times when God is doing more in me even than times like this..

“God gives us His best”..

Let’s be honest, we only believe that when we’re praying for something, or when there’s a desperate need, or when we want to cast out something that requires work because the fantasy is too alluring that God wants our lives and callings to be easy. We equate His best with His easiest on us, or His way that requires no blood, sweat or tears.

Today, I saw the magnitude of that statement, that He gives us His best, and it transformed from a Christian cliché to a truth that shot so deep into my heart when the revelation came, that here, two hours later, trying to just function at work is nearly impossible, in a good way.

Maybe when I say this, people will read it and it wont really sink in, and that’s okay, because I’ve heard people say that hundreds of times, but without the Holy Spirit taking it from your eyes or ears and into the darkest rooms of your heart, it will just be cliché to you as well.

I know that He gives me His best, because He chose His best to give me. His Son..

(I know, that should so be something that impacts us, knocks us over, if we really believe it, but I’m gonna be transparent here and say that most of the things that should wreck us and bring us to our knees, even truly believing them, do not, because we’ve grown “used to it”.

But in the simplicity of this, the Holy Spirit changed me, and my perspective, forever. A couple things came from this.. so far.. I’m sure there’s more coming..

He could’ve used any animal. He could’ve done it any other way, or created a completely new way to save us, or just not saved us at all. But He did, because He wanted to restore us to Him, and He chose His best, His most treasured and loved possession, and gave it freely, and willingly, despite all of our flaws and failures, and in fact knowing about each one of them before they even happened..

Holy crap.. not crap.. You know what I mean.. ( I say this a lot.. I lose all adult sense of vocabulary in awe of the Lord sometimes..)

The second thing that I saw is that the cross itself stands against any argument or fantasy that God’s best means the easiest way, or the least painful way. God is the same today, yesterday, and always, and if His best for us included what was most painful then, how can we chalk suffering and pain up to “well this isn’t God’s best”.. That bloody cross says otherwise.

Am I saying that everything should be difficult and strenuous, no way. I’m speaking to myself, and the lies that the enemy has spoken that have stolen so much from me because I bought into it, and let it simmer, without comparing it to what God’s Word says.

In all honesty, I’m speaking probably to something much bigger than myself or circumstances, and probably much bigger than my past failures– I find that sometimes I don’t know the specifics of what God is doing until way later.

I realize I’m probably sounding drunk.. haha.. I warned you, I can barely function right now, but words are like nausea with me, if I let them sit there, they just spin and stir and make me dizzy.. I gotta say it when I gotta say it.

Here’s the point. (People should read my blog from top to bottom.. genius idea..) My true value, which only today have I even begun to see a tiny part of it, is so bigger than what I was expecting Him to show me..

He gave me His best, and He loves me enough to not hand me the easy way, and not give me everything I ask for, in the time I ask for it, in the way I ask for it, because those things combined have the capacity to destroy me, and His protection and will for my life, and purpose in the Kingdom is just more important to Him than my desires – even the good ones.

He will be faithful to complete every good work He has began, and He will be faithful to use every tear (He promised, ALL things) for the good of me, because I love Him.. But if He were to show up one day early, those things, or my inability to operate in them rightly, would lead me to a depth of hurt and disappointment I have never known – and I’ve known a lotta freakin’ hurt and disappointment. So that’s a no deal, Satan, but you can kindly see your ugly mug right back where ya came from. I'm gonna trust Him, and move forward, joyfully, and peacefully.

Waiting for God’s best hasn’t felt this good in a really long time. Or, really, ever. And I’m sure He’s feeling the same thing about preparing and completing the details so that He can finally give me His best, which He’s been longing to fulfill even more than I’ve been longing to receive.

Okay..possibly gonna try to work now, and participate in a staff meeting at my new job. This could be interesting in the state I’m in. (:

o'shocka.. ;)

Glory For Breakfast, Water For the Body ;)

2011-03-31T06:29:00.002-05:00

I’ve been in what has felt like Intercession boot camp the past few months, and somewhere around 4:30 am, the Holy Spirit has woken me up, nudging me to get out of bed and pray, and most of the time, I obey. It’s more like fall out of bed onto the floor and with my eyes still closed, I just pray in the Spirit because my brain refuses to form actual words that early.

Today is different.

I am different.

Today feels weird to say today because it’s still dark.. But anyway.. Moving on..

His presence was so tangible when I woke up randomly (not randomly at all) at 4:30, that I think my eyes were burning. The whole room was tender, and I physically felt in my heart and soul the deepest, most incredible thing I’ve ever felt.. There was no argument with Him about getting out of bed. There was no desire to sleep, ever again really. I tasted a flavor of His glory and presence that I’ve never known before, and sleep was the last thing on my mind. I am completely wrecked by God’s love right now, so much so that it’s even hard to type, but I know I’m supposed to release this and His grace is letting me do so.

After a time of deep prayer and intercession, the Lord showed me a vision, and I believe it’s not just for me, but also a corporate Word for those who will receive it.

For some, this will go about as deep as halfway registering it in thought, because deep speaks to deep, but deep confuses shallow. But for those of us who have blisters on our spiritual feet and the bottom of our crosses are worn down from these many miles we’ve walked through the wilderness seasons, following in the footsteps of Jesus, let this be a Word of encouragement from the Lord.

This is for the Bride. This is for the Army of God. It’s is for the laborers in the field. This is for the blood, sweat, and tears of the righteous. This is for the intercessors and the sowers. This is for the heartache, the anguish, and the perseverance.

I saw a vision of an enormous, dark, thick cloud over the Body of Christ, over God’s people. It was familiar to me, so familiar that it wasn’t even alarming, almost as if I had just accepted that it belonged there over me. (Okay, let’s be honest, not “almost” or “as if”)..

The hand of the Lord came and rolled up the dark cloud in one sweep of His beautiful hand, like it was a throw rug.

Hallelujah! And “Dude!!!” At the same time!

“Remember My Sovereignty”, says the Lord. “Now is the time to persevere, not turn back. The pressure has never been higher, and the heat of the fire has never been more powerful. Hold on, Beloved. My love for My children has restrained My hand, for I wait patiently for those who do not know Me to hear my call on their heart, and in the meantime, I have been arming my Warriors for battle, with the ammunition of perseverance. I have held every tear, directed every step, and allowed the enemy of your souls to test you, just like Job, and in some cases, just as extreme as Job. I am pleased, and I delight over My children, with compassion and mercy. In My sovereignty, it only takes one breath, one sweep of the hand, or one Word to demolish the strongholds of the enemy and clear away the cloud of darkness and replace it with my Glory on the earth. Be refreshed in My presence. Be restored by My love. Do not turn back or give in. My Spirit is in You, who can defeat you? My blood flows through you, what can stand against you? Be strong, and protect your mind from things of the world that conflict with My word, even down the the tiniest details, for the enemy knows He has lost your eternity, but He longs to steal your calling, and He won’t come in the front door, He knows better. Guard your heart and mind through My Spirit, and stay steadfast, do not leave My side. Receive My joy, and My peace, for when the enemy loses ability to steal these things from you, there is no more stronghold of fear in your heart. Press on, Beloved. I am so in love with you.”

3/31/11

Your Bags Are Packed. Your Cab Is Waiting. Don't Talk. Just Go.

2011-03-01T17:33:00.000-06:00

For the first time, that part of me that finally gets to just completely done, actually feels really good to be so. You've been such a part of my life, that I never imagined I'd get to this place with you, but finally, I have arrived. I am done.

It’s time for you to take your rightful place in my life, and in my heart, and that rightful place is underneath my feet, where snakes belong, and meet their death, by the authority given to me by the blood of Jesus Christ.

You wear a smug grin every time I cower to you, but I have had enough.

You sat down beside me and embedded yourself in my identity when I was a child, unable to defend myself from your grasp.

But hear my voice now, it is not shaking, and look at my hands, they do not tremble.

I am finished with you, spirit of fear. You and all of your lies, all of your tactics and plans.

Countless times you have spoken lies into my heart and life, and I have allowed it. I even became attached to you, and you made me feel safe. You made me believe that holding onto you and your deception made me safe from hurt, and you convinced me that vulnerability was my enemy. The Voice of Truth has freed me from your deception, and I will no longer hand you the authority you've been stealing over my life and identity.

All these years of hard work and determination on your part, and it comes down to this day, and you are defeated, in Jesus name. I fully mean to add salt to the wound when I tell you that not only are you defeated on this day, but He will use every single tear and wrong turn towards fear somehow for His glory. Your evil will be used to glorify Him. That's gotta sting a little.

Oh, and by the way, everything you've stolen from me, you will be paying me back.. sevenfold. Angels will be bringing you an invoice soon. There will be very high interest.

You should've just left me alone. I wouldn't have pursued the presence of God like I have if you had just left me alone. Now look what you've gone and done..

You had a plan for my life, one of emptiness, bitterness, envy, and destruction. But you underestimated the call on my life, and more importantly, the One who called me. You should read the end of the book, in the end, He wins. And here in the middle, between the beginning and the end, He has already defeated you. Lie by lie, He is breaking down the stronghold you have been allowed to have on me.

I know your persistence. I know your voice. I know you will continue to try to come back and rebuild a relationship with me, but I will be standing at the door every time, baring the mark of His Chosen, and Sword in hand. That door will not open, in Jesus name. A legion of angels surrounds me, and you have lost your place in my heart, by the grace He is extending to me.

You do not love me. You aren’t capable of love, for there is no fear in love.

You are not security or safety. You are destruction and pain.

I have been naive, and I have let you have your way for so long. I was reckless and believed that you were my protection.

But you never protected me from anything bad that has happened, but you have hid me from receiving so many good things, and you have stood between me and the healing in my soul that I've needed so desperately.

No more.

You underestimated the power of the oil poured over me in His presence.

You underestimated the authority I’ve been given.

You and I are finished, and I am not asking nicely.

I’m commanding you, through the crimson blood and Holy name of Jesus, to collect your things and remove yourself from my life, and from the lives of those I love. I am not afraid of you, for you are no longer part of me.

I'm coming for your throat, and if I accomplish anything in my life, I pray that it is being used for God's glory, as a warrior in the Kingdom of God, to relentlessly tear down your deceptions in other peoples' lives.

This Sword I bare will discern, divide, and slice into pieces every lie you speak, and every attempt to steal, kill, and destroy.

You have no entitlement, nor any authority in my life, or in the lives of anyone in Christ.

It’s over, and you’ve already been replaced by Faith, that I am who God says I am, and God is who He says He is.

And take your luggage with you, I'm done carrying that crap around too...

In Jesus name.

God, I thank You for the refreshing wave of boldness and intolerance of fear that You've instilled in me. I pray that You multiply by grace that same intolerance through the Body of Christ, and that the spirit of fear loses its grasp on Your kids. I pray that the very expression on the face of Your Bride changes on this day, from discouraged and confused to bold and confident, knowing Your voice and overwhelmed by Your love. May we only follow Your voice, the Voice of Truth, and not the voice of any other. May we eagerly and swiftly allow Your hand to streamline us into Your will if we have stepped even one foot out of it. Thank You, God, for replacing and redeeming every single thing that I allowed fear to steal or destroy. Your love is ridiculous.

In Jesus name I pray these things.
Amen.

Fine, I'll Say It. Then I'd Really "Dig" Some Sleep. Thanks.. ;)

2011-02-12T04:28:00.001-06:00

I’ve said a lot, in jest, that I wish God would learn how to text. It’s nights like these that I’m kind of glad He hasn’t attempted to speak to me in text, because the “I didn’t get that text” only goes so far.

Instead, God nudges.. And continues to nudge. Gently. (Mostly of the time). He whispers, He reminds us. He taps us on the shoulder. I usually listen, and I usually obey, at least by the third or fourth nudge. I’ll be honest - with this one, I ignored about the first fifty three nudges and looked the other way when He’s tapped me on the shoulder.

And now, I turn and face Him, and say.. Dangit.. Dad.. And stomp to my room to type this. Despite my metaphorical tantrum, here I am, about to be vulnerable, but not without pouting.

Purity..

There, now that I said that, some of you can be as uncomfortable as I am. That word itself is beautiful to me, and it’s not the word that makes me uncomfortable, it’s the vulnerability to follow…

Winter seems to be a season of cold, dead things, but in truth, it’s when God does most of His underground work, so to speak, and we just see the fruit and results later on when this season is over. But trust me, He’s definitely at work.

With me, specifically, He’s working on major things in my heart and character, and He’s pulling out some deep roots.. - those deep, thick, stubborn ones. They’re like weeds from hell, buried deep in our souls. He loves us too much to leave them there, because they’re poisonous, so as soon as we surrender, He gets the backhoe and combine tractor and gets to work. (I’m such a redneck..) It’s not fun. It’s painful, and the hours are long, and brutal.

Okay, I’ll quit stalling.. Back on track we go…

My (beautiful, amazing, sister in Christ) Britney started a blog recently about purity. (http://pureforapurpose.wordpress.com) And I know that when God dropped this on her heart, she didn’t have any idea that it would effect me the way it did.

I’m sure that in her obedience, she hoped and prayed that it would touch people in positive ways, and challenge them to view purity in a fresh light.

I doubt she knew that God would use her words as a mirror to shine a light on something in me that needed to be addressed with Him. Not because God wanted me to feel shamed, but because there was one of those nasty, thick roots (evil weeds) that He wanted to remove, and He used Britney’s vulnerability to do so. And He did.

Even now, as I’m typing this, I’m encouraged again by Britney’s vulnerability, because I know what hers did for my soul, and I can only hope that mine can pay that forward.

Having weeds pulled out from the core of its structure is likely not the earth’s favorite pastime. It isn’t mine either.

So, I read Britney’s blog, and it was precious. I didn’t learn anything new about her that I hadn’t already known - either by knowledge or recognition by spirit. At first, I was overjoyed for her, and the little stabs in my soul were very quiet.

Then came her second blog on the subject, and as I read it, my whole heart filled up with acid. (Hello, evil, nasty root.. Where have you been hiding? Jerk.)..

I read her words and though my spirit recognized God’s grace and hand in her testimony and wanted to rejoice, something inside me was burning. Envy, shame, and hurt were consuming me from the inside out. Then came the frustration and confusion, because I didn’t want to feel that way. I argued with myself, that I was pure too, why did this make me feel so bad? (We’ll get to that..)

I did what all Spirit filled, anointed, power possessing, Christ knowing daughters of the Most High God would do in that situation - okay, no, I totally didn’t. I did what all fear filled, ashamed, emotionally driven people would do - I shut my laptop, shut down the emotions, and pretended it never happened.

I ignored the taps on my shoulder from Jesus, sayin’, “hey, I’m here. Wanna talk about this?” Nope.. Freaking. Nope. I don’t. Thanks.

He continued to tap. He whispered. He nudged.

I shrugged it off. I convinced myself I was fine. I locked the door in my heart to that and hid the key from myself. Turns out, the Holy Spirit is an excellent key finder, and my face wears weight of spiritual heaviness in a very non flattering way, and certain people can see it. (Downside to having Spirit filled friends.. Just sayin’.)

(Thanks Jesus, for being so patient, so merciful.. It must be like trying to give someone in the ER a demoral button and them fighting for days, for no reason, and just preferring to stay in pain..)

I didn’t understand why I felt that way. I’m learning more and more how much not understanding something doesn’t justify dealing with it wrong.. That’s another blog though..

I kept getting so angry with myself, reminding myself of how much I’ve done to live out the purity vow I made. I hadn’t done anything physical or anything close so long, I don’t dress a certain way, I speak and think purely, blah blah blah.. So why did I feel unpure reading her blog? (Satan of course, jumped right in during those self convos and reminded me of past sins and impurities that I’ve repented and received forgiveness for countless times - that’s what he does. )

And finally, I broke..

I had the breakdown with the one person that it was most difficult to talk about that with, because him seeing me as impure would hurt. But in that conversation, God shed some light on that dang root and started a healing process in me.

Those things that I “did” or “didn’t do” were righteous. A long time ago, there came a point where I just decided randomly (Holy Spirit extending an amazing grace and I took it) that I was never again going to involve myself physically with anyone, in any way, outside of God’s heart and will for me. And ever since then, I’ve kept that. The way I acted, dressed, talked, and thought began to change, and for a very long time now, I can proudly (good proud not sin proud) say that I have upheld that commitment. I value it, it’s so precious to me, I don’t even have the words, yet if I had the whole world’s attention for just five minutes, that’s what I would talk about.. (ha.. As if I could make one point in five minutes.. )

What I had missed, was letting God change my heart in the way I saw myself.

It turns out, this whole purity thing, is a lot like faith - the stuff we “do” in honor of it are absolutely necessary, but it’s still by grace that we receive it, and it’s still something that begins on the inside, in our hearts.

I was trying to earn my purity badge, but didn’t ever receive that cleansing in my heart from Jesus. (My bad.. )

It was still a stronghold. Those sins are forgiven, and I am completely a new creation in Jesus, but Satan still knows of those things, and because my heart didn’t feel pure, it’s been a powerful weapon against me.

When you know who you are in Christ (learning everyday..) it’s really hard for the enemy to convince you otherwise. He will still whisper things, and still make accusations - that’s all he has to do. But those things that have been thrown at me, in various ways, covered in the poison of my past were only effective because I didn’t allow God to let me see myself the way He sees me, and that is pure, new, and recreated by His grace.

It’s a process, and I’m not claiming that I’ll never fall victim to the shame that will try to come against me for my past mistakes, but I can tell you that already, I’ve seen a change in me. I can speak more effectively about my past, and share my heart without being overcome by shame and that feeling of disgust with myself. I’ve still got work to do, but the view of myself is a lot less clouded and distorted.

So, thanks, Britney - for allowing God to do a work in me, through the work He’s doing in you. That’s the stuff that binds us together in ways we didn’t expect, but will be forever a part of our walk and testimony.

Father, I pray that you will continue to uproot things in my soul that distort who I see myself as, and I thank You that You are at work in my heart, removing all things that are not of You. I thank You for mercy, and the grace and forgiveness You've poured out on me. Help me to speak with boldness about this to a world that is in desperate need of Your view on who we are and the purity You will for us to walk in. Thank You, for stretching me beyond my own comfort to be a voice of truth and life for You. Thank You, for those who walk through these tough things with me, and for the one who holds my hand in my darkest moments, and extends Your compassion, helping me see who You see when You look at me. I pray that by Your grace, others who need this same light and truth spoken into their hearts will receive it. In Jesus name.

Mission-Ary (:

2011-01-09T23:37:00.002-06:00

Edit

Mission-Ary. (:

by Krissy Morrison on Sunday, January 9, 2011 at 11:23pm

.. right now, I'm laughing to myself at the cheesiness of the title of this note. You'll get it later and roll your eyes at my simple sense of humor. ;)

Yeah.. so anyway..

I can’t honestly say that every time I’ve ever read my Bible, I’ve wanted to read it. I also can’t say that every time I’ve ever read my Bible, I’ve felt like I understood anything that I read - in fact, most of the time, I have finished reading feeling like I probably missed something or read “the wrong” part of it, as if there is one.

Last year, my older sister gave me the most incredible present I’ve ever received, and likely ever will, because it has changed my life. She gave me a Life Application Study Bible, and it being pink and all, well, it was just perfect. ;)

It truly has been my best friend, and even on the days when I haven’t felt like I “connected” to what I was reading, I’ve always cherished that Bible. The truth is, it connected to parts of myself that I was disconnected to until recently.

God has been writing my mission statement on my heart and it didn’t really click until tonight. Over the last few months, I’ve experienced some run-ins with the truth of God’s Word, some incredibly joyful, some incredibly painful. All of them undeniably orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. To be totally transparent, most of them were reminders from God of scriptures I read and hadn’t felt immediately connected to.

In my randomness, I labeled those experiences of my soul and rememberances of God's words as "sparks". I looked up the definition of spark and was amused.. Spark is defined as:

1. (noun) a glistening particle, such as metal, or other burning substance; 2. (noun) a flash of light, usually produced by friction, electric charge, or strong current. 2. (verb) to activate, or "spur" into action.

This part may or may not make sense, but let's just say the "heavy revy" about sparks became a spark itself, and the "spur" was a wink from the Holy Spirit I have yet to fully understand, and for the sake of all of your sanities, I will not attempt to explain it at this time. ;)

These run-ins have been as simple as receiving something I believed was God’s voice, and asking Him to confirm it for me, (like the Bible promises) and watching Him bring insane confirmations within minutes. My awe and joy was literally unspeakable - it takes a lot to shut me up, and suffice to say, seeing the Word come to life and manifest in the natural, Jesus totally had me speechless. I wanted to stand on the roof and scream “the Bible is legit!! This stuff is real!” for days. Probably should have, now that I think about it.

The run-ins have also been very difficult, because in the moments when the Bible has stood tall and unyielding, as a soul-length mirror, I’ve had to take some very hard looks into it and see that the woman in my reflection was outgrowing the masks and defenses she’d worn for most of her life.

Those run-ins have forced me into a place of repentance, and authenticity that I never would’ve walked into in my own will. The healing that came from those places, however, carries the ability in God’s grace to change nations. Run-ins and crashes are always seen a little more clearly in hindsight, because in the moment everything is so fast, and so chaotic. The soul-length mirror type of run-ins have changed the reflection completely, and changed the woman I see now in unexplainable ways.

Then there’s those run-ins with the Word that are agonizing and painful, because to be obedient to them, you have to die a little. (Okay, a lot.) Laying down your life is not a game. Carrying a cross and following Jesus means dying to your flesh, and we’re all a little guilty of trying to keep certain parts alive. Most of us who are obeying the command to carry our cross behind the footsteps of Jesus understand what I mean by agony. At this point in my own journey, I’m not sure obedience to that can be without agony at some point.

Sometimes the Word gets up in your grill (yeah.. I really just said gets up in your grill..) and asks the question, “do you really believe?” Proverbs 3:5, for example, which says, “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Countless times, I have cried out, “I don’t understand.” And nearly every time, this scripture flashes across the surface of my heart, and I can no longer justify wrong actions or disobedience based simply on the fact that I don’t understand. Those are the run-ins with the Word that get gut level, and demand selflessness, which is the application of dying to ourselves and picking up our own cross. That’s the stuff that hurts, and requires enormous amounts of grace.

I said earlier that something clicked tonight, and I realized that God has been working on a project of my heart in this season, where I really feel like He’s given me a mission statement. These run-ins, all good, but sometimes seemingly bad, and the ways He constantly recalls those Words of His to my mind, were no accident or coincidence.

I could spend all night listing the scriptures that I’ve seen God fulfill in my life, and I’m not sure I’ll even be able to explain what’s on my heart in words, but the best examples I can give are these:

I want people to look at my life and see peace beyond understanding.

I want people to see the provision that God has poured out on me, and know that it was all Him, and that when I looked the birds and saw that His hand feeds them and therefore trusted that I was more valuable to Him than a bird, and therefore He would also provide for every need I have, that He did, in supernatural ways.

I want people to remember the purity that I was given, and walked out, not because I did anything right, but because He gives the commandment of purity, and the grace to live it.

I want people to hear things like “a new creation in Christ”, and relate it to the transformation into a completely new creation that He did in my heart and in my life.

I want people to see edification in my friendships, and attach it to “as iron sharpens iron..”

I want people to see that when I lived for me, I was dead, but when I laid down my life, I found it.

I want people who make lots of money to ask me why I have so little of it and yet they rarely see me stress about it, so I can explain to them that living on Biblical principles of tithing and trust, I literally don’t worry about money, because I’ve seen God provide exactly the amount I needed for that day, many times. And then I’d get to remind them that God has always operated on this promise, starting with manna and Israelites.

I want people to see my friend get up out of his wheelchair, and when they ask what happened, I want the only explanation to be that Jesus said through Him we have the power to release those kinds of supernatural miracles, and we believed that He could, and so He did. *goosebumps*

I want people to see the blindness lifted out of someone’s eyes, and explain it with a thankful heart and a simple shrug, and just, “it’s in the Bible.”

I want people to see things, and not see me, but see that God is real, and He is involved, His Word is alive, and He is at work in this life, fulfilling things in ways that could only come from Him.

I want people to see that God’s way and God’s word is not outdated or “expired”, and that living on His principles opens doors and glories that have no other explanation besides “it was God.”

I want the questions people ask about my life to be answered in scripture.

That mission statement is this..

If at the end of this life, the only thing accomplished was a life of a woman that served as a living testimony that the Bible is truth, then regardless of natural circumstances or details, I will have finished my race, and my Father in Heaven will say to me, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

It’s simple. And the funny thing is that all this time, I’ve been striving, searching for a clear identity, a detailed description of what my purpose was, outside of the one call we all have as believers, which is to “go into all the world and preach the gospel”. I made it so complicated and stressful, and the whole time, the Lord was showing me the simple devotion He spoke over me when He created me - to live His Word, and He'll do the rest.

This is more of a journal entry than a blog, but maybe it might help switch gears into simplicity for some of you. If it made any sense at all. ;)

Overcomer by Grace Book Release!! :)

2010-11-09T16:33:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite authors and speakers, John Bevere defines grace as this:

In addition to the ability through Jesus Christ to be free from sin, grace means God's imparted ability. Grace is a supernatural ability that achieves something we could never imagine, much less accomplish in and of ourselves.

The one thing that I have always known about this book, is that it was about that kind of grace, as much as the other. It has nothing to do with me - I'm just willing to let my stories be used by His grace to become something that could make a difference to someone else.

This book was something God dropped on my heart almost a year ago. Today, I'm glad I followed that leading.

The healing, the strengthening, the "water" that God has poured into me just by writing it is more than enough for me, and I stand at the same place today as I did in the beginning of this - surrendered to whatever He wants to do with it, and making sure I'm not standing in the way. Also thankful for those who have believed in this and who have shared their testimony of what this message and my stories have done for them - those things are immeasurably important. I would've quit this whole thing a long time ago without the strength those few lent me along the way. ;)

The grace that fueled and carried this message is unconventional. It's like reading my journal, and give the entire world an opportunity to see parts of my life and my journey that I couldn't share outside of His grace.

I completed the final edits a few weeks ago, and like it's always been, I wasn't looking for the next step, it's always been like this with this thing. Yesterday, I got completely overwhelmed by God's love for me when I saw just how ridiculous that love can be. Emily surprised me with a published copy of the first edition of my book. 25 copies actually. (By first edition, I mean we're gonna tweak some things and I've asked Bruce Joy to help with some of the artwork for the cover, so there will be another release soon.)

When Emily walked into my life, I was not prepared for the friend, the sister, and the permanent part of my heart that she has come to be to me. There is no greater compliment than for someone to believe in your heart, and support you in the most ridiculous adventures. That girl - all I can say is that Jesus is beaming with joy over how much she looks like Him.

Emily, Susan, I can't ever say thank you enough. In the natural, you might be the two people who should have loved me and believed in me the LEAST. Yet through the love of God, you were the two that believed in me the most. Your love has removed any excuse for anything less than truth. :)

So, because of her OCD and drive, I've asked Emily to do her thing and oversee the management side of this book. Her organizational skills and integrity are ninja like ;) and I trust her with this part of my "story", and that she will do so much better with this stuff than me and my a.d.d. <3

We have about 15 copies of the first batch of Overcomer by Grace, and we both feel like it's an opportunity to let God do the things only He can do. So, we agree that at least for this first batch, we're not gonna name a price, but instead just accept donations, for the book and the ministry. If you feel led to contribute, awesome. If not, you can just order a copy and she'll get it shipped out to you. I'm not sure what shipping costs are, and she would never ask this, but if you do order one, I'd really appreciate at least covering the cost of shipping so she doesn't pay it on her own. She's too generous to say that, so I will. :)

To order the book, go to Emily's blogsite, www.walkingwithcourage.blogspot.com and click on the Paypal link on the top right section. You can order, make a donation, or both (or either) :) here. We're gonna just do them first come first serve! :)

Em, feel free to post more detailed info if you want. :)

For everyone else, thanks so much for the encouragement and support. I am so blessed with some really incredible people in my life. And lots and lots of grace. <3

Unapologetically Unearthed

2010-09-17T19:01:00.002-05:00

Unearthed.. yeah there's a second reference there. It might make sense later. ;)

This blog took a very different direction than I intended it to, and yes, I recognize how bizarre it is to begin a blog referring to its completion..

I have a message burning in me about the covenant, or the marriage we enter into when we give our hearts to Jesus.. But when I started writing, this poured out instead, and though it might seem aggressive, I know it’s pure hearted because there’s no specific motivation, and it wasn’t generated as a result of anything. I just felt it coming up from my heart, and let it out..

I’ll start with the part where I felt my heart switch subjects, quickly.. You might wanna sit down, this is a long one.. (If you didn’t expect it to be obnoxiously long, you’re probably reading my blog for the first time, and this is gonna be an interesting first impression..) haha..

Before I explain this message on my heart about the marriage between the Believer and the Husband, I need to say something.. I’ve got so much dialogue with the Holy Spirit etched on my heart, and this is gonna seem like 2 blogs in one, but I can’t go on with what I want to say until I say what I need to.. Or rather, with what I need to say until I say what I want to..(that might take u a few times to figure out..)

(There’s always a ridiculously long disclaimer.. I know.. It’s like a kiss on the forehead that precedes a tough goodbye sometimes.)

I don’t know how to say only half of what’s on my heart, (I think I'm incapable of talking with the use of periods, everything is a comma.. like I'm just never done talking.. just ask my boyfriend.) ;) Anyway.. at the same time, I want people to hear my heart speaking louder than my words. I admit, trying to balance that, I fall short, all the time. I’m working on that.. But I’ll never be sorry for candor, when I know its coming from a pure and loving place.

As I step out in saying all of this, know that it’s not shaped by arrogance, I’m saying this in humility. I say it not as a scold, but through tears, and weariness from being on my face in prayer over your salvation and your heart. (Yes, yours..) I say it with a deep repentance, of all the times I was a horrible wife to Jesus. If you don’t understand covenant, and don’t burn the same way I do, that will seem like a ridiculous description, and that’s okay.. I’m gonna say it anyway, ridiculous or not.

I recognize the walls people build around themselves when I’m standing near them, most of them made from their own convictions or misunderstandings of me. I know people mock me, and roll their eyes when I say what’s on my heart. Believe me, I’m very much aware of the general opinion of me from those that don’t share my fire, or my heart, or even my cross. I feel it. I hear it. I see it. The only thing I’ll say about that is this: 1) I’ve been there too. And 2) Don’t mistake my reaction as naivety. I’m just more concerned with obeying and living by biblical principle than I am in defending myself to the world or trying to win its favor.

I deal with that masked animosity daily. I feel it in my guts, and my heart grows heavy. But I will always turn the other cheek. Because to let that stop me, break me, or change me, I can only serve one God, and I choose the real one, not the false one of approval and popularity, so I don’t get the liberty of letting people decide who they think I should be. I don’t get to take the easy way and just cower in fear to those who think I’m just “a little too much Jesus”..

If you know some deep theology or have a different opinion on something I say, you’re probably right. I don’t pretend to be a theologian, and I am constantly learning, and realizing how little I know. I am not perfect, but I am authentic, and in that, I make mistakes. I say what I’m inclined to and a lot of times regret it, but my heart is never malicious and seeking to injure.

I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost family. I’ve lost every material possession I ever held. I’d like to say I never flinched. I’d like to say that my fire was burning so wildly for Jesus and my faith was so big that losing everything never destroyed me. But that’s not true. This past year has been unimaginably difficult, and I’ve been completely stripped of everything that doesn’t matter in Heaven, and in that itself, I see how much God loves me.

I only have the ability to hear the voice of Jesus as easily as I do, because I had to be beaten, mocked, spit at, made fun of, tortured, lied about, and crucified to get there. When you find yourself with no real home, and in pain deeper than you ever knew possible, crying out to God for the souls of the very people who are so satisfied with watching you die, Jesus becomes very, very real. And very close.

Maybe that helps you understand, that its not personal. Instead, it’s just that I’m in place that’s so far past caring what the world thinks of me, that I can’t even see that place when I look back.

Ironically stands the fact that the only people who I value the opinion of are the ones who value me, sincerely and deeply, and value my relationship with God more than the one with them. Funny how that works.

Most people prefer the version of myself I was before Jesus interrupted my life - the fun me, the reckless, damaged, broken, bitter, hateful, vindictive, sinful, angry me. I try to overlook the fact that someone would claim to love me but prefer me to have stayed lost and empty, because I’m just more fun when I’m drunk and helping them feel right about living in darkness. I no longer have the ability to overlook that. Instead my heart breaks for those people, because if they knew my Jesus, they would understand, and prefer me alive, and not spending an eternity in hell.

This is not easy, and this is not without pain, and anyone who preaches that being a follower of Christ is an easy, comfortable life has never really met Him.

I am here in this place, and it’s not free from heartache or suffering. But this is my home, for now, between where I started and the Promised Land (the one on earth, not just in Heaven..). Here, where I have been put through fires that burn every hidden poison in me, and burn them as long as it takes to make sure they’re really gone. Here, where I learned the painful lesson countless times, that nothing is truly yours until you let go of it. Here where nothing I can see or touch in the natural represents security to me, but instead, the safest and most amazing security is in having nothing at all. I’ve prayed for God to make it not hurt to feel rejected or betrayed by people for my faith. He always answers that prayer, but it’s always with a “no.”

This is not directed at any specific person, or group, and I pray that nobody uses it for a purpose of division. I just needed to say this, and I need the world to know this. You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to smile and pretend that you understand or love me. You don’t have to agree with me. Anything you can say about me, trust me, it’s been said before. It’s always gonna hurt me, but it won’t defeat me.

I hate that people have felt rejected and hurt because they don’t understand who I am now, or why I can’t just compromise, and why I can’t just “relax”. Though I will never waver on that, know that it hurts me that something I do or refuse to do causes anyone heartache. I hate that.

I humbly admit, I have said things with the right heart but the content or the presentation was way wrong. I’m human, and I make mistakes, and I don’t pretend not to.

My intention has never been to hurt anyone, and I do struggle, I think about people and things, and wish they shared the life I have now with me. I miss people. I miss things about my old life. I’m just bein’ real, it’s not just the good things I miss. I’ve had plenty of days where satan has used affliction as an opportunity to recall for me how much “fun” my life seemed back then. I find myself lost in those memories sometimes, and then I look at who I am, and how alive I am now, and I just wanna hug that girl I used to be, and never stop thanking Jesus for the way He’s transformed me into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).

This road gets so tough, and so lonely, and pretty much every day at some point, I want to quit. But I always look back on those moments and know that what is inside of me, and who God has transformed me into, (from the inside out, not the outside in, but that’s a whole other blog..) was stronger than my strife, because in my weakness, the strength of Jesus is made perfect. (“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness”… - Jesus, 2nd Corinthians 12:0) And that has never, ever, ever failed. Ever.

I walk in favor, and amazing freedom, because my only true possession - the one thing that really belongs to me - is my Salvation, and nobody and no circumstance can take that away from me. There are no shackles on my feet. When I had every material thing I wanted, and no concern or struggle, I was a prisoner of “stuff”.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.

To try to sum up all of that, when there’s like 6 million points, and they’re not in a row at all, is kinda impossible. So I’ll just say this.. I don’t have expectations of everyone agreeing with me, or liking me, or supporting me. I’m gonna burn for Jesus, and I’m gonna do it walkin’ around like a madwoman sometimes, praying in tongues, weeping and standing for babies that are being killed, and speaking what I feel led to speak, regardless of the cost. I’m gonna have an amazing marriage, where we set a standard that tells the world that their standard (emotionally fueled, sin filled, selfish, Godless) is robbing themselves of the gift its meant to be. That marriage will be a source of hope and encouragement to others, and a testimony that the only way to have the kind of marriage that lasts and is fruitful is to build it on the Rock. I’m gonna have children that pray wholeheartedly, and lay hands on their classmates. I’m gonna have very few friends, but the ones I do have are gonna be amazing, edifying, and love me unconditionally - already have that. I’m gonna have a comfortable home, where people walk in and depression and disease fall off of them at the door, because the Spirit of God is so alive inside those walls. I’m gonna have more than a pulse. I’m gonna have puffy eyes from being brokenhearted for the lost, and the suffering of people in our world. I’m gonna use every single trial and heartache to let God redeem it, and by grace use it to speak life and hope to hearts that have none. I’m gonna love, even if I have to at a distance.

I’m gonna do these things, and I hope I will still be loved, and liked, and supported, and even understood. I hope that I get to share my life and my joys with people. But even if I had no body, if I lost everyone I’ve ever cared about, and every possession, and spent the rest of my time laying in a field dying of starvation, I’d prefer that over who I used to be - even on my worst day with Jesus. That’s how good He is. That’s how GOD He is. He has ruined me for anything that’s not of Him. I’m uninterested in anything that’s empty or void of Jesus, I know, that’s so dumb to some people. Don’t care.

I think that’s been confused with selfishness or arrogance for a long time. I pray that saying all this, and the truth will bring freedom and healing to a lot of people that know me. Or, they’ll hate me more.. Whatev. Haha..

This is the strangest blog I’ve ever written.. Possibly.. I don’t know, that’s a tough competition.. It began as a sermon, took a left at disclaimer, sharp curve around a pouring out of my heart, and wove in and out of traffic of testimony.. Haha..

Everytime I write a blog I think that, and then God never fails to use my effort to help minister to someone, in the way only He and His grace can. So I just roll wit’ it. ;) I crack up when I talk like a gangster, because I’m so country, it makes it hilarious.. To me.

I’m done now.. If you spent the 12 hours it takes to read all that, thanks. Now that I’ve gotten that out, I can start the blog.. Haha..

I'm gonna make it a separate one actually.. in the interest of keeping things short and sweet. ;)

Letter From Hell

2010-08-27T14:20:00.000-05:00

I always thought I had it pretty rough on earth. I thought I knew heartache, and I thought I knew regret. When the metal screeched, I’d never heard such an awful, horrifying sound. I’d seen blood on the tv shows I consumed myself with, but I’d never seen blood so red, and felt the horror of realizing it was my own.. Until then. Of all the horrible moments I can tell you about during that crash, the one where I realized I was out of time was the worst. A regret and a pain so deep, it made the sights and sounds of death seem easy.

I remember my parents telling me things God had done for them, I remember their looks of worry when I made decisions as an adult to just ignore God completely, and intended to deal with it later.. “someday”.. I remember my mom praying for me, and how it always kind of annoyed me. I just thought she took that stuff a little too far. The second worst part of this, (I’ll get to the first in a minute) is knowing how much pain she was in when I died, because she knew.. I did that to her. She’ll never really know how sorry I am.

It’s not that I ever didn’t believe God was real, I just expected Him to prove it to me. I’d been to church. I had said the sinners’ prayer and dedicated my life to Jesus, every year at church camp, six years in a row.. I never really took it seriously once I was back in my world. Even then, I always thought, I’ll just do my thing, and then when I’m older, or when God shows Himself worthy, I’ll start doing things His way, and I’d think of all the things that I didn’t want to give up.

Had I known then, what I know now, I would’ve gladly laid it all down for Him.

I met Jesus.. He doesn’t look much like what people paint Him as. If it weren’t for the light around Him and in Him, and the fire and water in His eyes, I might have not recognized Him. I guess that’s the point of my letter to you.

I didn’t have any excuse for not knowing Him. He never left me, never gave up on me. I didn’t realize it until I watched the truth and the things I did and didn’t do on earth, and saw Him there in ways I’d always ignored.

God is just. Jesus Christ is real, and I was unworthy to even speak to Him. I didn’t beg for another chance, I knew that God had given me every opportunity, and that I was accountable for what I had been taught, so I didn’t bother trying to change my fate.

When I saw the brokenness in the eyes of Jesus when He looked at me, a piercing, deep heartache like I’d never seen, I knew that I was out of chances, and that’s when I knew it was true, I had died on earth, and that I was on my way to an eternity in hell.

You’d expect Him to be frustrated, or even short with me, I know I did. Of all the people that He’s had to talk to, and tell them, “I never knew you.”, I guess I assumed it would become pretty systematic. I didn’t expect Him to have pain in His eyes over me. I could tell He wanted to reach out to me, and because He is just, and because He is so good, He had to let me go, because after all, that had been my choice, every day of my life. I choose to be apart from Him, and so He had no choice but to honor that choice in my eternity. I bound things in heaven as I did on earth. I swallowed hard, and felt my soul cringe with heartache, and accepted my fate. Tears streaming down my face, I believe that even in that moment, Jesus had compassion for me, and for you. I believe that, because I asked Him in humility, if I could write this letter before I went on to hell, and if He would provide a way to send it to people, so that they could hear my testimony, and He agreed.

I saw a glimpse of hell, when I looked down, it was as if the earth was transparent. To be honest, the earth didn’t look much different, or at least it blended in so well, that it was hard to see where one ended and the other began. All of the images I had in my head of hell were inaccurate as well, to a point. I believe God allowed me a glimpse so that I could tell you all.. Hell is simply, horribly this.. There is no God there, and there is literally nothing good, because that’s the only place God refuses to be. There is no light, no air, no peace, no comfort.. There are no words to describe it, but I urge you to look around you, and see all of the things that God has allowed you to have, and imagine for a minute every one of them was gone.. That’s just a slice of the picture of hell.

Oh, but Heaven.. I didn’t even step past the gates, but there are no words to tell you that will justify what it is to be even that close.. The colors, are unlike anything you’ve ever seen, or I had. The smell, it’s euphoric. Heaven is real, and so is hell.

Jesus is real. And if He hurt for me like that, He loved me like everyone said He did, and I blew off. The whole time, in every dark place of my life, and through every sin. Jesus loved me, and longed for me to look at Him.

I’m gonna end this now, and take my place among those who chose themselves over God. I’m thankful for the opportunity that Jesus gave me to speak to you all. He’s real. Today it could all end. You could be like me, driving in my nice car, with my new jeans and my phone, talking to my girlfriend about the sins I couldn’t wait to commit with her. You can be caught up in things of this world, thinking randomly about God, and then buying into the lies that Satan whispers as soon as you do, like, “someday”.. that’s the one he always used on me and it worked.

He must’ve known, if he could just deceive me till I was 22, it would be too late. And he did, and I let him. And then it was too late. He owns me now.. All of his hard work paid off, and all of the things that Jesus did for me were wasted, I didn’t’ deserve them. The slashes on His flesh that He took for my sins, they were for nothing, and I did that to Him.

Don’t make the mistakes I did. I’m pleading, begging, please stop living this life like it’s yours and you get to decide how long you have to waste it.. The horror, the tragedy, and the sting of regret that I felt, I’d never wish that on anyone.. Let today be the day that you become free. Let today be the day that you look at Jesus, and lay your heart and life at His feet.

Love,
Daniel

*I just felt like I was supposed to type.. this poured out of my by the Spirit, and I knew I was supposed to share it with the world. I dont have any idea who this Daniel is, I just know he was 22 when he died in a car wreck, apparently.. I'm still shaking, still wearing goosebumps, completely rocked by this..- Krissy *

Psalm 78

2010-08-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

Psalm 78:5-7
"..So the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born,and they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands."

"Seeing spiritually", or "through the eyes of Christ" is kind of one of those terms that if you don't know firsthand what that means in a tangible sense, than it just sounds like another one of those "religious words".. I understood it, but today I want to share the sight that the Holy Spirit gave me through vision.

Last night, I literally felt like my eyes were closed to anything natural, and I saw the things around me through the eyes of Jesus Christ. It is moments like this, nights like that, that compel me forward, constantly, because He becomes so real and present that something inside me transforms, and it's into something that is not reversible. (There's your answer, my beloved haters.. ) ;)

I went to see Ron Luce preach at Victory, and I've gotta back up and tell you first about the redemption that God showed me, before we even got there. My joy, and this deep, sweet affection of Jesus was wrapped around me while I got dressed, and stayed while I was headed there. Just me and Him, and I cant explain it, but I just felt His glory on me, and when I said that I was going on "a date with Jesus", I wasn't kidding.. It was something unique and purposed.. The best date I've been on for sure.. ;)

Somewhere between the car and the sanctuary of the church, there was a shift.. Crossing the street, a picture flashed in front of me, of me and my Dad.. Not my physical dad, but my Heavenly One.. Me holding His hand, and again, I had braids and bows in my hair.. He had kind of a kneeling in His walk, as He had to bend down a little to reach my hand.. It was a sweet moment for me.

In the natural, I never had dates like that and nights out with my physical father. I wasn't even thinking about that, and it's not something I've asked God to give me. He just did.. The things that the enemy stole from me as a child, He longed to give me now, despite my grown woman-ness.. (yes, thats a word.. I just made it up..) and I wasn't even asking for it. Just a simple moment, walking across the street with my Daddy, and feeling overwhelmingly loved and watched for.. outta nowhere, He covers me in "wow"..

Redemption. He gave me what Satan had stolen, and then some.

People probably thought I was up to something, because I was walking in by myself, but childlike joy was written all over me. I would've been more than satisfied if that's where He'd stopped.. That was more than enough for me..

But that's not how He usually does things, right..

During worship, I opened my eyes and something was so strangely pure about everything I saw.. I saw a girl, about my age, on the other side of the auditorium.. In the middle of this big, fancy church, surrounded by people in suits and fancy shoes, this girl was in clothes that were worn, and baggy. I'm not knocking fancy shoes or worn clothes.. God just revealed that contrast to me.. This girl was praising Him like she'd absolutely lost every bit of sanity she'd ever had.. I stood in awe of Him, and of her.. And this sweet smile wouldn't leave my face.. She was dancing, and jumping, and weeping, and laying her whole heart at that altar, and she was the only one there.. We hadn't even gotten to the "altar call" yet..

Hundreds of people were there, but to that girl, she was alone at the foot of the cross, and it was so amazing to see. I considered taking a video to demonstrate what I mean by worship.. but decided that would be creepy of me. ;) It was, however, forever etched on my heart. n
I remember thinking to myself, God.. There is a girl who has NOT forgotten, for one moment, what God has done in her life.. Thank You Jesus.. And I began praying over her..

And then the choir, made up of little kids became all I could see..

God showed me something different.. The best way I know to describe it, is that what was a collection of people, He started to separate into individuals. He zoomed in on each one of those kids.. On their faces.. On their eyes.. They were singing the words, "at the cross I bow my knee, where Your blood was shed for me, there is no greater love than this.." and my heart melted.. God whispered.. "That's how I see My children.." Considering I'd been the child He walked in with, it was pretty cool to hear Him say that. ;)

I sang the words that there is no greater love than that, and meant it with every part of who I am.

As the speaker, Ron Luce, began to talk, those same kids in the choir took their seats in the section I sat in. One kid, probably ten or eleven sat beside me, and mentioned that he wasn't texting, he was reading the Bible on his phone, as if he had to explain himself to me. :) He was a young black kid, and I say that not to emphasize his race, but to emphasize that we are all part of one family in Christ. God didn't pick me to speak into the life of just white kids, or just girls. He choose me to speak life into a generation, and to do it one by one.

As Ron Luce started talking about premarital sex, this kid, Marcus, turned to me, never having a conversation with me or even knowing my name yet, and said, "can you die from having sex?"

Maybe I should've thought, maybe I should've paused and gone over the logic and the liabilities in my answer, but the Spirit ministered through me to a child who knew exactly what sex was, but was shocked that it could cause death. Read that again... it's an absolute reflection of the ugly condition of not just my generation, but the ones walking behind us.. He did not ask me what sex was.. he was very comfortable saying the word, it didn't even seem awkward.. but he was dumbfounded by a statement Ron Luce made about the dangers and risk of losing your life that sex brings.. Our culture has been his sex education, not the church. That was such a profound painting on the wall that stands around our country, and the world we live in.. Your kids are no different, and neither are mine, unless we make them different on purpose. Lady Gaga and her demons will not raise my children. Jesus will. If we don't start now deciding who gets to influence our kids, the world is gonna decide for us.

On a sidenote.. as usual... If you're a parent I SOOOO recommend getting the video (http://wordexplosion.victory.com/) of Ron Luce's message from this night, it's imperative that we get our heads out of the sand and raise our kids by the Word, not by the world. That's a whole other blog, but it's a big deal.. I'll try to stay on the same train of thought.. and shock some people. ;)

Out of the overflow of my heart came the words to Marcus that answered his questions. Not from my mind or my past, or from something I heard on Oprah.. (bleh..) I told Marcus yes, by disease sex of any kind can kill you physically, and can destroy and kill in so many other areas as well, and that's why you have to treat sex like the precious gift that it is, and save it for the person God chooses to give you to marry. He just kind of accepted that answer, and nodded his head.

I had a Word in season.. I didn't even have to look for it. Thanks God, because we all know I would've made it a big mess on my own. :)

In the natural, I had no place having that conversation. In the natural, I should've left it for his mother or father, and minded my own business. Unfortunately for the politically correct side of the situation, I don't live in the natural. God handed me a huge responsibility, an answer to a prayer for opportunities to make a difference, and I didn't have time to be political or society minded. I was instantly Spirit minded. It was a big deal to Heaven, and a big deal to hell.

Ron Luce later asked that the parents that were there would come to where the kids were and pray over their children. Marcus kinda laughed nervously and said that his parents weren't there. Something hit my heart strong and soft at the same time. If I left it up to his parents to answer that question, there's a good chance that Marcus would be a dad before high school, or could've contracted an STD, not knowing the real dangers of premarital sex.

I'm not pretending to know the spiritual condition of his parents, but I have to believe that God knows more than I do, and that my job is to be obedient, and be a parent to the generation behind me, instantly and when He says to.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of hero, or hey, look at the good deeds I'm doing.. I say all of this humbly, and it's about to get really humble..

I'm saying there's a pretty good chance that God used me to save a life, or protect one of His children, and something awakened in me through that. I walked in with His grace, and I used it for His glory, and He taught me how. It was all Him.

I prayed with Marcus.. Parents that had come to pray over their kids prayed with Marcus as well. There was family among strangers, generations holding generations, and it was incredibly beautiful. God said, "that's the body".. He wants us to be a family, not an organization. He wants us to walk through barriers of race, and clothing labels.. He wants us to stop looking to the government or to culture to raise our kids, and start raising them through Him.

He gave me reassurance, demonstrated by that conversation with Marcus, that if a question ever arises in one of my children's mind, He will go to a lot of trouble to put someone in their environment that will speak life into them, and speak truth. He reminded me that His kids are His whole world.

A little girl, who reminded me a lot of Adrianna, sat down on the other side of me, and we talked a little bit after the service, and I got to tell her that God had shown me her while they were on stage, and that she had the heart of a worshipper, and she looked so beautiful singing praises to Him. You should've seen the glow on her face. Somewhere, I felt Fruit expand in my spirit..

There's a calling on my life, and on yours. It's not anyone else's job to raise this generation, and love them, its ours. The broken ones, the lost ones, the "damaged ones". I was pretty damaged too.. I hesitated to say this, and really don't want to, but feel like God wants me to step out of my comfort to make a point, that He didn't pick a virgin to speak to a child about purity and saving sex for marriage. He asked me to. I know that's a little awkward to say, but I'm a mommy, it's not exactly a secret.. Have a consecrated my whole self unto Jesus, and been made new and pure in Him, for a long time, yes, but my point is that I didn't have to meet a wordly looking prerequisite to speak to a child about purity. God chose me, apparently the purity I've offered Him and He's given back unto me is good enough in His eyes to have that kind of honor.. (That should answer another question for my beloved haters. You're welcome..) ;)

Marcus never asked me if I'd been married, or asked me for my sin resume.. He reached out to me, a stranger, for an answer, based solely on the fact that I was older than him.. as far as I know that's why he asked me, instead of the teenager on the other side of him.. and when I gave it to him, by speaking the truth of God's Word that flowed from my spirit, I physically saw it become a truth to him.. Spiritually I saw it plant a seed.

What an honor, and what a story of redemption and God's grace to make us new from the inside out. What an honor God has given us to lay down our lives, and pick up these little ones.. and hold them, help mold them. To pull things out of them that are rooted in evil and sin, and replace them with Truth, that they don't have to live like the rest of the world, and they don't have to live a life of bondage..

It's an honor, and an incredible responsibility..

And something broke in me, something rose up, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I can tell you that God put a crown on my head that I can't even describe the colors of yet, that's how glorious it appears.. because it's a calling to be a mother to a generation.. There is no greater honor than to be called to help raise His beloved children..

All I can say to that, from a place of humility and overwhelming grace, is Here I am, Lord. Send me..

- Krissy

"You go before me, You shield my way.
Your hand upholds me, and I know that You love me..
At the cross I bow my knee,
Where Your blood was shed for me.
There's no greater love than this...
You have overcome the grave.
Your Glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now.."

Facts. Not Fasad..

2010-07-13T03:14:00.000-05:00

Stand. For. Life.

We've got to know the facts. We've got to stand for these babies. More lives are being taken on purpose in some communities than are taken naturally or by illness. It's not "their problem.." It's ours. These are God's children first, and we've got to stop letting the media convince us that there's "situations" that make this okay, or that make it necessary to keep this available.

Know the facts. Stand with us.

Stretched.

2010-07-11T00:52:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure I intended to share this when I wrote it, it was more of a journal entry, but now that it's been a few days since one of the darkest days I've ever walked through, I wanna share it with you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010..

My prayers were so heavy, and I said the words, but my heart just refused to participate. I prayed in the Spirit, and with every breath my heart grew heavier and the weight of everything made me feel smaller and smaller.

I need Him. I need His grace.

I was either in tears or completely angry with myself for not being able to pull my heart out of this dark day and stand up and be the woman of faith and prayer I was created and called to be.

I need Him. I need His mercy.

You can't walk where I've walked, and see God's power and faithfulness and ever doubt that He's there, or that He can do the “impossible”. I know there are no limits or impossibles with God. So I'm without excuse for being so broken, and so weak, but that doesn’t make me any less broken or weak.

I need Him. I need His strength.

People have a faith problem.. they don't know they're loved, or they don't know they're loved by a God who can do anything, anywhere, and can absolutely blow their mind in the way He orchestrates the things He does in love. That, however, is not the kind of faith problem I have, not even close. I know I am loved, and I know there’s nothing my God can’t do.

My faith problem is that I’ve seen the hand of God move, in countless, phenomenal ways. I’ve felt the presence of God in me and around me so thick that it’s paralyzed me with joy. I've seen the skies literally open up, I've seen healing, I've heard His voice, I've witnessed with my own eyes and heart how powerful the Lord is, and I don't have doubts about what I mean to Him. He's done too much in me and through me to question His affection for me. I feel His grace and love on me constantly, all day, I never doubt that I am ridiculously loved, and watched over. That's my faith problem.. I know He can, and it makes waiting or standing when I'm tired of standing just irritating, because I don't understand why He's waiting. That’s what weighs me down and steals my joy.

I fought with my Father all day. He never told me to stand up. I just felt the presence of God there, and when my prayers felt like chewing glass, it made me mad. It broke my heart. If He had just given me conviction, if He'd just said "stand up" like He has before, or anything, the slightest bit of lecture, it would've worked. I argued.. I cried, He didn't speak. Awkward silence with a human is tough, try awkward silence with God.. I know He' was there, I knew He heard me, and His silence made me so mad. Then I began questioning myself, or asking what I had done wrong. I couldn’t shake it, I couldn’t step out of it, and I couldn’t breathe because it hurt my heart so bad.

I pushed every button trying to get Him to correct me. I forget I can't outsmart God. I was looking for a reaction that would motivate me to suck it up and stand up spiritually, get sick of the beating and fight back.. He didn't say a word.

I’m His daughter.. I was desperate for His wisdom, His peace, and His correction.

Eventually, Jesus handed me enough strength to say thank You.. My heart didn't want anything to do with it, but I just kept saying it, not even being specific about my gratitude at the time. That's all I could say, all I could pray, all I could do was just say thank You. I turned on Praise You In This Storm, put it on repeat, and it literally took all I had in me to let my heart soften and just say thank You towards Heaven.

God didn't do anything to hurt me, but I know sometimes He is quiet, or peels back His grace, just to remind us of who He is, to grow us, humble us, change us. Giving us something, but causing us to have to intentionally receive it.

I stayed mad at myself longer than at Him, because I know what faithful is, and I have had moments when I knew that I was walking in the exact faith and calling that He wanted me to, and the worst feeling for me is not being able to get back to that.

Today was big. He reminded me that everything I am now, everything He does through me and in me has nothing to do with me. It's all Him, and all His grace.

Today, without saying a word, God showed me that all I am is obedient, and even the grace to be obedient is His doing. It's all Jesus. Peel back that grace and power, and take away that peace and Holy Spirit, and I'm broken, dark, I’m heavy tears, and worthless. I am a mess without the glory of God on me.

I am nothing without Him. I can't even pray without Him. I hated today. I hated my life, and my heart, and I hated myself for being less than who He's allowed me to be. I hated my world, I hated my dreams. There was nothing that didn't hurt. I hated me without Him. Realistically, I wasn’t without Him, He was there, but He drew a contrast between me and me with His Spirit alive and active inside.

It doesn't seem as cruel now, and I recognize it as teaching, not torture. I haven’t had a day so difficult or miserable in a very long time. I was so burdened and desperate for my Savior to come and save me again. And I felt so shamed because He just watched me, just listened.

I don’t think I’ve realized yet the complete teaching behind today, but now that I’m on the other side of the pain, and the darkness, I am so humbled. I am reminded that I am nothing without His presence, and neither is anything else that I do, or we do as Christians. Worship, Church, reading my Bible, praying, without His presence all of it is completely empty, just an action. He’s everything. I wasn’t unaware of that before, but now it is more vivid than ever. Something grew, something became more Him and less me through this bad day, and I don’t have to understand it to be thankful and humbled by it.

Now that His peace is finally on my heart again, and now that I feel His heart next to mine, I also see that it was a contrast. Me without Him was the worst thing I’ve ever felt. Once you have the same heartbeat and the Spirit of God dwells in you, not feeling that, even for a day, was literally torture. Though He never left me, it was a heart wrenching reminder of what people live with everyday, and in that sense, it was a gift - one of motivation to share the love of Christ, and His peace, with anyone who will receive it.

Thanks Lord, for stretching me, for breaking my heart for the lost, and reminding me, humbling me before Your feet, and taking me to a deeper place with You.

I Am Responsible.

2010-06-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray, and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. - God
(2nd Chronicles 7:14)

"Humble themselves.." The truth is, we don't know humility, or what that even means. Humility means we have to get over ourselves, and most of us don't know how to do that, but don't want to either. For those who think of Jesus as a story and not a reality, I encourage you to find a way to humility, you'll meet Him face to face there.

The truth is, we want God to heal our land, intercede for our country, but ignore the directions He's given us to get it. We'd rather keep living the way we want and just wonder where He is as we look at the fallen state of our nation. The truth is, we look to those who hold a title in a government agency or stand on the corners pointing fingers, while God looks at us with saddened eyes, wondering why we overlook Him.

I am guilty of not looking up at Him. We all are.

I've heard this scripture, and somewhere in my walk with Christ it was written on my heart. During my trip to Pensacola last week, I got the honor of worshiping with my Harbor family and heard pastor Arnie McCall speak about this scripture that God had dropped on His heart in response to the issues going on the gulf.

From the oil to the homeless, we want healing in our land, but we don't want to have to humble ourselves or repent in order to get it. That night at the Pensacola House of Prayer, we took on that direction and got on our faces before the Lord, interceding for our nation. The Lord took me through an intense range of repentance and humility, and I will never be the same. I felt led to carry that message and share it, and practice that same humility and intercession on a personal basis.

I, as a believer and a follower of Christ, am responsible, for the condition of my nation. I'm responsible for the condition of the world I live in. I was born into a fallen world, where tragedies and bad things happen, but that's been an excuse that I'm no longer willing to hide behind.

The most profound part of that message was the revelation that in that scripture, God wasn't talking to the sinners... let that one sink in.. He said His people..

Repentance and humility are the most difficult for Christians. It's a word we don't like, because we somehow hold ourselves higher sometimes than the sinners and non believers.. the truth is, we're supposed to hold ourselves only to the standard of the least of these. I'll stand now, and say that I am the least of these. I am responsible, and I am so sorry, for my sins, and the sins of this nation.

I am the junkie that's putting a needle in my arm now, desperately seeking that rush that makes reality fade away, and my soul grow dim.

I am so sorry, Lord.

I am the preacher.. in my expensive tie, who just finished a sermon about Jesus, and now I'm holding a straw to my nose, inhaling cocaine.

God, help me, I am so sorry.

I am the prostitute, who gave my body away today to four different men, for $80.00.

I felt Your nudge each time Lord, and I turned from it, and I'm so sorry God. Please forgive me.

I am the 16 year old, who just walked out of the abortion clinic, so overwhelmed and terrified by the reality that I just murdered my own child.

My God, I am so sorry, and I don't deserve Your mercy, but I beg You for it.

I am the CEO who just signed the contract that will bring millions of dollars in profit to my company, even though the compromise will bring serious health risks and possible deaths to American consumers.

I am so sorry.

I am the lie.

I am the gang banger who just took someone else's life over a $5 bag of drugs.

I am so sorry, I repent Lord.

I am the rapist.

I am the killer.

I am the man who hits my child when they ask for food.

My God, please forgive me.

I am the doctor who writes checks to pay my bills, knowing that money is covered in the blood of countless innocent lives that I've taken by my surgical knife.

Dear God, please forgive me. Please give me Your mercy. I don't deserve it. Nothing I could ever do could earn it, but I'm begging Lord, please forgive me.

I am the woman who dresses up little girls as women so that I can profit from the men who will pay to rape them.

I am so sorry, Lord.

I am the husband who hides my pornography addiction from my wife.

I am the alcoholic who sits on the same barstool everyday, forsaking my family and making them wonder if I'm even still alive.

Forgive me God.

Forgive us Lord, thank You for Your mercy, thank You for sending Your Son, so that we don't have to carry these sins, because He already did. We will stand, we will take responsibility. We will get on our face, and plead on their behalf.

During prayer that night at the Harbor, I asked God to teach us as a nation to pray, pour out His Spirit on us and change hearts so that they'll begin to speak to Him, and pray to Him.. God spoke to me and said, "pray to Me? They don't even look at Me."

And we don't. If we did, we'd obey, we'd listen to His directions. Our land would be healed. Our nation would still be a Christian nation. Pastor Arnie was right on when he said America is not a Christian nation, we just pretend to be. We've got to look at Him. We've got to repent for ourselves, and as believers, we've got to repent on behalf of the lost. We've got to stand in the gap and give God back this country, and if we're not willing to do that, then we need to stop expecting Him to move or bring healing.

Love Stands Together.

2010-03-31T05:36:00.001-05:00

We’re all pretty familiar with the truth that we’re expected, as believers and the Bride of Christ, to love one another. Boy has our world completely misconstrued what that even means.. And for the most part, the world doesn’t even meet its own empty standards of “love”, much less God’s demanding ones.

If you know the difference in the idea of “love” by natural standards and what God said love is supposed to look like, (1 Corinthians 13) you know that love is not a feeling, it is a verb, that comes with very specific standards… very high standards.

Love one another, yeah we know this one.. And then Jesus drops the bomb.. “as I have loved you, so you must love each other”. He’s not saying because I loved you, you have to love each other, He’s explaining what He expects that to look like. He’s raising the bar.. He’s calling us out, and saying, “this is how you love.. Like I do..” It's a good thing He explained that, because this world's poisoned definition of love wouldn't do anyone much good, and in the same breathe, He laid it down, and now there's no excuse and we can't play dumb. :)

John 13:34 is not a reason, or a barter, it’s instruction..

He loved.. That means He was patient. He was kind. He did not envy people. He didn’t boast, or walk into places arrogantly, saying, “I’m the Son of God, wash My feet!!” People knew He was truly the Son of God by His love... and when that didn't work, the empty tomb opened some eyes and hearts...

He was not proud, when people challenged Him and tested Him, He was gentle, and humble. He wasn’t rude.. (the dog comment to that chick was close, but He knew it would redeem her, in addition to just the demon being cast out of her daughter). ;) He was never self seeking… He could’ve played the God card.. He didn’t. He just wanted to touch people’s hearts, and give them something, despite their animosity and doubt.

He wasn’t easily angered. He kept no record of wrongs.. He proved that when He prayed for the very people that were nailing Him to a cross, when He had done nothing wrong. With His last breaths as man, He asked God to forgive them.

He shared the truth with them, joyfully. He protected them.. “he who is without sin, go on and throw a rock at her”. That woman didn’t deserve for Him to stand up for her, but He did it anyway.

He always trusted, always hoped, always persevered, regardless of their merit or the conditions that He had to walk through to love them.

It’s hard to really see the incredible love He had for people, and still has for us, and not say, “right.. I can’t love like that..” But you can, and you’re expected to, if you claim to be His. I’m saying this to myself.. I want to learn to love like that.. I want to be obedient, and that means I have to love by His standard, not by my own.

What does that look like, to love “as He has loved you?”

1. He expects us to love, beyond barriers

Jesus placed His hands on the least of these.. People that the world detested, hated, and were disgusted by.. Know anyone that disgusts you? That’s the first person you’re supposed to love.

Hey, He said it, not me. And, He meant it, and we’re accountable when we say, “well, I did what You said, with these exceptions.. Because these people really just suck, and here’s why..”

Apart from Him we can do nothing, especially love like He does, which is why we have to walk in the Spirit, not in the flesh. Your wicked little heart will tell you all the reasons why you can’t love someone that way, why that person is horrible and has done all these things, and you’ll easily justify making them an exception.

They may never know the difference, but you will, and sorry dude, you’re the one that has to answer for it. Not the sucky person that you decide is the exception to what Jesus requires of us.

2. He expects us to love beyond borders, beyond race, and beyond status..

Rulers hated Jesus because He didn’t stay within their boundaries, He didn’t adhere to their society’s standards. He not only spoke to a Samaritan woman, He redeemed her. He didn’t hang out with the Pharisees and priests, He spent all of His time with the people that the world deemed as trash. They liked their organized chaos just fine, who was this guy to come in, claim to be the Messiah, and walk through the barriers they’d established? Jesus brought the rain, with no regard to their gates. Jesus expects us to do the same.

There’s a reason God created you, wove you together, and gave you a spine. He knew you’d need it.

This expectation is rough. Trust me, I know. The hardest thing about following Christ is genuinely loving like Christ, because you can’t do that without a struggle. You can’t know selfless love if it’s always easy and everything goes right.

Circumstances swallow you, heartaches come that literally debilitate you physically, and it feels like the world is so dark, and so lonely, and you’d give anything for just one minute of forgetting, of your heart not pulsing with this sadness that filled out a forwarding address to your heart and just plopped down, and never left.. I know, circumstances are big.. But they’re not an excuse or an exception to what we’re expected to love like.

In the middle of those circumstances, I look at Jesus, and His story, and I think, “really, Krissy? You’ve got it that rough? This is that demanding and impossible?” Because I might have afflictions, and I might be walking through some really hard things, but there are no nails being driven into my hands at the moment.. I am not drenched in blood or drowning in pain.. There’s no crown of thorns on my head, digging into my flesh.. I am not being beaten and tortured for doing no wrong, and only for coming to bring healing and restoration to people.

I have a home, and I’m never hungry. I have a closet full of clothes, and nice things, and though I’d give any single thing I have to anyone, at anytime, I still have to consider that. The people I love, both near and far, are healthy and blessed.. I haven’t had to watch someone I love be buried today. I haven’t had anything stolen from me. I am not holding a screaming baby that has colic.

I have both of my arms and legs, and that poor little boy from Oolagah doesn’t have either, and all he did was go to school. I'm not one of those parents who had a normal life one day, and the next they're child was dying from Meningitis, randomly.. That little boy hasn’t been guilty of half of the sins I have, and yet, I’m not fighting for my life, and I can walk, and pick up my nieces, and I can work, and most of the time I forget to even consider how much of a blessing that is.

I’ve never had to see my child starve. I’ve never had to know what it’s like to have a child die. I’ve never slept on the street. I’ve never been told I have cancer, or laid in the stench of death in Africa, while I’ve watched my babies die a slow, agonizing death from AIDS..

I’ve never had to have a gun in my face, because there’s an American flag on my shoulder. I’ve never had to call home and hear the voices of my babies who are growing up without me, because I’m half a planet away, protecting them and their freedom. I’ve never been shot at for my beliefs. I’ve never had to sell my body, or been kidnapped and had it sold against my will. I’ve never been hated for the color of my skin. I’ve never been required to cover myself completely in clothing, just because I’m a woman.

I have had heartaches of epic proportions, and I have suffered some horrible things, but man, He has a way of breaking my heart for everyone else in the world, and it’s so heavy that I become oblivious to my own heartaches. And in those moments of agony over strangers, man, does perspective come, and suddenly, loving people that I thought for a moment seemed impossible to love, just doesn’t seem all that difficult anymore. The weight just doesn’t seem as heavy, and I can’t even feel whatever it is I was feeling when that moment started..

Amazing how that works.. Unfathomable to me how not only did Jesus die for me, He stands next to me and teaches me how to obey His word.. What kind of Savior loves that much?! What kind of God pays that much attention, and cares? He could just say, “do this or burn in hell”, which is what people preach constantly to people and is so far separated from the love of Jesus it makes me ill, (but that’s a whole other blog) but He doesn’t.. He says, “I chose you.. I’ve created you, planned for you, loved you, will always love you, and here’s what I need you to do, and I’ll wait right here while you learn, I’m with ya every step of the way.. Oh, and here’s the grace to do this, because you can’t on your own”..

Love one another.. Correctly. Beyond circumstance, relentlessly, completely, genuinely, faithfully, self….lesss….ly… and that requires UNITY.. Selfless love and unity are partners..

Anyone who has a taste of God’s heartbeat is feeling that muddy image of Christianity being shaken and broken up even as we speak. Jesus is shaping His Bride, and all those religious folks are uncomfortable with it.. (and... queue the inbox with the plethora of messages about my un Christian blog..) ;) I was always bad at sugar coating.. People that don't believe in God don't care about the revolution that's taking place.. it's the ones that do believe that are becoming the battle - because it's not what we've been taught our whole lives.. it's not shaped a certain way, or adhering to a long list of traditions.. it's not polished faces and hymnal 134.. There is a wave.. an entire generation rising up, and a father figure generation standing behind them and building them up, and people are being rocked by the love of Jesus, all over the world..

The tornadoes, fires, and earthquakes are tiny, compared to the water that Jesus is pouring out on His people.. And He’s calling us to love correctly, to bring it.. So to speak, and we are.. It’s gonna take a lot of unity though, and that word has been on my heart so relentlessly that it’s almost creepy sometimes..

I think what we’ve really got to get over in order to love like Jesus says we "must" is this theory that ideas and anointings are wrong if they’re different. That’s just my opinion, and when there’s separation, or one body of Christ criticizing another, or playing the “better than you” card, I’m not saying there’s no truth in it, but my guts just hurt.. It just doesn’t look like Jesus, even with the best of intentions.. Love is not proud, it is not boastful..

I know I’m rambling, but this is my heart.. And quite possibly Chapter Eleven at this point.. (haha)

Believers, children of the Most High God.. Seriously, if we don’t take care of each other and lift each other up, we can’t change anything. You lose accountability with people when you say one thing and allow exceptions in another, and as professed follower of Christ, so does Jesus! We have a huge responsibility when we become ambassadors to the Kingdom of God, and it means all day, everyday, we have to turn from sin, we have to walk the walk.. Not just shove the talk down other people’s throats.

God created different anointings in the same way He created different trees.. I’m not called to do some things.. Others aren’t called to do what I am, and if those others and I are sitting around criticizing each other, neither one of us are doing what we’re supposed to be doing. It always, always, unfailingly comes back to love. Compassion. Unity. If we stand together, God moves. If we are divided, we become powerless, because we’re missing the point. It’s not our right to hurt other people, by giving them this warped idea of what a Christian is, by hurting each other. I’m not talking about different denominations and religions. I’m talking about “I believe Jesus is the Son of God, and He was crucified, took on our sins, and redeemed us when He was raised to the right hand of the Father in Heaven,” followers of Jesus Christ, Believers.

“as I have loved you, so you must love each other”..

Despite our differences, our races, our pulpits, and our circumstances, we’ve got to get over that stuff and stand together. There is truth, and there is principle, and we all have to live by the Word, and pick up our own cross and follow Him. That’s what He expects.. God is pushing.. Pulling, He’s moving on hearts, and I believe wholeheartedly, that as the Body of Christ, we’re all feeling that. We’re seeing the signs, watching the miracles happen, from our daily lives, to an entire country devastated by an earthquake breaking out in revival.. God is doing huge, amazing things.. And He’s calling us to be a different generation.. "Rise up, look at Me, stop letting all these things separate you"... He is shaking things, starting fires, and it’s incredible to watch what He’s doing.. But we can’t just sit and watch.. It starts in our homes, at our jobs, in our families.. We’ve got to learn to love each other like Jesus loves… that’s when the hand of God will start opening doors, and that love will overflow into the nations..

You know what Jesus says after that?? He says, “by this all men will know you are My disciples, if you love one another”.

Meaning..

Love like I love, I already showed you. I walked it, I became man and had every circumstance and temptation, and in that I proved that you are capable of the same thing through Me. You are without excuse. So cut the crap, and love like I showed you, like I expect you to love, and when you learn to do that, real change happens.. Revival happens.. People (ALL MEN) will know you are Mine, and in turn, they will receive me too. Isn’t that what you’re all after anyway? I’m telling you how to do this. You love me, you want to serve me, and you’ve laid down your lives for Me, but in order to truly do that, you’ve got to love one another selflessly, because that’s what will get the attention of the lost. That love, that unity, that hope, that peace, that’s what will make the broken say, “Jesus is real.. I can see it in His people, and I want that.”

The world we live in desperately needs to see that hand of God, and the love of His people. We live in a hopeless, broken, fallen world, and everybody’s freakin’ out. Except those that know God is bigger than politics, bigger than tragedy, and bigger than government.

The people of Haiti watched the hand of God move, not because there was disaster, because there was unity!! I about fell over hearing someone on CNN, of all channels, that it was “the American church that was making a valuable impact” on the destruction in Haiti. United in faith, love and compassion is what moves God.

Faith of a mustard seed is powerful, but you get a whole lotta faith together, and it’s pure and united in the belief that He reigns, watch out.. Because He is always more than faithful. That’s where we need to be.. Together in this fight.. Interceding for each other’s ministries and churches, interceding for our country, and the nations. Praying for Israel. Praying over unborn babies. Praying for alcoholism, drug addictions, prostitutes and felons. Praying for peace. Praying for the hopeless and broken. If we don’t stand together, and fight for these people, they have no one. God chose us, we didn’t choose Him. We owe Him the fight, and we owe Him the fight of doing this the way He wants it done.. As a Bride, as one Body.

Jesus is comin’ back for a Bride.. Not a million pieces of a Bride. That Bride has arms, legs, hands and feet, and many other body parts, and each one needs the other to function correctly.

Again, this isn’t a reaction or directed at anyone, it’s just what God has been speaking to me about and I’d rather be wrong in saying something I feel led to by my Spirit, than wrong in not saying something He’s told me to say. The last thing I would do is write something about unity, while really criticizing someone or a certain group. That’s not my heart in this, those of you who know me closely will know that. It wasn’t written with a tone of irritation or anger, if you got that vibe, with all my heart I pray that this will be read with an understanding that it’s not animosity talking, it’s urgency. We don’t have time to waste, or sit and bash each other, or debate who's way of doing things is gonna win souls for the Kingdom.. We just have to trust that God knows what He’s doing, and He’s using us in countless ways, and our job is to reverence Him, love Him, love each other, and love people, like Jesus demonstrated and set the standard for. The rest is not our job.

My (amazing) Pastor said once “I make a horrible Jesus”.. and the truth is, that we all do. Its about time we start loving like Jesus.. I've seen more of the miraculous this past year just by selfless love in the very basic of ways than I could ever explain, in my church, in my family, and in my self. There's so much God is doing, and He needs us to stand together as His people, reach out to the lost and hurting, and be the light, be the salt by love and unity.

Change starts with love.. Not the feeling, the verb..

The Change We Really Need

2010-03-23T02:26:00.000-05:00

God wrote you a note.. gave it to my sister, and I thought I'd pass it on, for those of you who aren't on my Facebook or hers.. Or in case you are, and just want to read it again, because it's awesome.. ;)

Tonight changed my life forever and for the first time in my life I was given a word from God to give to our generation. Here is is....

This generation is about to see a shaking like never before! This generation is about to see what our God can really do if we just move our feet and let Him lead us. This country is about to see this generation move towards God and shake our government to the foundation it was created to be, a government of the people, by the people and most importantly FOR the people not for the politicians and their self serving legislation. This generation is CALLED to be the difference in a world of cookie cutter "Christians". That go to church and think that's good enough. This generation will hunger for more of God and thirst for more of His spirit to be poured out on HIS people, and they will move when God says to move. They will speak where and when God tells them to speak and have no fear. They will go in His name and heal the sick, and the lame and the deaf and they will see the light of God in the darkest places and make that light grow until overtakes the darkness around them and they will start a fire that will not be quenched. A fire that spreads over the earth and refines every person. Wait and see what this generation is capable of with God as their leader instead of government. God help those that stand in their way. This is the CHANGE this country needs and I for one will be in this generation....will you?

"To all MY sons and daughters, who are walking in the darkness, You are calling US to lead them back to you! We will see Your Spirit rising, as the lost come out of hiding! Every heart will see this HOPE WE HAVE IN YOU!"

That.. Just.. Happened..

2010-03-16T23:23:00.002-05:00

I’ve said quite often, (and many others have commented as well) that a camera following me around recording my life would be entertainment to the masses. A trip to Walgreeens tonight is a good example of why my life would be a very intriguing reality show..

I walk up to the checkout, say hello to the 17 year old behind the counter, and the crazy look he gives me makes me wonder if I had something on my face. The conversation goes something like this..

Me: "How are you?"

Cashier: "Good. What’s with the red on red?"

Me: (awkward pause).. I’m thinking he’s talking about my hair, because I have red highlights, but then realize that makes no sense because it’s not red on red, its red on blonde, brown, and like 30 shades in between.. And so I say, “huh?”

Cashier: "The red shirt and red sweats, that’s a no no."

(I look behind me, expecting a 3 year old to be there..)

Ok, can I just say that this could be a semi normal conversation with say, Alicia, or even one of my sisters, but it unexpectedly happening with a stranger, it really caught me completely off guard.. I actually looked at him for a minute wondering if he was one of my cousins and I just hadn’t recognized him.. Turns out, no, he was not one of my cousins.. Just a random stranger at Walgreens who felt compelled to call me out on my fashion faux paw.. Haha

Me: (awkward laugh) “Well.. This is my running down to Walgreens and Quiktrip outfit, I left my beauty pageant outfit at home”. I say this still smiling, trying to be friendly..

Him: “Well, your hair is all done, but the sweats don’t really add up.”

Now I’m looking around for cameras, and Ashton Kutcher…

Me: “I wouldn’t say my hair is all done, its usually like this.. But yeah, I guess... I failed the Walgreens fashion test..”

Him: “the sweats just don’t make sense”..

I realize this might read like it was about 2 minutes, and maybe it was, but it felt like thirty.. I’m slightly getting offended, and forcing myself to smile, but those of you who know me well, know how incapable my face is of hiding my true reaction..

I realize I’m wearing some of my Pink sweats (that will make sense to girls), and they’re red, but say “pink” on the back of them.. Its become quite familiar over the years to hear, “why does your shirt/pants/swimsuit, etc say pink when its not?”, and its always kind of annoying, but typical, and so I start to assume that’s what he’s talking about.. I consider explaining that Pink is a line of clothes from Victorias Secret, and he must not have a girlfriend or sisters, but choose not to. Then I find myself just exhausted by the encounter completely.

And I just shut up, because at that point, I was just over it. Ready to go.

Him: “its just the red shirt and red sweats that bothers me”.

I literally have to keep my mouth closed to keep from thanking him for his not so needed fashion advice, (more so from commenting on the fact that he was wearing a brown belt with black pants, playing fashion consultant with me over my Walgreens outfit..) I was good, I just smiled and said, “have a good night”..

Thanks Jesus, for teaching me how to shut up and walk in love..

Seriously, this is my life. My blessed, amusing, “that just happened” life. =)

Chapter 9: Purity =)

2010-03-11T02:16:00.000-06:00

Proverbs 31 is about a vision of the kind of woman we're called to be, and the kind of wife Jesus is preparing me to someday be, and it has taught me a so much about what purity really looks like.. I think I always just thought it was abstinence.. but Proverbs 31 shows us it demands so much more of us..

This might help people understand why I'm so particular about what I give my time & energy to.

"She brings him good, not harm, ALL the days of her life." - Proverbs 31:12

God does not say, she's good to him all the days of her life "after they're married", "after they meet", or "after.. anything.." He says ALL the days of her life.

I just finished Chapter Nine of the book the other night, and this chapter was about purity.. Here's part of the message..

"When my husband stands before me, and vows to love me as God requires him to love me, he will know that I waited. I kept a locked box inside my soul, and inside it were my affections, my emotions, my dreams, my sexuality, my hopes, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my heart. I guarded it, and handed the key to Jesus, so that it would be preserved just for him, as a wedding gift.

I protected it by practicing true purity, as an act of obedience, honoring my Father’s command, and honoring our marriage, long before the vows came.

He will know that I loved him on the days when it was torment to do so. He will know that he was precious to me, even during the nights that I was the most lonely, and the most confused, I still protected those things that God created in me just for him. I did so out of love for my Father, and faith in His promises in His Word.

He will know that my love, my commitment, and my passion that I offer him are not based on a deceivable heart, or wavering circumstance, but that they are absolutely, genuinely, and purely, an abundance - an overflow - of selfless love that comes not from me, but from the hand of my Father.

He will know that my love for him is not the source from which these things were created and strengthened, but were an amount of excess, that spilled over into his life from the love that I have for my Jesus, and that all of these things that will be his, were rained down from the Heavens, not built up from the earth.

"When my husband stands before me, and makes promises to God, and to our families, and to me, there will be no doubt. I will know that God was the very hand that placed my heart in His. I will know that He is God’s absolute best for me. I will know that when he makes vows in the presence of God, of commitment and agape love to me, his bride, there will be no question of whether or not he would die in order to keep them if he had to."

This has by far been the most spiritually edifying chapter of this book me & Jesus are writing. Lookin forward to sharing the message He's speaking through me to the women of my generation! :) - Kris

Stop It.

2010-03-07T01:10:00.000-06:00

“That girl is so fat..”.. “I know, right? She’d be pretty if she wasn’t fat.”

“I heard Casey was a total slut, and now she’s all into the church or whatever and she’s trying to pretend she’s not.”

“I mean, she told me not to tell anyone, but did you guys know that Jennifer’s parents are getting a divorce?”

“She’s so jealous of me.”

“Did you see her shoes? Seriously, I wouldn’t be caught dead in those. She probably bought them at WalMart, or stole them, because obviously she’s poor.”

“I think it’s so funny that LeaAnn didn’t get into the college she wanted to go to. That’s what she gets for being so stuck up”..

Stop it.

Really? We wonder why chivalry is dead - or at least seems to be?

As a gender, females are so critical of one another, so hateful. Yet we wonder why we can’t seem to find males that respect us.

We trash men because they objectify us, degrade us, and attack our self esteem. Maybe it’s time we took some responsibility for that.. We’re all accountable for every careless word we speak, and every pain we inflict on others, but God really dropped this so heavy on my heart tonight, and I’m just gonna say it. We have let the world shape us into sex objects, trash, unworthy of love and respect, and there is a very long list of the consequences that come from that.. But a lot of that picture painted of us as a gender was done by our own hands.

We taught them how to treat us, by how we treat each other.

I think I should say that this isn’t a reaction to any specific thing or person. I’m not upset or writing a “you know this is about you” blog. I found myself in the middle of something beautiful, and God placed a glimpse of a message in my heart tonight.. I know even now that it’s just a small part of something much bigger, but I couldn’t ignore the nudge in my heart to write about it.

Standing in a sea of women tonight, all laughing and praising God together was beautiful. Standing in between two of the most incredible women I know made it almost overwhelmingly joyful, and humbling. For those of you that haven’t quite caught on yet, or who are assuming the worst, or just haven’t noticed, Emily has become one of my closest friends, and most significant blessings.. I could have tried to hate her from the moment I learned about her, because she’s marrying my ex husband. I could’ve been lead by emotions and circumstance and just made an enemy out of her for no reason. She could’ve done the same with me, because I’m her fiance’s ex wife. But instead, we let Jesus lead us into the most edifying, Spirit built, strengthening friendship imaginable.

My point is that there is no excuse for tearing each other apart.

This blog isn’t about me and Emily, the incredible friendship we share is just the example to my point that there is no circumstance or excuse that makes it reasonable or acceptable.

Nothing is harmless.

Whether she hears you or not, you have no idea of the amount of damage you can do to someone with your words, until you’re the victim of someone else’s words.

Words can wound, or they can build up. If you can’t keep from wounding, then shut up. It’s not hard. Just close your mouth. Open it again when you can say something that doesn’t hurt someone else.

Do you know what it’s like to be called fat? Whether you are or not? Do you know how deep that hurts? I do. You probably do too. My little girl is eight years old.. Eight! And you don’t know how many times I’ve held her while she sobbed, with a heartache from somewhere so deep, because a kid at school, or even a family member, had called her fat. If you have a child who has ever been deeply wounded by words, you know what that feels like. By the grace of Jesus, and the power of prayer, it’s been a long time since that’s happened, but there are no words for what it feels like to hear your little girl cry like that.

Your children will learn it from you. It happens on the playground, in our homes, at school, at church, and nobody is exempt from being damaged or capable of damaging others.

I have wounded many, many people with my words. I am no better. I am convicted of that, but here and now, as both the victim and the guilty party, I’m telling you, enough is enough.

Don’t act shocked when some guy calls you a name, when five minutes earlier he heard you say the same thing about someone else. We teach them that.

The power of two women with the same goal, or a bond, or even a shared dream, is so powerful. There are women in your life who you love, who you respect, who you’d never say a mean word about or to. But imagine if one of those women, one of your friends or sisters took the place of the girl you said mean things about today.

When we treat each other with respect, when we edify and we build each other up, we are so unfathomably powerful. We are sisters. We are mothers. Stop destroying each other.

You know, one word, “fat”, “Stupid”, “ugly”.. one word can wound so deep that it kills someone. We’re so careless with our words, so hateful and don’t even realize the power it holds. The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue.. Your words, good or bad, have power.

Imagine next time you want to seem important by tearing someone else down, that the “harmless” word you spoke, “just kidding” or not, imagine how you’d feel if you found out the next day it was the reason that person went home and took their own life.

That happens everyday. Columbine.. Those kids were picked on, teased, destroyed from the inside out, and people paid, lives were lost. Little girls never came home from school. Parents had to bury their children.

Stop tearing each other apart with words. No matter what you think you have the “right” to say about someone, you don’t. Control your mouth, you’ll change your whole life, and probably many others around you.

Trust Is A Horse, Of Course (Nov 4, 2009)

2010-01-26T17:29:00.000-06:00

When there is 1200 pounds of solid muscle, incredible strength and speed underneath you, you have to trust.

Trust God to protect you. Trust your horse to follow your commands and accept your thanks. Trust yourself to use what you know.

The second you forget to trust, the unravel begins. Suddenly aware of the size and strength of those 1200 pounds, fear sets in, horse feels it and reacts. Things begin to crash.

Youve gotta trust that the time you've spent has created a bond, an understanding, that the two of you are in this together. If there's no trust, getting broken is a guarantee. You are the lead, the horse was created to follow, but given the free will not to, and most have a spirit of rebellion, a need to run free. The only thing that molds that into obedience is trust between horse and rider.

I saw today the parallel of the relationship between a horse and it's rider and God and His children, Jesus and His followers..

I've always been drawn to the difficult. In lots of ways. Basic school subjects always bored me, but I couldn't wait to get to Psychology.

In softball, I always liked the high ones.. My old coach probably still has gray hairs that I gave him. Kaedi & I have a running Leaugue of Their Own joke about it. (that movie was so written about me & Kaedi).. I'd laugh at a perfect fastball and swing at a high one, and it worked for me.

Same with horses.. in an arena full of them, I'll somehow manage to get captivated by the one that's making people nervous. Never fails.

It's that way with Khemo.. He's the biggest, most "opinionated", stubborn horse at the ranch. But it was love at first sight. When he snubbed me I knew there was gonna be something great between us. And there is. I see past his strong presence and we have this incredible trust, and I think he's the horse version of me.. He's bold and smart, but doesn't always use those in good ways.. He's stubborn but behind that he's the most gentle, funny horse a girl could ask for.. He protects me, I stand there and hes content just being there beside me.. He's a "gentle strength", which is something Jesus used to describe to me about who I'm supposed to be, when I was struggling to be stronger than Im supposed to be. The connection and resemblance in our personalities is amazing..

If ur a horse person, you'll get all that. If ur a dog person or cat (bleh!) jk.. Than I sound like a hippy, and that's cool too..

Eventually my random thoughts will form a semi understandable point.. ;) maybe..

In the saddle, it's easy to trust when it's a gentle walk, or when there's a lead rope. But eventually you wanna break free from the fences and ride.. You gotta trust without hesitation, without fear. If you fear, you aren't really trusting. You can stay behind the gate, with a lead rope and never know what it's like to really ride, or you can quit counting the costs and trust. You can ride. You can put in the time to know your horse, build a trust, or you can follow someone else's trail on someone else's horse and stay where it's "safe"..

I'm probably doing a pretty crappy job of explaining the illustration that God showed me, but my point is that Ive reached a new level of fearlessness.

I've spent time on who Jesus is, instead of who I am, and knowing Him this way, I learned to really trust him.

Just like with Khemo.. I can ride now, without fear or being aware of how big and powerful he is..because I just trust him and he trusts me.. Because of the time i spent with him.. In the same way, I can walk through rough times without seeing them as rough bc I trust that God's word is truth, and I trust only in that truth. People don't understand why Khemo runs straight to me, or why he treats me differently, or why we favor eachother.. Like people don't get my unyielding devotion to Jesus, or the peace I carry around beyond circumstance.

Trust is a beautiful thing.. Moral of the story is that half trusting can break you, ruin you, injure you. You gotta give it all, or you're giving none of it, nothing that matters.

I've got horses to feed, and a gorgeous, stubborn stallion to go feed apples to, so if that made sense, awesome. If it didn't, well, sorry. You can't get ur time back, no refunds. ;)

=)

Time To Ride

2010-01-17T02:04:00.000-06:00

It's finally time.

My whole adult life, I've had the nagging sense down in my spirit somewhere, that there was somewhere else that was part of my biggest dreams, I just didn't know exactly where. Finding blissful little moments in getting lost in other places didn't help. Neither did that peace that always falls over me, when I'm on the road, alone with mile markers and music. I've fallen in love with places, but never was that nagging feeling more present than this past year. I started listening, started praying about it, started talking about it. Kept waiting for God to guide me, direct me.

There are five million reasons why it's impossible. And four million reasons why it's crazy. But there's one reason, that it's time, and it's about to become very much my reality. That reason is that I'm being called to a place, by the Father, the Author of my story.

Chapter..3.. This is the good part. I can feel it, we've all been feeling it. The tremble, the anticipation, the fear, the excitement.. This is going to be the best year of my life, at least until the next one. I stopped trying to argue with God, I stopped trying to "figure out" His plan, and remembered that sense of adventure I used to have, before life and trials scared it outta me. It's back, and I'm ready to stand, ready to get up and go.

I love my life here, and it's gonna be a constant balancing act, an exhausting one, but I'm out of fear. He's called me there, He doesn't forget any details, or drop the ball on anything, that it takes to work that out. Right now, my spirit is alive and on fire with that feeling..

It's like a bigger version of the feeling of tackin' up a horse for a ride. I'm slowly going over the details, running my hand down his smooth side, feeling his heartbeat in my own veins.. the swish of his tail, the sound of his husky snort, sayin, "ok, let's go play".. Blanket.. Saddle.. breathe.. Bit... and reins.. Now it's time to ride.. I realize that's a little dramatic for an analogy, but when you love those animals, and see Jesus in their spirit like I've been shaped to do, every moment is so magnified, so slow motion, so fluid. So powerful, and beautiful. There is nothing like that rush.. though seeing your past get smaller and smaller in the rear view is fairly close.. ;)

I know the details will unfold daily, and obedience from moment to moment, will open the revelations from my Father in the next moment. I'm chosen. There is no greater feeling. He trusts me enough by my love for Him, that He's called me to move to the next step. I know now, it took a lot of painful, awful trials to get my to a place where I trust Him enough to listen and be fearless. But I made it there, and He wasted no time.

I look at it from a natural perspective, and think, dude.. I'm outta my mind.. And then I feel Him touch my face, and say, "nope! I'm in you, I'm in your heart, and you're hearing My voice. Pick up your cross.. and dirty boots, and let's go." Okay, Jesus.. "and you don't need to bring 800 bags".. haha..

He's already prepared the days, the places, the hearts, the faces, the moments. He's already given me the wisdom through His Spirit. He's already been where we're going, and made sure it was ready.. (Ephesians 2:10) I became ready when I realized I am unstoppable if I'm being led by His Spirit and His voice. It's time to ride. I can't see the trail even 6 feet in front of me.. But I can see the little yellow flowers, and feel the sunshine on my face.. I can smell the horses, and breathe. Just thinking about it, just dreaming about it, I can finally breathe. I love my life, I'm so blessed, and I think that need for me to get far away was always hard to understand for some people.. (I've got ramblin' fever in my blood.. ha) It was hard for me to understand, but it makes sense now, looking back. He was preparing me for this day. Ha.. I love that about Him. But I've always felt suffocated, bored, by the walls of this place. Wide open spaces were always my playground.. God has always spoken to me through nature.. Stars, sunsets, clouds, grass, big blue skies (haha).. that's where He tugs at my heart.. Little pieces of who I am, are finally starting to make sense.

I tried to become someone else, fit into the box, the plastic mold that people wanted me to be, almost my whole life. For acceptance, for validation, I let them break my heart, make my dreams seem trivial and childish. It took a lot of breaking, but I eventually started listening. And through that, Jesus has shaped me, taught me, loved me, led me.. and now I know who I am, at least as much as I'm supposed to today.. and I know where I'm going.. And more importantly, I know I'm only capable of it by His breath, by His will and grace.

Time to ride...

"Ok boys! Ok boys!" - Lane Frost

All I can see is the back of a horse's mane, and my Jesus walking in front of us.. it's incredible.

Dear Summer

2010-01-16T16:07:00.003-06:00

Dear Summer,

I've always loved you, but here in the depths of winter, my longing for you has become an ache. It's true that you really don't know what you've got till it's gone, or in this case, until it's cold and covered in ice and snow.

You'll be back around, but I just wanted you to know that you're on my heart today. And when I see you, I'll run to you, and possibly may never let you go. I will spend every day in your sunshine, riding horses, smelling flowers, breathing you in. I will spend every night under your stars, laughing, talking by your campfires, smiling at the sight of your lightning bugs. I will spend days just listening to the sound of the ocean, with my bright pink toenails covered in warm sand. I will love you correctly, this time around. I will celebrate you with flip flops, white shell necklaces, tanlines, and the smell of coconut. I'll spend days on the boat with you. I'll never take you for granted again.

=) - your forever friend,

Krissy

Invest! See Ya Soon. - Love, Jesus

2010-01-15T19:58:00.000-06:00

What are you investing?

Time? Who has time, most of us have 72 hours crammed into each of our 24 hour days. The ways we justify the time that we're not investing are endless. God loves when we invest the time we "find" into the lives of others. But what moves Him, what makes Him melt, is when we give the time we don't have.

He put this on my heart to share, and that last sentence really demonstrated His giving character, bc the reality of it is, none of "our" time is something we own, so really, every moment is time we don't have. But in His words about it, He didn't emphasize that, He demonstrated His giving, sharing nature..

Consider what you're investing, what you're withholding, who you're investing it in, and who you're withholding it from.

Planning for the future is not wrong, it's smart, but if 401k's and stocks are ur only investment in the future, God wants you to look at the future on a less superficial level. Storing up all treasures for yourself in earthly ways, and failing to look at the future through Kingdom eyes is going to bring deep, deep disappointment.

Plant a seed, and don't focus on what you'll recieve fm it, look for the joy in just planting the seed, knowing you're a light in a dark place.

Sometimes we're like little kids in a room full of toys, books, movies, saying, "I don't have anything to do". Or in a more familiar example, one of us women, who stand in a closet overfilling w clothes and shoes, irritated bc we have "nothing to wear".

The one thing nobody can ever argue, is "but God, I wanted to invest something but I just couldn't find anyone to help or invest in".. You'd totally get the look He gives me occassionally, the "really.. Wanna rethink that one.. Then try that again?" look.. =)

We have no excuse for investing more time, love, or resources in ourselves than we do others.

Invest the time you don't have in someone else. A phone call, a letter, a lunch, a prayer, feed someone, love someone, add something to someone else's life. Invest the resources you don't seem to have in someone else,with joy and in partnership with faith. Invest love. I believe lives have been literally saved by one random text or call saying, love ya, just wanted u to know.. It doesn't take much, but we should be willing and aching to give even more, all the time..

Today, invest SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE, in SOMEONE.. Ps.. That someone is not you.. Don't look for the reward or expect a kickback. ;)

Pss.. He said it to me first, before He told me to pass it on to you. ;) so this isn't a "come to Jesus" speech.. Well, actually yeah it is.. Ha ha

I mean, it's not directed at anyone or intended as a finger pointed.. Just a sticky note from Jesus on the fridge. :)

Matthew 5:44

2010-01-15T19:57:00.002-06:00

"But I tell you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" - Matthew 5:44

Years ago, I learned the freeing power in praying for those that have hurt me. At first, it was like swallowing chalk. It was nauseating, and it was half hearted. But as I learned to practice it more, it became sincere, and I learned the freedom through Christ that came from it. I had the praying for them part figured out, but skipped over that whole loving them part of the scripture.

Jesus took it up a notch, and showed me something I wasn't really grasping. To pray for my enemies is hard enough, but to believe in those prayers was even harder. But God showed me that if I'm gonna believe in prayers over my life and the lives of the many people I love, I've gotta believe for the prayers of the ones that I don't care too much for. That's tough. But it was a good reminder that as much as God loves me, He loves them too.

Nothing is more infuriating than religious people to me, that live for themselves but slap a fish on their car or a cross on the wall, claim to be Christian, but live selfishly and unbiblically. It's a battle to not go off, and tell them, "your pictures of you getting drunk and living in sin are great, that's cute, but please take the cross off the wall behind you", really. If you're gonna represent Christ, be Christlike. Not just when it's convenient for you. It becomes personal to me, because that's my Savior you're representing to the world, and you're effecting people's eternities when you practice the Jesus convenience. That is the reason so many people don't trust the church. I know, I used to be that way. You can live for yourself, or you can live for God. There is no gray area, no middle ground. You don't get to pick and choose which commandments and scriptures you want to apply to your life. But that's between you and God, just spare me the condescending use of God's Word.

I was so angry when I had to deal with that lately. God said to pray for them. Uggh... I did that. God said do it again. Dang it, God..

Granted, they don't deserve it. Neither do I. None of us do. Satan is quick to remind me of all the lies, deception, betrayals, and reasons they don't deserve it. But I wasn't any better at representing Christ when I let the bitterness take over and cause a storm in me. I was ill with anger, because I let it get to me, just like they wanted. Not in jealousy, nothing in me wants anything they have, it's sickening to me how people paint a picture, draw a lie, and others buy into it, celebrate it, jump on the wagon. But I remembered, I bought the same lie. I was in the same place not that long ago, and I'm free from it now. Thank God. But when I was done fighting with evil, I let God take it and use it for refreshment of my spirit. Let Him draw me closer into His heart, and for the first time, I thanked Him for blessing my enemies. Their worthiness for it was irrelevant. I felt Jesus smile when I got to that place. Then I found myself thanking God for their joy, and found myself in awe, once again, of how much more capable God is of handling things than I am. :)

Obedience and correction are rarely fun, but as always, He used it to bless me, teach me. And showed me that just praying for those people isn't where it ends. I have faith beyond explanation for my own prayers, for prayers for the lost, prayers for the amazing people in my life. I know where I stand with God, and believe wholeheartedly in all of His promises to me, against all circumstance. But I battle evil when it comes to believing in the prayers for my enemies. It's so hard to see someone else get what you prayed over for them, before the prayers for yourself have been answered. But God commands us to not covet. He spoke to me about it, and even when it's in correction, it's always amazing to hear His voice.

I got to a better place, when He showed me that my prayers are always answered, maybe not in the order that I prayed them, or in the ways I think they should be, but it was reassurance to me that He's listening. God does things His way, and I'm learning.. Always learning. Don't always appreciate it immediately, but always learning. :) Always blessed. Always covered in His grace, and always ridiculously loved. I've learned to love waiting for Him to move in my life. I've learned to be content, live moment to moment, joy to joy. I know what He's got for me is better than anything I've ever known and more beautiful than my heart can hope for. When you're in love with Jesus, and constantly moving towards Him, the best is always yet to come.

Taste The Rainbow (January 1, 2010)

2010-01-15T19:56:00.002-06:00

Im starting this new season underneath a rainbow.. I look up, and the vivid colors camoflauge the cloud that stands behind it. The rainbow is the promise, it's beginning stretches so far behind me I can't see the ground where it begins. The parts I can see with my own eyes, that's how I know there is, in fact, a beginning. In the same way, I can look the other direction and know there is a completion on the other side, though I can't see where it's feet lay. But when I look up, It takes all of me just to breathe, bc I'm in awe of it's beauty, it's glory. I just stand here, being blessed to be here, where I'm supposed to be, and thank God for the rainbow. I can imagine what lies ahead, but the only things I know for sure are in the details of the rainbow itself. I can look back, but only to see how great the distance is between where I stand now and where the light begins to outshine the ground. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Here, I will keep looking up, so I can keep moving forward. I lift up all that I love and value, and the promise bends down to lift it from my hands. I know it's safe there. Each step forward is taken in prayer and obedience. Thank You, God, for the rainbow.

I will look up.

I will continue to walk, devoted, and taking what I've learned further, letting You mold me, and guide my steps. In this new season, I will take people at face value, allowing discernment between their actions and empty words. I will be the daughter of the King; strong in love and servanthood. I will not settle for less than Your best for me. More importantly, I won't settle for less than my best for You. Thank You, Father, for the promise, in all it's clouds, in all it's glories.

The best days are yet to come.

Flowers Bloom Inside Hurricanes

2010-01-15T19:55:00.000-06:00

(Don't count my title against me, by the time I finished this, its almost 4am, I don't have to be clever at 4am) :)

I get that some people think I put too much of my heart out there, but the good side of that is that reading stuff I write is optional. ;) And the way I see it, that may be true, but if I can't share my heart, my God, my walk, with the people in my life, than I lose the whole point of having a life in the first place.

Ah.. heartache.. for every moment you spend falling in love, you get to spend a hundred moments dragging yourself out of it, literally, when it doesn't turn out how you wanted.

I'm not good at the victim role. I've been through some really tough things, I've put people through some really tough things. I've had my heartbroken, I've suffered loss, I've grieved, and I've looked straight in the face of people and shattered their hearts without a tear. That is not a word trophy, that's just the truth. But rarely do you hear me reliving every heartache, or feeling sorry for myself about it.. I'm just not made that way. Not to mention I don't really like digging that deep bc it's painful.

"The urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get. The things I've done for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied.. the face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see.. Guess that's just the cowgirl in me.." (- Tim McGraw, obviously edited a little bc I'm obviously not a dude)..

But that's true about me, that's what I'm capable of. I'd like to say was, but I still am. God gives us the freedom to choose, and to deny that the heartless, human side of me is still there, would be tragically bold. I know better, and I know that the only reason I'm not acting through that, is because I pray that I won't. And bit by bit (haha.. that makes me laugh.. because I'm a horse person).. God is breaking that girl off of me. But it's.. bit by bit.. haha..

I have always been strong. I mean "strong". I have always had this incredible ability to numb myself, turn the lights off in my heart, and dictate to myself how I feel, what I think, and what's important. People have admired that in me.. which now I see was not a good thing. I got really good at it. I've had lots of practice, both at my own hand, and at the hand of others. Even when it was at the hand of others, it was still my own, because I chose to leave God out of the decisions, and then chose to leave him out of the heartaches that followed, and be "strong".

So knowing that, here I am, smackdab (what a fun word, right).. in the middle, or really just the beginning, of the mother of all heartaches I've ever gone through, and I'm just not numb. Believe me, that "strength" I had before, came with a price. Usually I didn't have to pay it, but on the rare occasion that I wanted to go back to a feeling, it was numb too. You don't get to pick and choose that stuff, the good goes numb when the bad does. Because I know that part of myself so well, I've prayed for protection from that, and the fact that there's no trace of that heartless, "over it" side of me, is the ultimate testimony to me that prayer is powerful. Because that side of me was so powerful, that it defined me. It wasn't a character trait, it was who I was. Because of prayer, it has no power, and only because of prayer.

Here's the real kicker.. worst heartache ever, hardest, most brutal beating I've ever taken emotionally, despite reason, and there's no place I'd rather be.

ha.. let that one sink in.. I had to.

I know. And that changes everything. I know that God loves me, deeply, relentlessly, and unfailingly. I know, that He has a plan for me, and that He wants me to have the desires of my heart. I know that, because I study the Word. I know, that the very source of the worst heartache ever, was a gift from God. That's the part that stings the most when it first falls.. Then you get over being mad at God, and get over yourself, and He starts talking. Thank God for patience. If I have done anything in my life, I have proved that God is a patient Father.

Ok, so I'll admit, cowgirls do cry. And they cry with the same passion that they do everything else with - with every last ounce of strength.. And in one of those moments, I understood agony. Agony that started with my pain, and then just got deeper and deeper, because it started to be pain over people I don't even know, people in other countries, people down the street, lost, broken, hurting people, and only then, did I understand what "agony" really was. Then I understood that God was breaking me apart for His purpose, and I only knew that because the pain shifted off of me, where it began, and God showed me His heart, His brokenness, for things that have nothing to do with me, from a normal standpoint. That was not awesome, but it was a blessing. And when it came back to my own heartache, before it really sunk in what had happened, I cried to Him, that "this is the worst, how could this be the worst heartache I've ever felt, with all the things I've been through".. and in that gentle, firm voice, my Father spoke.. "because it's the last".

Ok, warning.. if you have prayed for, or even sang the words to the song and meant it, for God to break your heart for what breaks His, brace yourself.

His agony is unlike anything I could ever explain. Through His Spirit, He gave me a taste of it, and man, was it humbling.. And (beginning sentences with prepositions is horrible grammar, but I like it, so I do..)
In that moment, I felt Him, and I also felt His love. This is hard to explain, so just bear with me. You'd think that feeling His agony, over the world, and all the evil, hatred, awful, lost, exiled, dying children He has, that my heartache would be of little concern to Him. He's got bigger fish to fry, so to speak. (I'm such a redneck).. but His love as a Father was never more present. He picked me up, He spoke hope, that this was my worst heartache, because it was my last.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I've learned that everything has to be surrendered to God, and it's a constant work in me. I have literally told Him, God, I need You to breathe for me. Because I can't. I need You to drag me out of bed, I need You to make me eat. I need You to fill me with joy, because I can't take another sad day. I've come to depend on Him, which means I've reached a new level of trust in Him. Which makes it a lot easier to believe that this is, in fact, the last heartache I'll ever go through. In this sense. Even knowing what that answered prayer looks like, I'll continue to ask Him to break my heart for what breaks His, because there's no better motivation to do something, to surrender even more, so He can use me to ease that pain, even in the smallest way.

I don't know His plans. I could go through this and 30 years from now, not have the desires of my heart, because His plan might not include that for 30 years, but what I do know, now, and only because I came to that place of surrender and prayer, and even praise (though it took all of me), is that I will never feel that feeling again, of watching my dreams fall down, peice by piece. I think we've probably all been through that, when this beautiful thing that we hold falls, in what feels like slow motion, and crumbles, into dust, and over and over and over, it always feels like the very first piece. This is the last. Whatever that means, I'm okay with it. I'm content with it. Because I trust Him and I understand His heart for me now, and I'm His daughter. Do we look at our kids and say, I love you, but I'm gonna raise you so your life will suck and you'll hate it? Probably not.. Neither does He. And He probably doesn't use the phrase "your life will suck" , so I probably shouldn't either..

Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you.. funny how scriptures you've known all your life make sense when you actually discipline yourself to read your Bible, and hold His word in your heart.. Crazy how that works.. Even more crazy, is that after feeling the taste of His agony and heartbreak, all those things seem to be less of a priority. Maybe that's because I'm no longer holding them, so I don't have to figure out what to do with them, but maybe it's because I love my Father, and I love the people He hurts for. So I'm gonna go do something about it. If you think you can't change the world, you're right - but God can, and He can do it through you.

This season, the excitement that's been building, that insane common instinct that something's about to change drastically, that's not coincidence. That agony, and this heartache, and the things that leave no room for doubt, they're going with me, and I'm going. I'll stand up for Him, like He's stood up for me, whatever the cost, wherever it takes me, and whatever He takes me through..

This is only gonna get tougher. But this is what I meant by there's no place I'd rather be than right in the middle, beginning, whatever.. of this heartache. Heartaches have been a big part of me, my past, my character, my life, and though they don't define me or my strength anymore, I'm gonna take my time, spend time in this one, and that just sounds ridiculous to me when I type it. It's difficult to explain, but this is my last heartache. This is the last opportunity, the last time I'm ever gonna feel the feelings that I do now, in this aspect. I'm gonna get all I can out of it.

What I'm called to do is gonna take a lot of sympathy, if you understand my dreams and the visions God has given me, that'll make sense. That sympathy has to be genuine, it's gonna have to be from experience of heartache, experiencing strength - the real kind, not the game face kind - and if I miss out on one second of this heartache, it might mean I fail at impacting someone the way I'm called to impact them.

One of my very best friends, Vanessa, told me something once, that was so profound to me, that it softened me, and I'm not easily softened.. I keep remembering that moment.. I had a theory, an unfailing cure for heartache, and it was mostly in fun, but it included the "4 day rule".. you cry for 4 days, you have complete freedom to look horrible, act horrible, feel horrible. But day 5, you get up, shower (preferably), dress cute, look good, and get out and do something that involves laughing, and you go on..

It made sense at the time.. haha.. and for me, it worked. Unfailingly.

But there was a moment, when me and my girls were gathered together (emergency, commonly called "mayday" in our crew, usually involving a guy, and with the 7 of us, there were quite a few maydays)..
when I was in protector mode, and told my friend she had 4 days.. kinda laughed, and then Nessa said to me later, that not everyone heals like I do, and some people actually hurt. Nessa, is the sweetest, most loving person on the planet.. she meant it well, but it cut me really deep. In a good way. It made me a little more sensitive, sympathetic, and slow to be the "lets get over it and be happy" cheerleader.. (ewe.. i just lol'ed at the image of me as a cheerleader).. haha..

She called the sympathy out of me.. and I'll never know for sure, but I'm betting even back then, my Father had a hand in that.. Because what He's called me to do, that "strong" girl from back in the day isn't capable of. I can't reach people and be a source of God's love and healing for the broken, if I don't know sympathy, and have the heart for people God has.

If you've read all this, you deserve like a "top friends" spot on my facebook.. :) If you've taken all of that and a) followed it and b) connected it all together with the point I'm trying to make, then I think you're awesome, and supernaturally attentive. You deserve something chocolate.

I love Him.. I love His grace, and His gentleness, and His unfailing devotion to shaping me (sometimes beating me) into His image, so that I can do what He's called me to do.

I'll stay right here, gladly, in the middle of a hurricane, with Jesus.. Because even the happiest, sunniest day without Him talking to me is worse than death. There are flowers growing on the ground, inside this horrible storm that's raging on around us. There are rainbows inside the lightning.. It's actually kinda cool to watch..

Relentlessly (Dec 28, 2009)

2010-01-15T19:54:00.001-06:00

I've seen a misunderstanding recently I wasn't aware of before, in the perception of who God is.. Honestly, before I really chose to seek His face, somewhere in my mental picture files, the image of God, even to me, was like King Triton from the Little Mermaid.. Really.. I couldn't make that up! :) I thought of wrath & judgement.. I knew God "was love", but I mean in a "what's the first word u think of" way.. And I'm a preacher's daughter. Guess I missed the Sundays they taught on the love part, or just wasn't listening.

In some pretty deep conversations recently I've seen the gap in our perception in general, between God, the loving Father and God, the judge. He will judge, He does correct, but seeing some things lately led to questions of my own, which led to revelation.

"They don't know me. They pick and choose which of my Words "matter". They distort the rest for evil. They judge me, as if they have the right. I don't mind questions, but are they serious? That's why. If they knew me, they would know love. They'd rather decide what love is, and squeeze me into it or push me out of it. I love them, relentlessly."

(ha! God cracks me up.. Are they serious?.. ) that's another thing I think we miss out on, God has a sense of humor. He's actually hysterical sometimes.. Like at the ranch one day when I was praying about fences that needed repair, He said "I know a good Carpenter".. I rolled.. Anyway.. Back to train of thought A.. (squirrel!)

He went on to remind me that I, His precious princess, was one of "them" before I came to Him as a last resort, and found my Father in Him, and I made the choice, with His help, to let the world keep the old me and give my heart to Him.

Now me, personally, I didn't see the need for that last part (ha) but I pick & choose my battles with Him, and to that I just shut up, and agreed, thanked Him for grace and moved on, before He kept strolling down memory lane :) I am forgiven, He brought that up bc Ive been in agony over the lost and those who don't know Him, that was His gentle way of answering some of my questions.

Ps.. God is so faithful! He loves to answer details, He loves us that much!

He revealed something to me I never really saw before, through a book I'm reading called Agape Road.

Of all the things, characteristics, examples Jesus couldve been on earth, He was the walking, living, breathing definition of love. Still is.. Though I can't be absolutely certain on the breathing part... If God spent so much time designing each person alive, ever lived, ever will live, how much thought did He put into Jesus? Son of Man, Reedemer, the very reason we can even talk to God directly today w out dying?

Before I go on, God is just. He does punish, but I think.. No, now I know, that there's a mask that people have put on His face, of cruelty, wrath and anger.

Of all the things Jesus couldve been, God made Him love. Unfailing, relentless, unbridled, selfless, agape love, all the time.

Jesus didn't mess around, He was no doormat. He was funny, sometimes sarcastic, quick to correct, and He got crazy with people when needed, but never was love absent. He didn't just say "I love you" He demonstrated it. Always love for His Father above all else, but second only to that, He loved people. The losers. The worst, the best. He forgave, He healed, He taught. Even after Peter denied Him 3 times, He gave him beautiful grace bc He saw his heart and felt Peters own devastation. Truth, Jesus woulda forgiven Peter regardless.. Because He loved without limits.

That's the character of God that He chose to show the world through Jesus. If God wanted to be known as a mean, grumpy, unfair old man w a grey beard, Jesus wouldve been that.

I honestly believe people see God as the Wizard of Oz. Seriously. Mean & powerful, but if you "make a wish", He'll grant it.

No, dude.

God describes Himself, and this is where I felt led by the Spirit to write this.

Think about your About Me section.. Little space to sum up who u are. You probably tried to portray who u are in a small summary.. (unless you just lied and tried to portray someone you wanna be, which is the beauty of Internet, but that's not the point)..

God's About Me section is Exodus 34:5-8:

I'm the Lord. I'm compassionate, gracious (I give grace, which is My unmerited favor), slow to anger, abounding (great or plentiful) in love and faithfulness (firm in adherence, worthy of trust, loyal), maintaining love to thousands (to me, that meant I can multitask, I can love more than one, or a hundred at the same time, I don't love like you), forgiving wickedness (in it's purest translation, this means forgetting what God has done), forgiving rebellion and sin. Yet I don't leave the guilty unpunished..

Is that the God you know? Should we fear God, you better believe we should, and do. But if in your heart, you rearrange that to skip past the love and define Him by "Punisher", you're placing a mask over His face in your heart. That's the saddest thing ever, and I'm guilty of it too, but forgiven.

I just urge you to seek His face and let Him see yours, you can leave the masks out of it. He knows anyway ;) and still loves you.. Relentlessly.

That's Her, That's Me, That's You ( December 24th, 2009)

2010-01-15T19:53:00.000-06:00

God and this world are two different voices, and all day, everyday, in so many moments, we choose to listen to one or the other.

God speaks in scriptures, and with gentle tugs on our hearts, among the many other ways He chooses to speak. His words to us directly, and His words in scripture work will always stand together. How easy would it be to follow Christ if it was just that simple. But, among that truth there is always a lie. The enemy wastes no time relentlessly whispering us lies, reeking havoc and heartache. Because God allows Satan to exist for this time, we blame God. We've gotta learn to be accountable to which voice we choose to follow, and stop justifying our laziness.

For those that don't have continuous intimate encounters with Jesus, it sounds like religious blah blah blah.. but this is for you, and in reading this, there will be a demonstration of exactly what I'm saying. There will be an opportunity, and the enemy is gonna stand as an obstacle and tell u "this is crap". And you'll choose a voice, whether you realize it or not.

If you haven't already chosen to be defeated, good for you, that's one step toward the right voice. The one that loves you.

I'm reading Unlikely, and God put it on my heart to share part of a chapter, because I recognize that all of my life, it wasn't ignorance that kept me from laying my life down for God. I knew He was real, I believed, I prayed (when it was convenient and I wasn't busy ruining my life) I knew the gospel, and had heard the Good News all my life. I just chose the wrong voice..

"It's too late. You've already screwed up. Look at your life. If you walk into church, it'll burn to the ground, and those Christians will crucify you."

Sound familiar?

You're not that great. None of us are. You're not so important that Satan has a desire to spend time with you. But anytime God speaks to you, knocks on the door, the urgency for the enemy to get to you first prevails. And over, and over, and over, and over, we let him. Because the lie is the easy way. And think about it, if you're not that great, that the father of lies and evil and hate longs to intercede in your life, he's probably got a reason to, and it probably has everything to do with keeping you from something incredible. Look at his character, you think those lies save you from something? What did Satan ever save?

"You'll never be like them. Look at you. You're (divorced, drug addict, alcoholic, promiscuous, evil, used, defiled, dirty, unworthy, trash - pick your own adjective, he uses all of those, and worse. ) And besides, they're all a bunch of looneys talking to clouds and believing in some dude that their own bible says was already killed.. They don't have fun, they sit around and read the Bible and wear sweater vests.. (haha no offense to sweater vests).. think of all you'd have to give up. The fun, the drinking, the drugs, the excitement, the pleasure. Nothing they are could ever replace that".

I would almost bet my life that one is familiar. Except I don't gamble. ;)

On a side note - (there's always a few in my blogs) if you don't get anything out of this, and you go on living the way you are, and choosing that life, that's so your choice, and I love you anyway. I'm not anyone to judge, and I hope nobody takes anything I say that way. But this is what I was made for, to share my salvation with others, so don't feel like I'm arrogant.. I'm so not. My heart breaks for you, I pray for you, I love you. I'd give anything for you to have what I've found, and the most painful part of it is that I know you can. But.. if that's the life you choose, know that God will honor that choice, just don't talk about things out of ignorance. An example of what I mean is in the lie I used above, that we worship a dude that our own bible already says is dead.. It's your choice if you choose to ignore what somewhere you know and ache for, but don't spread that and send other people to the place where they'll weep when they, too, hear, "I never knew you".

Meanwhile, back at the ranch..

Those are lies. They're real ones, and they plague us all day.

It is not too late, and that is the truth. When the clouds roll back and you hear a really, really, loud trumpet, and see Jesus, yeah, it'll be too late. That's not something you can plan for, but you can prepare for it. What would it be like to think about that day that us "looneys" look forward to, and not feel terrified? I know, it used to terrify me. Till I really, really got close to Jesus and now I'm one of those looney believers that get excited by the thought of that day.

And that, is just the intro..haha.. At least most of us are all iced in and the roads aren't worth going, so consider this my gift to you - entertainment to prevent cabin fever, with a message inside. :)

Here's the thing. You're not your sin. If you were, you'd be dead, because all of your sin, even the ones you just committed today, and will commit tomorrow, were cleaned away before you even committed them, through real, red, warm blood that poured out of the wounds that Jesus willingly sustained for you. When I'm tempted by any kind of sin, I try to picture Jesus walking with that heavy cross, bloody and beaten, being mocked and laughed at, by the very people he was carrying it for, and I really have to ask myself if what I want is worth putting one more sin on His back to carry.

Now that you know that, or have at least read it again, know that Jesus doesn't look at you how anyone else does. There's not some secret decoder ring that believers have that reveals all your wickedness and sin as soon as you come through the church doors.

It's not us, its you. haha.. You are condemning yourself. Granted, most of us have hurts at the hands of the church in some way, so we turn from it, but that's not church. It's not a building or a group of judgmental, hateful, boring people. Are we called to rebuke, correct, yes, but by love, and love begins long before correction, at acceptance.

You are not your own worst enemy, the enemy is, but you become your second worst when you listen to his crap, and let his lies define you. When you look in the mirror and see all of your sin, even when it's just when you think about God, your wasting that day on Calvary. You're telling Jesus, yeah, I've seen the Passion of the Christ, but it wasn't me you died for, look at me, You don't love me. How could you... and for some, they just say, so what, or nothing at all.

And ps.. when you get past his lies and take a step, or even a moment to consider God in your life, the enemy will send people to condemn you.

Following Christ is not for pansies. You've gotta have a backbone, and you've gotta know. Because if you don't, you're done. You're gonna stand in line and see Jesus, and think, "crap, they were right. I shoulda read that Bible".. and then He's gonna look at you, with tears running down His face, and say, "I never knew you".

You stop BEING your past, your sin, and your failures when you stop BEING them. When you fall down before God and tell Him you're sorry, ask His forgiveness, and surrender.

You don't instantly get all the answers, and life doesn't become a peanut butter commercial. But step by step, day by day, you choose the voice that loves you, not destroys you, and you learn to not just believe, but abide in Him, and let Him abide in you. And you pick up your own cross, and you carry it and follow Him, and don't look back at the divorced, drug addicted, alcoholic, promiscuous, evil, lying, hateful shell of who you were that's laying shattered on the ground behind you.

If you're gonna choose the world, and yourself, at least know, in your heart, why you're choosing that. I've said that before, God will honor your choice to go to hell (- Joe McGee) but I think you owe it to yourself to at least know exactly what it is that's worth it.

Lately I've had to let Jesus break off parts of me that I still saw when I looked at myself. I look at Proverbs 31, and think of Renae Goolsbay or Sheree McCall, Alisha Chavez, and continue down the list of virtuous, beautiful, God fearing women I know, and silently compare myself to them. That's not exactly bad, because women like that in my life as examples is a complete blessing. But, I've had to be honest with myself lately about the comparison, and me contrasting between the Proverbs 31 woman and who I am. Even as close to Jesus as I am, I was still seeing my failures.

In seeking to be even closer to Jesus (good thing He's not claustrophobic, bc seroiusly, I can't get close enough, I'm always tryin' to get all up in His 3 ft of personal space.. I had to let Him take that off of me, and show me who He sees when He looks at me.

That, 47 mile long message, was to explain the part of the book Unlikely that I'm reading, that Jesus used to show me who He sees in me. And then back it up with the Word of God, so when I start to argue, I can't.

Somewhere, we all have our own insecurities.. I hope that these words will help clear up some of you clear up some of those like it did for me..

In Jesus, through Jesus, and with Jesus, you are..

Justified, and redeemed.. ( Romans 3:24) this means that through Him, you were rescued

Your old self, your old sin, was crucified with Him. (Romans 6:6)

You are not condemned. Read that one again. (Romans 8:1)

You are free, from the laws of sin and death. (Romans 8:2) That doesnt mean you can do whatever you want and get away with it, it means you are not bound by the laws those things lay down.

You are accepted. (Romans 15:7)

You are sanctified. ( 1 Corinthians 1:2) This means you're holy and set apart. You are called to be different.

You have wisdom, righteousness, holiness & redemption. (1 Corinthians 1:30)

You are a NEW creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

You are not a slave. You are an HEIR. ( Galatians 4:7) ps.. but that doesn't give you the right to consider yourself above others. An heir to His kingdom is not a slave, but serves humbly from love

You are blessed with every spiritual blessing. (Ephesians 1:3)

You are chosen, holy, blameless before God, through Christ (Epheisians 1:4)

You are redeemed and forgiven through Christ (Ephesians 1:7)

You are sealed with the Spirit (Ephesians 1:13)

You are alive and saved by Grace (Ephesians 2:5)
* grace is undeserved favor from God

You are created for good works (Ephesians 2:10)

You can approach God with freedom & confidence (Ephesians 3:12)
*you don't have to be a high priest in the Old Testament to talk to God. Go ahead, He's listening

You used to be darkness, now you are light. (Ephesians 5:8)
*fruit of the light is goodness, righteousness, and truth

We are a member of His body (Ephesians 5:30)

Your heart and mind are GUARDED by the peace of God. (Phillipians 4:7)
*this is that crazy part of us "looneys" that can smile through the storm, and peace comes from knowing, not necessarily feeling

Your needs are already supplied. (Phillipians 4:19)

You are complete (Colossians 2:10)

You are raised up with Christ (Colossians 3:1)

If ever a night to dust off the bible, could be Christmas. ;) I hope that helps someone define their own identity in Christ like Jesus used them to help me.

God bless you guys, and have a Merry Christmas. Take time to include Jesus.. it IS about Him, ya know. Santa gets the glory sometimes. And there's no truth in that. Let's be honest, fat guys don't fit down chimneys..

=)

Obedience Brings the Light

2010-01-15T19:51:00.002-06:00

"All God's revelations are sealed to us until they are opened to us by obedience. You will never get them open by philosophy or thinking. Immediately you obey, a flash of light comes. Let God's truth work in you by soaking in it, not by worrying into it. Obey God in the thing He is at present showing you, and instantly the next thing is opened up. We read tomes on the work of the Holy Spirit when... five minutes of drastic obedience would make things clear as a sunbeam. We say, "I suppose I shall understand these things some day." You can understand them now: it is not study that does it, but obedience. The tiniest fragment of obedience, and heaven opens up and the profoundest truths of God are yours straight away. God will never reveal more truth about Himself till you obey what you know already. Beware of being wise and prudent." - Oswald Chambers

Another one of my favorite authors, I ran across this and it touched me. Rarely do I have trouble expressing my feelings through words, but when I struggle to, sometimes someone else has already done it for me. That's beautiful, as long as we quote others that are speaking from love and not the idiot down in hell and his relentless lies.

God values obedience more than sacrifice, (Isaiah 1) and sometimes the two can get entangled. God separated them for me in my heart, because sacrifice implies slaughter, and His purpose is to not harm me, but prosper me, give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, but most of the world knows that one). :) I could already write a novel on the revelations and beautiful "God moments" obedience has brought me. Or I could write a novel on the suffering I've had to endure to get it. Maybe someday I'll do both.

It Was Gold! December 23, 2009

2010-01-15T19:50:00.002-06:00

The floods washed away home and mill.. It was all the poor man had in the world. But as he stood on the scene of his loss, after the water had subsided, he was crushed. Brokenhearted and discouraged by his loss..

Then he saw something, shining on the bank which the waters had washed bare. "it looks like gold", he said.

It was gold.

The flood which had taken him to poverty, had made him rich.

- Henry Clay Trumbull

This was part of my devotional today for Daniel, Chapter 3. Thought I'd share. :)

Dude.. I Quit - July 16, 2009

2010-01-09T17:50:00.000-06:00

My sister Kaedi said something to me after church last week that stuck with me, a sort of illustration about my life and my walk with God.. Or more accurately, my run from him and sporatic slow crawls back to Him when I've half heartedly wanted His input or help.

Its no secret, my mom is a preacher. It's not like I just didn't know any better. I was raised in church, knew God was there all my life and became emotional about it only in conflict. I was so blessed to be born to a mother who knows God, in a country where I'm free to serve and worship a God I know. Yet I took those blessings for granted, and someday I will show someone who God is, someone that didn't get the Word spoken into and over their whole life, someone who doesn't know the glory of God, and only then will I stop regretting how little that meant to me for so long.

I am the official queen of run-on sentences..

I believe with all my heart that throughout all the stupid, reckless things I've done, the only possible way I'm alive and unmamed (is that a word?) is because despite my lack of relationship with God most of my life, countless hours of prayers from my mom and my older sister kept me safe and protected.

So, back to (I really think I have A.D.D.) the illustration from my sister about my fights & struggles.. She said it's like watching a movie about me, all these years I've been fighting. Fighting loss, abandonement, abuse, my self, my friends, my fear, my future, my faith, my relationships, my family, my conscience, my heart (mostly my heart), my past. I hold no punches. People are scared of me. I say how I feel and what I think without a filter, without thought. I've always been more confrontational than compassionate. Quick to judge, slow to forgive. I've stood in one place, trying to face giants and take on every fight, always bc I was fighting to be right, to be accepted, to be kept, valued, validated, respected, loved, sometimes just for attention. Always, always for what I wanted and what I thought at the time I needed..

The whole time, God has been standing behind me, patiently... Watching me fail, watching me see success in the wrong things, watching me struggle. Watching me hurt. Occassionally doing something when my head was turned in my favor, and then back to just standing there, arms crossed.. Probably rolling His eyes, but at least shaking His head in disappointment, talking to me, even when I ignored Him..

And after about 27 & 1/2 years of that.. I turned around and faced Him, and He looked down at me and said.. "Well.. 'bout done!?"

And I was.. (beginning a sentence with a preposition is horrible grammar..)

And I started takin off, piece by piece, my armour, and dropped the pieces on the ground.. Watched them shatter.. And I gave my life to Him.. And meant it. He was between me and my fight, my battles, my hurt. Like I little girl standing behind her dad, peeking out from behind Him, I watched Him go to war for me. He stood so tall, so mighty over all those giants and mountains of fear.. I was in awe of Him. But he didn't stop there..

He spoke to me, and asked me to do the last things I expected or wanted Him to ask of me.. I cried. From my heart, not just from my eyes. Because it wasn't tangible and maybe it sounds silly, but a place in my heart cracked open that has been locked down for years.. For the first time in all these years, in one moment, I felt that Daddy thing that my own biological father stole from me, refused to give me. I met God that night, not as the judge and jury of my failures, but I met my father. I felt the things I'd resented all my life bc I didn't have. My father stood up and fought for me.. Even though I was so unworthy.. Then he gave me instruction.. With a gentle voice.. Then he put this fire inside me that I can't explain.. I had hope, courage, I had no fear, bc even though the obedience he asked was odd and crazy, I felt Him next to me..

I will never be the same.

I fight with Him like a physical father, but He wins. I stay obedient, stay faithful even when I don't want to or it's too hard, and I'm overwhelmed constantly by how He gets me through things, then shows me why I had to go through them. He took the pride, the selfish, the wicked in me, and turned it on me, but I refused to fail Him, I couldn't give up that love. And those things turned into compassion, humble, and faithful. He taught me how little I loved in the way He intended. I've always been loving and loyal, as long as it benefitted me.. I learned how to love when it hurt, when it was humiliating, when it was miserable. Every time I found a reason to stop, I saw Jesus on that cross, bloody and miserable, and all the things Ive done that put Him there, ready and willing to love me that much, though I was nowhere near worthy.. And so I kept on. And God rewarded me, every step I took in faithfulness and obedience has come with rewards that are so incredible, the pain through them looks invisible.

God is so amazing.. The creator, the judge, the beginning and the end.. But He's such an incredible father..

My life is for Him.. I don't ever want to be without my Daddy.. Now that I know what that feels like, I'm never letting go of His hand, no matter how grown up I get.. :)

I want what God planned for me before I had my first breath. I want nothing more, and
nothing less. I don't trust in people or evil that's attacking my faith and the gifts God puts in my hands.. I trust my Daddy.. My Father.. No mountain is too high.. He'll quiet the tongues of those who speak evil over me and my love, my life. There's no fight I can't win, bc I'm fighting for what He gave me, what He wants for me, and what His will is.

Oh, and ps, my church is amazing... And there's nothing so peaceful as worshipping God beside your family.. Lots of them... :)

I'm not scared anymore.. I'm not letting my "daddy issues" steal, kill, or destroy anything else in my life. I don't live by fear or my failures. How rude I've been, basing my life on my sins when he died so I didn't have to., I walk in faith, holding the hand of my Father..

God is so good to me.. Obedience brings blessings you can't even imagine..

.. Nite.